Pinnacles National Park

 After living in California for over a decade, I recently went to Pinnacles National Park for the first time. Without knowing what to expect, we set out one Saturday and drove down to the area. It was a rather longish drive but when we got there, all of a sudden we were thrust into the environment of a US National Park. It truly felt different, breathtaking and important. We had to drive into the park and find a spot to park, after which we set off on a hike through rocks and canyons and caves, to land up at a reservoir.

The caves, rock formations and scenery was truly special and unlike anything I had seen before. There were a lot of climbers also ascending the rock formations and hiking past us with all their gear. Inside the caves, we had to crouch and walk through some dark areas but we made it to the other side. It was a bit nerve racking with a rather unruly toddler in tow but we made it there and back. We had packed our lunch so we made a picnic of it. And on our way back, we stopped at a Trader Joe's to pick up some of our favorite ready to eat meals for dinner. A day well spent and quite memorable!

Playing in my head:

Leave them all behind - Ride

Wheels turning around
Into alien grounds
Pass through different times
Leave them all behind

Leave them all behind
Leave them all behind
Leave them all behind
Leave them all behind

Just to see
We've got so far to go
Until we get there
Just let it flow

Just let it flow
Just let it flow
Just let it flow
Just let it flow (Just let it flow)

Colours shining clear
Fading into night
Our grasp is broken
There's nothing we can do

I don't care about the colours
I don't care about the light
I don't care about the truth
I don't care about the truth

Busy week ahead

The pace of work is really picking up fast. My daughter is also now in school - kindergarten - in person. Whoa. It's a lot of excitement, sure. But the anxiety, oh the anxiety! We have decided to send her in person while closely monitoring the Covid-19 transmission in our area. It's been nerve racking for us parents. But at the same time, we are watching her thrive, with the learning, the playing, the social interaction and the novelty of it all. Work has gotten busy. At times, I feel empowered by the work I do. There is a lot of responsibility entrusted to me and a lot of praise and acknowledgement given. For that, I am really grateful. However, on the flip side, I am designated and treated as junior and sometimes I feel like I get a stereotypical "intern" treatment. This is not fun and is quite disheartening. I'll have to figure out how to navigate this. I've been feeling down because of the wildfire smoke in our area. On top of that, I have a runny nose and itchy eyes. I think it's because of the smoke, but with these symptoms, I am anxious. There are family health worries and sadness in the background. Trying to find joy in day to day and read this quote about Worrying not taking away the troubles of tomorrow but taking away the peace of today. Apt for me. I'm a work in progress. Aren't we all? :)

The dichotomy of being positive but remaining a realist

For many, being positive is a way of life. They try not to take failure too hard, always look ahead and are quite good in the self confidence aspect. Often it works out that such people seem to breeze through life.

For others, there is often an internal struggle. There are grey lines and ebbs and flows. There is an evolving dialogue that sometimes smiles and sometimes cries. Life is not something they breeze through, but painstakingly tackle as best as they can. 

The first camp is all about how their positivity brings them success. They talk about a few instances of adversity and how they overcame it with their attitude. 

The second camp tends to have a bigger share of adversity and also take it more seriously than the first. They have a lot of wisdom and scars from their experiences.

Now coming to myself and where I stand. From my past posts, its probably apparent that I belong to the second camp, and aspire to be in the first camp - but I'm also not entirely sure if that's what I want. I guess I want parts of it but not all.

The part that I am struggling with today is over-sensitivity. The situation where an interaction remains in my mind, I replay it and get affected by it too much. This current one stems from an issue at work. I want to let it go but it's bothering me. 

A colleague took advantage of me and instead of asking for my help, tried to pass off work to me as if it was my responsibility to begin with, which it wasn't. He got aggressive and I held firm in my boundaries. He went to the manager and I had done so as well. The manager asked him to do it but gave me "advice" to "get out of my comfort zone". I didn't like that, since he was getting a free pass and I was looking like the bad guy. He told me we both had to figure out a way to work together. I had to read between the lines and extend the olive branch to do the work after all with this colleague. He did not reciprocate and told me he's "busy until the end of the month" - too busy to accept my help which I know he is going to pass off again as my work. Anyway, my manager brought this up in my annual performance review, since of course, this had to happen the same week. I hate it. Absolutely do not like such toxic work environment and I want to shake it off. I think they are going to use it against me. I need to get out of here and why does this always happen? I am upset. It absolutely sucks. And I am not sure if I will ever get out of this career slump. There that's all said and now I will try to plan my next steps. But I wonder, if others deal with similar and just shake it off? Or are they more aggressive and they do not care about the repercussions? Mostly, I think it goes back to my leveling - since I am "junior" and a woman, people think it's a license to abuse me. I often think that I would make for a very empathetic manager, but maybe I'm too much of a realist and not enough of a "drink the koolaid" person to be made one.

The other part is my health anxiety. I am worried that every time something happens at work that is negative and I speak up or even vent, that the karma or whatever I am putting out is bad. It is an awful feeling. I feel like I should have just been a doormat and accepted the work quietly. And then feel guilty, ungrateful, and wonder if I have the right perspective.

This whole thing happened just before a vacation and I have other anxieties related to family and health and it's all just blowing out of proportion in my mind. I can't really look forward to the vacation with all of this in so much flux.

Now getting to the kids and husband. They are really the most important in all of this and they are not taking enough headspace in my happiness. Kids are absorbing every little thing around them, and I want to be that positive force around them. I am trying and I hope I can focus on them and enjoying them more.

Anyway, I am going to try my best because what else can I do. Thank you for reading.

Edit: After writing this all out and sleeping on it, I am trying to convince myself of the following:

1. With kids I am probably doing a better job than I am. I told my husband that I see myself as a ball of anxiety and stress. He says he doesn't see that. That the only thing that comes out on those aspects is an over-sensitivity at times, and that the anxiety actually helps our family because it is to the extent that we try to make healthy choices for our family. 

2. All is not lost on the work front. The review was not the formal review. If I make a good impression before that then other stuff is forgotten. Sometimes people are so busy they tend to have short term memory and my issues are not on their radar at all, definitely not to the importance that I am giving them. Also opinions about how I performed were formed already, and they are not stupid, they can judge for themselves.  I have to give them credit for that. He also told me he "has great things planned for me" and I believe him on that, so I think we all agree that I have potential. I've played this corporate speak thing for years, it's part of navigating my career, I have to dust off and keep moving. 

3. Vacation - let's focus on that, try to have a change of scene and give ourselves and kiddos and family a bit of a respite. Looking forward to that.

How to work on fitness in ten steps

This is just what I try from time to time. I hope some or all of it can work for someone else who stumbles upon this! Thanks for reading.

1. Start with a monthly plan - commit to 30 days of yoga or 30 days of walking or something similar

2. Find a way, any way to do a workout in the early morning. If the problem is kids and co-sleeping then try to have your partner cover for you for just 45 minutes (30 minutes of actual exercise, and 15 minutes of getting ready, showering after).

3. Take out a couple of unhealthy items from your diet.

4. Add an unrelated interest in that month - be it music, or reading or any other hobby.

5. Try not to snack after dinner.

6. Track water intake and make it at least 10 glasses.

7. Track steps or use some metric to keep active in the day.

8. If playing with kids, try to be on the move instead of sitting down.

9. Yoga and meditation really helps.

10. Journal and celebrate accomplishments.

How to keep going through hard times

 The title of this post sounds like I have all the answers and I'm going to provide a five point plan on how to succeed through life's challenges! Well, that's far from it. I think where my head is at is "how do people do it?" and "I hope that if I just keep going, maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel?"

The pandemic reached worrisome and anxiety-inducing levels these past months in India and for all of us sitting in the US glued to our WhatsApp messages. Our work did not miss a beat and did not fail to keep the pressure at an all time high so there was that. And we threw ourselves into the only way we know to cope which is to power through and double down on all of our efforts to keep the boat afloat. Then since we were really running out of energy, we also started back up our fitness (we never really stop but there are bouts of more and less that we go through, and this period saw the "more" happen).

Then we had another few setbacks related to family travel, and health, and work. All the big ones right? But we have to step back, keep things in perspective and keep going.

There's lots of positives and silver linings and we don't need to look very far to find them.

I'll show you how I do mine, but first I need to lay out the negatives to get it out and make space for the positives to (hopefully) occupy a more dominant space in my mind.

- Work has been extra demanding for both of us. There are others in the company with way lower pressure and high position jobs - why are we always at the "other" and more difficult side of things? Leveling is always something I have to grapple with and am deeply disappointed by. I'm not convinced if this is the right place for me or where I should go next.

- Kids. They are great and we love them. They are also so difficult. I don't have a way to get through to my son. He tests me so much, he doesn't listen to me. He pushes all the limits constantly. He loves me hard. But he pushes the limits again. Hits and kicks. Appears to be destructive, but it's really more of curiosity. He's incredibly intelligent. He's also bored - he's never been in school, never been socialized, he's never even been to a grocery store or any store for that matter. I'm sure he has no recollection of restaurants, or travel or anything else. If we took him to the city, his mind would be blown. But he's so high energy, he's always getting into stuff. Yesterday, he climbed up a stool and lunged forward to swing onto a dreamcatcher I had hanging in my closets since 2005, broke it (thankfully didn't hurt himself). I screamed at him and he cried. This was right after we discovered he'd damaged the roof of my daughter's dollhouse by fiddling with it and the wood had chipped off the side. He got a stern talking to, and I'm sure he didn't even understand why but he said he was sorry and he wouldn't do it again. I feel like such a miserable failure not to teach him right and teach him with love, to let him be who he is, and to make him happy, to build on his personality. And as for me, it's not even so much about the things he breaks, but I am so helpless that I cannot talk to him right. He also cannot stand it that I'm sad or that anyone is sad, and to get us to snap out of it, he acts out again, rinse and repeat. I know, parenting books, yeah I'm reading. He's so amazing though, and I feel incredibly small and powerless. And then he says he loves me and that I'm the best, and with those hugs and that smile - it's just to die for. 

- Other kid - oh how much I dismiss her. She's amazing, kind, super intelligent and talented. She's always nice, even if others are mean to her. She's extremely perceptive and gets right to heart of an issue. She names her feelings spot on. Even if it's unjustified, she explains things perfectly. Such as "I just got irritated when I saw her. She didn't do anything today, but she was wearing a princess dress and I got jealous. She's mean to me sometimes, but I don't want to be like that, I want to be nice. It was frustrating".  I've been dismissing her feelings a lot even when she literally spells them out for me and gives me so many heads up that she needs me. She's also the queen of meltdown central, and when that train leaves the station there's no stopping it, I end up hopping on board as well because she can get me really riled up, and then it's just drama all around. We walk away and regroup later in the day and it's all smiles and hugs. And she tells me how I'm the best mama, and that she doesn't know how she would manage if I wasn't her mama, and that I'm a champion superhero (her words, I never use that sort of language!) and she teaches me quite a bit about nature, art, science and many other things she already knows much better than me at age 5. 

- Ok so bottom line is I need to do better with my kids and hopefully, I'm not half bad because they are at least intelligent and empathetic, but the areas we need to work on are  - more social activities, rule following, them learning how to manage their feelings, us being more validating of their feelings, and learning how to de-escalate meltdowns.

- Health, family, grief, travel, extended family, family conflicts, and more. There are setbacks we have had and it's hard to move forward from them. This takes up so much headspace but I'm not comfortable sharing here.

- Our own health and well being. We never get to relax. We are always stressed. Even a trip to beach involves us being tired, stressed and drained by the time we leave our front door. So much yelling, so much nagging, so much prep, and we don't even have a baby anymore, they're 5 and almost 3.

Positives

- supportive family

- challenging work and field

- company is actually okay - there's annoyances but overall the people are down to earth and not arrogant. There's lots to learn and it's interesting.

- Work in our field is rewarding in some ways.

- Home setup - we're comfortable. Plenty of green spaces nearby, beaches and open spaces driving distance, trails and hikes to do in the neighborhood and locally, and lots of activities we can do of all kinds - right at our fingertips.

- Our county's vax status is at 80% of those above 12 yo (first dose) and 74% of 12 and over (both doses). So that's a relief and cases are okay for now, but we know that it's the calm before the storm. So we are trying to do more for the month of July since we have a small window. Hope that doesn't backfire.

- Started reading a bit and singing again.

- Started new fitness goals. Walking quite a bit more and swimming a lot which I love love love.

- Daughter's learning to swim and I couldn't be more proud.

- Son's showing interest in biking and hopefully will get a new bike for his birthday.

- We've had health issues and injuries but hoping we can get past them with home care and exercises.

- Food is yummy - our local selection is so great, husband is such a great cook and our meals are delicious plus we eat super healthy. Really glad on that front.

- The van is ready for camping! And I hope we get to do some of it soon, after we heal a bit more.

- I moved past a job loss, in a pandemic, and upgraded my career in most aspects in a single move - that's pretty badass. 

- With all the disappointment and rehashing I go through regarding my job loss (it still lingers), I have to remember the above and that I had multiple job offers to choose from afterwards. I know this means nothing by itself, but it's just a reminder to myself to keep up my self confidence and stop doubting and blaming myself. Besides, at my old job, it really was over long before it was over. I acknowledge that it was a tough time, and I don't consider it "the best thing that happened" or anything, far from it in fact. But at least I was able to place one foot in front of the next and take a step from there.

- Now everytime I try to move past the struggling phase, I have a setback, so I guess it's okay to be okay with where I am, where we are and keep doing the things and keep going. Keep learning has always been key for me, and when the learning stops the living stops, so that's going to be what I do. 

- Music. I'm kind of running on empty. Listening to the same old. Singing at times but not really feeling it. Need to find something new.

It's still Slowdive and Sleep is playing in loop as I type this:

I can see you laughing
Through dreams of perfect sleep
Sleep away from me
You know what's in my mind
When you go I'm crying
Dream dream away from me

Cheers to two years!

This blog is two years old! I'm glad to have been writing on and off all this while. It's a good way to have some chronicles of what we've been up to, even if some of them may be ramblings. It's also helped me do work and family blogs and communicate better in writing, as well as participate in online forums - all part of my self expression goals!

My second post (or first real post) was this one:

https://shoegazingdays.blogspot.com/2019/06/the-fear-of-mediocrity.html

The fear of mediocrity - it's funny how some things stay the same. I'm still observing this phenomenon and pondering about it. I'd like to think that I'm not mediocre, but who knows, maybe I am to some. The quotes from Good Omens still crack me up, and to mark the occasion of my two year blogiversary, I got myself my very own copy of the book!

My goal for the summer is just to read this one book! Oh I have plenty of other goals that are more lofty I suppose, but this one is so important to me.

Some of the others that I am doing with ease so far - swimming. Been going for almost a week. Clean eating - going strong for the past year. Dairy free - going well. Working my way forward in my career - work in progress, easier said than done (and quite demotivating at times). Trying to find joy in things - also a work in progress - but I am getting better at enjoying things in the moment and saving the worries for another time.

We're also excited today because we took the first step towards (hopefully) having many camper adventures. Oof I drove like 130 miles today on my own one way, and rode another 130 on the way up. But it was good to get out and embark on one of our crazy adventures again.

Other things I am excited about - I ordered a new pair of swimming goggles. For someone who loves swimming so much, it's surprising that this is my very first pair. My daughter's swim coach  two years back recommended to me that I swim with goggles on to protect my eyes. Last year, I borrowed my husband's old (ancient) pair and this year after going everyday for a week and swimming about 100 laps in total, I rewarded myself with a book (Good Omens), a swim shirt and a pair of goggles.

This is the one I got. So excited. https://tinyurl.com/wwubsjyt

Lots of events in the recent past - husband's birthday was quite a success (the cake I baked came out delicious and the gifts were on point), we had a great long weekend by going to the pool everyday, and kids started playing with each other (touch wood, fingers crossed). I am now fully vaccinated and starting swimming the very next day after the two weeks were up post second shot. We're also being given a choice to wfh or go in, and for now I'm hoping to stay remote. Some setbacks on the work front and childcare front but I don't want to color this post with that, I hope we can cross those bridges when we get to them. Anxiety says hello anyway.

Oh - I'm also a bit further along in my natural skin care journey. Skin care routine consists of washing with soap and water and using jojoba oil to moisturize. Hair care consists of Trader Joes Tea Tree Tingle Shampoo and As I Am Coconut Cowash. I also went zero waste on another product so that helps. Neither my hair or skin are in great shape but I don't want to keep thinking of myself as missing the boat on all these wonderful makeup and skin care routines (that I don't even know how to do), and want to be content in keeping it simple. A vaccination celebration was a trip that we made to Trader Joes. We bought all the things! And are now back to hermititude.

So cheers to two years! 

Yay hey, it's May

This is from one of my daughter's book series called "Jake and the Never Land Pirates". They go "Yo ho! Let's go", or "Yay hey, no way!" which I got reminded of when I realized that it is May and I haven't yet posted this month.

Things have been moving along here. I've finished about three months at my new job and accomplished a LOT in this time. I am pretty well known in the team already and have visibility across teams and management. This is all very good but the frustration is there. I was hired at a junior level, but the responsibilities and expectations are even higher than that of the "senior" (more like mediocre) level folks.

Oh well. I need to not take it too seriously and to give what's expected of me, and do a sincere job. My problem is I get too carried away, take things to heart and get passionate about what I am working on. This doesn't align because someone with a big fancy title walks all over it and I don't get much of a say, so I think "why bother" and take a step back. At this point, I'm consciously trying not to give my best because it's not worth it. Then I realize that if my position is not fueling my passion in the job and is in fact suppressing that passion, to the detriment of the company even, then the whole structure is messed up. And I need to start looking at my job differently and not let it define me. It's a place where I can give what is expected of me and get the skills I'd need for my next job, which *hopefully* can fuel that passion AND be rewarding.

Oh the elusive job satisfaction.

Anyway, part of my worries is how to be assertive. Every time I do it at work, something arises on the health anxiety front with myself or family and that puts me in an anxious loop. Then I think that I'll just let this one go and be "doormatish" and "non confrontational" again since my health and anxieties take the top spot. I also start rationalizing -- will speaking up even change anything or am I just wasting my energy? Maybe this is the same story at any job, and "pushing back" and being more assertive are part of this competitive industry. And on goes the negativity from my job which can be quite draining. It's hard to remain grounded in all of that.

And somewhere along the way I realize -- oh wait! What's that? Positive thoughts? We need those? Health, immune system, kids picking up on our vibes, etc. Hmm wait, so we have to force ourselves to be happy cheerful selves since there is so much doom and gloom around and we need to "think positive" to beat these tough times .....

Yes I know that there is truth to that. But first, let's acknowledge in big words - All of this sucks.

And next, on to what we can and cannot change -

Job stuff - just gain the experience, cash the check and move on. It's not worth investing time into what this might be, it isn't gonna be more than it is today. They showed me who they are, now I need to see it.

Health stuff for family - keep the positive energy and prayers up and sit tight, regular calls and follow all guidelines and hope it will be okay. Acknowledge that it is a worrisome time for all. The next few days are extremely worrisome and each day is nerve wracking.

Health stuff - keep doing what we're doing. Stay home, stay distanced, etc. We're almost all the way vaccinated (so inching along there) and kids are doing well with all their activities at home.

Family stuff - lots of negative energy, negligence, mean-spiritedness and more happening and we are in constant worry about extended family. Firstly we are praying for the health of everyone involved and that is biggest and most prominent. Secondly, I am trying to think about my beloved grandfather and what he would have wanted in this situation since he is no more, and try to do what I think would be his will.

Okay that was a whole lot of rambling but it felt good to get off my chest.

Off to be productive again. This is what I'm gonna do

- Do those mockups

- Write a paper

- Make some beautiful slides

- Record a kickass demo

Life in the past few weeks

 Work has become extremely busy. Empowering to an extent and demanding as hell.

Today I got my first jab of the microchip. I am now officially being controlled by Bill Gates...but I guess I was not supposed to say that. Oops!

So we haven't decided how life for us is going to look after being fully vaccinated. We are leaning towards still staying pretty isolated, but maybe venturing out into a store for groceries on occasion and not being too worried about some of our errands.

Other than that, we hope to continue working from home as long as they will let us. And we would like to keep our kids home too.

We've been able to do our hikes and beach trips and hope we can continue with those. I am waiting also for the pool to open for the summer by which time I'll be vaccinated.

It's now about 6 hours post jab and I have arm pain, headache (who was I kidding, I always get one) and dizziness and fatigue. So off to the couch I go!

Career obsession and health

 I'm sure we have all heard it all before. Work life balance is the term for it but at the root of it, all of us want to be fulfilled in our personal lives, our interests, our families and our careers. 

In my case, I have done what I can regarding self care and self reflection. My career woes go down several years, and while it's been mostly positive in terms of how interesting I find my job and the money earned, there have been some issues that have been front and center for me for years.

Enter health anxiety and worries for mine and my families' health. All of the work stuff fades in comparison. But every time I take a mental break from the health anxiety, the work anxiety says "hello!". 

I've now to find a good strategy to keep both of them at bay, or at least to manage them. So it's time to list the positives and negatives I suppose, and hope that brings me a balanced perspective. I do not want to fly off the handle about my job or remain career obsessed, even though I am pretty ambitious.

Negatives:

- I came in to this job at the wrong job title. It is usually for those early in career, and this means that I have some climbing to do. 

- Of course, the responsibilities are still being assigned based on my experience which is mid-senior level.

- This causes frustration and is something I'm not able to shake off. I hate, I repeat, absolutely hate, working for that elusive promotion. Been there, done that for the past 9ish years - moving goalposts, discrimination, reorgs, and more - I can just list a long list of reasons why that can happen again.

- The workload I'm assigned seems to be unfairly distributed (in my opinion). I'm the newbie, that gets the leftover features, the problematic features and somehow even the bulk of the features while being assigned a "junior" position, and somehow I'm supposed to be motivated to prove myself - I wanted that promotion right?

- I'm still salty about the fact that I had a bait and switch done on me - and that this promotion was actually not supposed to be in the picture. I actually was down-leveled at hire and therefore was reset a couple of years probably.

Positives

Okay so that seemed pretty bad but it was good to get it off my chest. Here are the positives:

- Got a new job, without much of a break. Got a severance package that still has a few months to go. So I get double salary for a few.

- My pay is almost a time and a half more than my last job.

- New company, leader in its field, new technology - all exciting stuff

- New role, which really opens up many many doors for me

- Down to earth colleagues - such a change from the toxic arrogant environment I was working in

- Opportunities to work on stuff I'm interested in and stepping stone for better roles

- Very well respected company and combined with my past experience, my resume is absolutely powerful.

- I still have another job lead for a company I wanted to work for that is putting my application on hold. I've already interviewed there and gotten through 3 rounds. So it's a matter of resuming the process if and when I'm ready - so I already have my next gig lined up.

- Some really nice people I get to work with.

- Manager is friendly, supportive and down to earth. Such a change from the very arrogant and sneaky past experience.

Alright, I should not think too much and go with the flow. Learn as much as possible, enjoy it while I can and enjoy my family when I can as well. We also have a new nanny so we can finally focus again and hope that this new dynamic works for our family and for her.

Back to health and family - keep doing things to keep those in good shape. 

Signing off. 

Marching on

It's been a busy time here at home. We're working, taking care of kids, mental health is shot with no rest. We realized how deep into it we were when after several difficult nights of toddler not sleeping well, we had one night that he slept until 6 and we woke up feeling like brand new people.

Anyway, it appears that our kids are going through some big feelings around life. They miss their nanny, seeing family and friends, their grandpa, and are worried about their other grandparents, as well as us. We had tinnitus flare ups that got us down and upset our kids. My husband and I are worriers by nature and over-thinkers about our life, work, etc. And I think this stress sort of rubs off on the kids.

Anyway, after years of beating ourselves up about our work style - I feel that screw it. It's unique, it's good to care, it's a positive quality to want to be as detailed as possible in our work, and to be cooperative rather than manipulative/aggressive. Unfortunately this sometimes doesn't serve us well in our competitive and cut throat careers, but that's a balance we will need to find. But maybe we can try and find it without changing who we fundamentally are? Wishful or naive thinking or realistic goal? There's still room to grow and things to learn about work personalities. 

It's a bit hard to wrap our minds around the Covid situation. Vaccinations are going on, and things are opening up. But the situation is still pretty bad the world over? Some people are just done and going on as if nothing happened. Others like us are so isolated, we feel like we live on a different planet compared to some others. And so much is up in the air still with all the variants going around and unknowns about vaccines, as well as how to get the pandemic under control.

My work is a mixed bag. I'm realizing I have been extremely fortunate to get this job and that it could be quite empowering if I am able to do it well. But I also get these frequent feelings of being undervalued, and I am not sure how much of it is valid to be frank. I've been battered and bruised, but on the other hand I can recognize the signs well? I want to trust my instincts more and second guess myself less and see how it serves me.

This month will bring a new nanny and my birthday... trying to look forward to things, but really we are just so tired. Maybe when our kid finally sleeps well, is when we can rest. Our ped suggested a sleep consultant and we can probably look into that. I am pretty sure that I can go back to journal entries as far as five years back and find "I hope our sleep issues improve" about the kids. It's been what now, five, six years? Oof! 

I've fallen off the shoegaze wagon, for some reason. After all the events of the past few months, I no longer have favorites that are stuck in my mind. Maybe that's why I also feel quite blah. But as I write this, and think about how much we've achieved and overcome, maybe that's something to feel thankful and satisfied about. With that, let's roll into the weekend.

Some sunny days

A lot has happened since my last post. 

Here in the US, there is a new administration and the relief we are feeling is only now showing in our stress levels. Yes, there's an extent to which politics is not in tune with our daily struggles, but for the most part, the things that this President is doing are very reassuring and in the right direction. The daily stress from all of that is no longer there, which lets us focus on other things...which brings us to:

The pandemic. With all the lockdowns in our area the cases are going down, however just today I read that the CDC forecasts a spike in March due to all the variants. Meanwhile many people in my family threw caution to the wind and gathered with no precautions in India - which affected me even though I'm so far away. It's very weird reconciling these feelings. Some of us are extremely isolated even though we don't really like it, and we choose to continue to isolate. And I worry that the small allowances we give ourselves for things we deem necessary (like a nanny for a few hours in a day to let us focus on work), may be the risk that gets us. It's really hard to have to worry about all of the exposure, while so many don't bother and don't seem to be affected. It's the Murphy's law and fear of what will happen to us careful ones...

On the home front, our dear nanny and friend is now safely with her family and we miss her so. We've identified someone to join us but it won't be for a few more weeks. This also works out for us since we planned to be extra prudent during February to mid-March - I always pay special caution to this time of year since flu shots are wearing off, people have winter fatigue and illnesses float around, even pre-Covid. 

I started my new job and it's actually been quite a relief. I didn't realize how much I didn't like the phase when I wasn't working. I think I'm someone that needs to be working, at least at the present time in my life. I realized from talking with many prior colleagues what a big step forward my new job is from what I was doing and that's quite empowering. Maybe the reasons I shared in my previous post were holding me back from appreciating it (and those reasons are still valid), but I think I feel a lot better about the job situation even though the position I'm in isn't ideal in a few ways (nothing major, I think most companies have a few things that take getting used to).

So things are moving along. The kids are doing okay but it's quite a bit of effort taking care of them - they act out since they realize that our focus is elsewhere. Sometimes I wonder if we should just give in and focus on them, kind of let work take a backseat. But then my ambition and drive and interest in work comes back (same with my husband) and we get sucked in - I think since both of us enjoy our work, there's always that new idea we want to explore and we can't really disconnect.

A friend commented today that I look like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders and indeed it is, with my new job. It's actually in an area that I really like - I'm just wondering (and hoping) that I am able to step into it and take off - something I've been trying to do for a really long time and not completely succeeding at. We'll see where this one goes.

Oh, and back to the title of this post. Today was a nice pleasant warm day and I was sunning myself in the garden, when my daughter remarked "Mom, you look like you're at the beach". After many weeks of rains, the sun poked out again. I think that we have at least a week of sunny days ahead of us. There have been some high levels of humidity and strong winds that remind us we are still in winter and also continue to be in dark times. Just learning to appreciate the pockets of light in between. And of course, the fact that we are in California means that the winter is relatively mild to begin with.

My arm pain has returned (ulnar neuropathy and tendinitis) and ouch is it painful. Trying to go along and hope it eases off on its own. I finished the 30 days of yoga diligently and have stopped since I started the job...have to figure out a way to resume once we are in a regular schedule again.

We go up, we go down

Back to blogging. This is going to be another dear diary....and once I process these feelings I may get back to better posts!

My days here have been a roller coaster. I've had some good moments, but haven't been feeling great, and I don't know why.

I'll write the negative first, I suppose.

- My job search ended, I got a job. It's great in many many ways. But it isn't the best. And somehow instead of feeling grateful, I'm feeling sad. There was a let down towards the end that may have something to do with it. Anyway I haven't yet started, so we'll see.

- My other job I wanted hasn't panned out yet, and I'm not sure if it is going to be a missed opportunity. Timing didn't work out great.

- Nanny is leaving and we're going to miss her in more ways than one.

- I'm still feeling feelings of loss and missing family. It's hard to reconcile these feelings. Wanted some good times, carefree times but that feels so out of reach.

- Worried about my daughter - some health and behavioral issues cropped up this month

- Feeling quite upset, but I don't know why.

So let's go to the positive.

- No longer in the job market! I got three offers and chose the best one. New beginnings, potential, learnings, and stability in the time of a pandemic. Financially it worked out well for our family. I know it's a big accomplishment, even if I am being hard on myself.

- My job search and career coach reminded me that I am a valuable candidate. I should remember this if I decide to interview again, which is likely since I'm only mid-career.

- My gut feelings are spot on, and I needn't rationalize away others' behavior but instead can go with my initial impression

- Looking forward to some better weather, more family time just the four of us, and maybe some relaxation

- Realize that the job situation is only temporary. Once I'm in something, I'll have a different perspective and can grow from there.

- New president, administration, hopefully we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

- Finished 20 days of yoga this January. 10 more to go. Been doing walks and sunlight and all the good stuff.

- Getting organized in the home. 

A look back at my self-expression milestones and where they leave me

After writing the last post which was honestly written in a moment of feeling blah, I went back and read my January 1st post from last year. I had set out with a few goals around self-expression and had taken on a new project: network programmability. With this new chapter, I had set myself some personal and professional goals. 

Surprisingly I hit all of my goals in the self-expression category! Well maybe not too surprising, because I very consciously worked on them over the year. I hit many of my goals for self-expression, most notable being my technical blogs at work and my family blogs. I always have a soft spot for this blog, but no-one in IRL reads it, and I think it's still a bit too raw and journal-like. But I love it nonetheless. The professional blogs were a joy to work on, and I learnt so much from the process. I really enjoyed writing them and was able to promote my work, my company, technology and myself. I am hopeful that those efforts are still helping me during my current search.

This brings me to my word of the year. I was toying around with positivity, self-assurance and confidence. I hesitate to use the first and last among these words because of my anxiety. What if I state that from here on I'm a positive and confident woman - start practicing it - and get cocky and bam! some misfortune hits. See how my anxiety works? So self-assurance is sort of the safe word there that lets me get the idea across but still keeps me grounded, like it's a good quality to have for ourselves. Where I really want it to go is 

-- To be more carefree around my family. To let them see me laugh, to stop obsessively worrying (yes, worries will be there), to let burdens roll off my back a bit more easily and to stop taking on others' baggage. 

-- To feel empowered at work. I really hope that this is something that works out for me. I am seeking it out but it is also very situational in nature.

-- To let myself enjoy things a bit more. Find more pleasure in the activities we do and the good moments. Make the highs feel higher, essentially, so I can ride on them for longer.

-- To continue yoga and breathing because that's what it's all about.

-- To read and learn a ton because knowledge and diligence are extremely empowering to me and drive me forward.

-- To keep regular stock of things I've made progress on to feel more self confident. 

-- To work on a cleaner and more organized home. I think storage space and organizing is where I need to focus this effort on.

With that, let's bid this post adieu and hope that I can tackle these tasks one by one.

January Post

It's the evening of January 2nd as I type this. It's been a strange week for us where one day sort of merged into the next and we lost track of time. I suppose that's a good thing because we spent so much quality time together, just the four of us.

Our weeks were extremely busy, with my job interviews and follow-up taking most of my time in December including the early part of Christmas week and this past week. I've learnt a lot through this process and have been working double shift, it feels like, since the hiring process is long drawn and multi stage in my field.

On the home front, we celebrated Christmas in a very low-key manner. We bought a tree just three days before Christmas and decorated it in the garden. The decorations remained up only for a few days since it was scheduled to rain. We have been enjoying the tree in our garden still, minus all the decorations (I kind of like it this way). We had gifts for the kids as well as each other. We didn't do any special meal or cookies or desserts and it was such a relief! But we ended up spending so much time together, playing, walks, relaxing and talking.

As usual, I don't really feel the need to mark the new year with a lot of lofty goals, and don't really believe that "2020 is over" really matters. For one, nothing really changed between Dec 31 and Jan 1 other than the calendar. And for another, most of the people ranting about how bad 2020 was with quarantine, were mostly inconvenienced and didn't experience irrecoverable loss or grief. I can't imagine people who experienced loss saying "thank goodness that terrible 2020 is behind us, happy 2021!" Because the loss remains, as does the gaping hole it leaves. 

But with all that said, I do understand the need to have hope. To feel like we're turning the symbolic page to new beginnings and plans. I don't think there's much of a difference between resolutions and goals but I think we all have things we want to try to change. 

I'm trying to do the 30 day yoga journey again this year. Let's see how it goes. There are a lot of things up in the air for us and I am working on them one at a time. I'll have to try to be more positive and less anxious through it all when I can. 

So here goes, this post was a bit of nothing really, but I felt like writing since it's been a while. January and the winter in general are really tough months for all of us, so I am going to go one step at a time and my next target is to get through the next week. There's even been a lull in music for me, I've been listening to the same old same old and so I have nothing new to add.

Looking for inspiration with music and books at the moment.

Nerves and Knots

 As the end of the year draws to a close, many are lost in Christmas-related activities, looking forward to some downtime and harboring hope for the new year.

Over here, it's been a mish mash of a bunch of things. We are trying to get some Christmas things going - gifts for the kids, crafts (which I didn't do any of myself), gifts for friends and family's kids. I suppose there will be downtime as well and thinking of the new year.

But when you're in the midst of a job search, and doing it in the midst of grief and a pandemic, everything else is a distant second. I can only long for a scenario of having only "regular" problems brought in with social distancing, lack of activities, work-life balance and irritable kids. But instead I seem to be living on a different plane altogether, and trying to still keep day to day going.

Kids' books come to the rescue for me. Often when I'm reading to my daughter at night, those few minutes of reading a story are my solace in the day. Snuggling close to her, the day's heavy lifting done and getting lost in a book are a very comforting feeling. Most of the time, I read on auto-pilot while my mind is racing about a job, but some elements of the story still seep into my consciousness. There are then the morals that come with these stories that stick with me through my tough moments during the day.

"How I long to sail", said the tiny snail.

This was one of the quotes that inspired me about a year ago. But today, it's another line from the same book (The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson) that sticks with me:

"I must not fail", said the tiny snail. 

This is the determination with which I handled one particularly grueling set of interviews. It is nerve racking going through the process - initially just giving it a shot, then crossing a hurdle, starting to have hope and worried it will get shot down, and then continuing to keep going. My fear is to get into something that I don't enjoy or that is a negative for me in the overall scheme of things. Just be focused on what you really want right? Well, I am to an extent. I've done all the homework it was possible to do beforehand, but while in the middle of the job search, I've also have to refine my goals. This led to me pursuing things I later felt I was not a good fit for, and also leading me to question how much I should delve into this idea of a "good job", and the big what-if, what if I don't get the job I want.

It's a process that often has my stomach in knots but I turn to one of my daughter's books again. "I didn't look up, I didn't look down. I just kept going, one step at a time, until I was no longer afraid". - After the Fall (the story of how Humpty Dumpty got back up again).

So with that, I guess I'll just keep going. And prepare for the next step ahead.

Celebrate in the midst of uncertainty

 It's really a strange balance when you have kids and have to "life". Ideally, we'd all be immersed in our day to day lives, activities, work and finding things to do together which we enjoy. I think that's the purpose of life, to be able to make a better world for ourselves and others, that we can feel content and fulfilled in.

Well, what do you do when you have to keep things going on for your little ones, but you're breaking into a thousand pieces inside? You make a choice to keep on keeping on. To acknowledge your feelings, and that it's okay to feel worried, anxious, and uneasy in general. And also to remember that you have strength, resiliency and a perspective that allows you to keep your kids' world and yours to an extent with little joys.

So the bad and the good again. The job situation is really stressful. It's beyond debilitating to have to keep these balls in the air, interview (I've had close to 50, between interviews, hiring manager calls, recruiter calls and references/industry contact calls). I've done well on some and poorly on others (actually just one so far, but it's eating at me because it's for a job I really want). It's also nerve wracking to keep all the communication positive, motivated and sincere, when in reality you're struggling with it all. So let's agree that this whole process is not easy, and that it's normal to feel anguish through it all.

The grief and losses and pandemic are just casting a dark feeling over it all, and it's really difficult to plod through these weeks. I remember the summer when I was enjoying my work, loved ones were still with us, my swimming every morning and spending time with the family. It was idyllic when compared to what I'm going through now.

But hey - there's still tons to be grateful for. The fact that I was able to network, interview. The knowledge I've gained through this whole process. The possibilities are still there. And I'm still capable, motivated to be in the field I am in, and willing to be all in and work with a positive attitude.

The kids - well it's one of their birthdays today. I am going to go off to bake a cake. And then bring them some joy with gifts (presents were all handled by my husband and family members, thankfully, and thanks to Amazon). We may do a walk or bike ride or drive through of the neighborhood to check out Christmas lights and decorations. We will fill them with some activities for them to enjoy their holiday season. They're also the ones keeping me and us sane, so really, I have to be grateful for that. Also for my husband, without whose support I would have crumbled at this time. He keeps me afloat literally. 

I've also got a lot of opportunities to learn, grow and prepare and I'm going to make full use of them. I hope that with this, I am able to cross this hurdle and overcome this awful feeling and just be able to have a pleasant day to day again. Yes I know, it's all in my attitude, but I've got to give myself grace on that too.

Choices and consequences

 Good morning blogosphere.

It's been a hectic few weeks, to say the least. I've been busy beyond measure, and running on empty a lot of the time. We're managing to keep the boat afloat at home with the kids, and still do some enjoyable activities with them from time to time. It's exhausting but is also our saving grace and our slice of normalcy in our otherwise rollercoaster life.

I'd done this thing where I listed out some of the negative thoughts on my mind, followed by the positive and seeing where it left me. The idea being not to block out the worries but to give them a space to exist and then move on to the positive things which would hopefully give me a better perspective.

So here goes. What am I worried about?

- The grief from losing two of our loved ones. The permanently altered family landscape. The loss of the loved ones themselves and what might have been. The pain that the rest of the family is going through. The isolation and depressing feeling. The feeling that it will never go away really, to let us feel carefree again.

- The job search. I've been fortunate to have made progress on that front. But the timing is not quite great, I think? The jobs I had my heart set on - I'm at an initial stage of the process so I don't really know if they will pan out. Meanwhile a couple of others are looking promising but I'm not sure they are the right choice for me now. But choices is good, yeah? It is also extremely confusing, stressful and keeps me up at night.

- The worry that I won't be able to be successful in a job, even if I find one. I know I need to buckle up and deal and power through. But it's still scary to embark on something new, in the middle of this pandemic.

- Worries about childcare with our beloved and trusted nanny moving away. I don't even know how to take care of my kids fulltime and work and even begin on the process to find new and safe childcare.

- Worry about the pandemic and safety and health...how things may unfold and this winter ahead and spring, and beyond. I think I've been depressed and I am not sure if I'll get out of it.

- Deja vu of 2017 fall when things started going downhill falling like dominoes. I just want to stop this train of bad stuff and invite some good for a change.

- Worry about my husband coping with the loss, stress of life and hoping we can both come out of it.

That's a lot, to be honest. Let me go on to the positive.

- The outing that husband and I did about a week ago. We went to a beautiful scenic place by the ocean, did a hike in the marsh land, and went back up to the beach to spend a day out. The drive, hike and overall time spent was priceless (sans kids). A bonus was that it took us back to a time a few years back, when many things were right in our world.

- I cut my kids' hair and it turned out great. It's such a relief to be able to do that and for them to look well taken care of

- Gifts and plans for my daughter's birthday. While we will be spending it at home, with just us, she is excited and we managed to get her things (along with family sending some) that will fill her with joy.

- Hopefully a financial benefit, with all the severance and possibilities.

- The ability to get a break from the toxicity that was my last job. To be free from it all. To be moving towards something better and not settling for being treated less than. To be free from the hypocrisy and struggle of having to motivate myself despite everything around me. To also end on a semi-supportive note.

- To be isolated and not have to deal with worries about gatherings during this time. To be in semi lockdown to feel a bit safer

- To have opportunities for jobs even during the pandemic

- I'm glad that I am someone who thinks things through without getting flustered and does what I think and not what others do (these were not my own words but reminded to me by a relative). That I am smart and have a lot of work experience.

- I am glad that I have loving supportive family and friends.

- I am glad to be exited and passionate about the field I am working in, and learning new things still excites me.

- I am glad to be able to put things in perspective, that I think things through with their potential, their value and not just a superficial view of things.

- I am glad to have possibilities to explore with my spouse living in a great place, with opportunities here in the US, maybe even in Europe at some point. I've got a great multicultural background that I get to live everyday instead of just looking at from the outside. The ability to pick up new languages, new skills, live a colorful life with a variety of activities and interests. The ability to go against the grain - I've done it before, many times, to power through adversity even while feeling every bit of the pain because I care, and the possibility to arrive at a solution that works the best for all involved.

- I have the ability to be a good source of comfort and advice to my friends and family. To put things in perspective and encourage them. To love them and cheer them on in ways unique to our relationship. To be a pillar of support.

- I have lots of things I enjoy. From cups of coffee, to hikes, to reading books to music to singing. From traveling to dreaming and all things in between. From enjoying working, truly being excited about it, to making strides in what I'm doing, to helping make a difference to others. 

- I have the ability to be a great manager/boss for example, to my nanny. I've taken steps to thank her for her service and support her in her next venture, and be a support to her in her life because she's the same for me.

- I have a lot of potential in my kids which I'm grateful for. Being a mixed family sets us apart a little bit not just because of the basics but because we live our different cultures everyday. We hope we can come up with the best of both worlds and all others as well and give them an opportunity to catapult themselves into a happy and enriching life.

- I have the humility to know my limitations and also know when to highlight my strengths and when to retreat, to be a listener and to choose my words carefully when I speak. I've also got the ability to reach out and speak to a range of people.

- I've got the values that people want to work with. The cooperative, sincere, motivated, humble, striving for intelligence, and being fair and equitable. 

- I know that my walks, yoga, journaling, hikes, running and eventually maybe swimming (summer) are all going to help my mental health. I also have ways to work on technical topics to help myself stay motivated. 

- I have a supportive husband whom I'm grateful to have by my side while making these hard decisions about career, the ability to change gears if things don't work out (being in the silicon valley), and the gut feeling that I have to fall back on or lead me forward whichever that may be.

- In all, I know I'm in a great place to come out of this hole. I am doing the work. I don't have a crystal ball to say how and when that may happen but I can only try and have to keep the faith that it will all work out. 

My anxiety is ramping up

 These past few weeks have been really trying. There have been some ups for sure, but we have had a few tragedies and it's a hard pill to swallow. After my father in law's passing, we went through a few weeks of tough times - with the sadness, the separation, the longing for what might have been and managing the day to day through it all, in the middle of a pandemic.

Thankfully my husband's international travel went ok - but we had to deal with potential lockdowns, paperwork, many precautionary Covid tests, masks, quarantines, me solo parenting and working, and lots of isolation (for him, on both sides of the trip). We made it through all of that, and then I focused on my job search.

I was making progress on that front and as my last day of work approached, I fell into quite a lot of moping and frustration. Then on my last day of work, after I had finally signed papers and logged off - I cried it out. As I was just preparing to turn the page starting the following day, we got some devastating news from India and grief and tragedy struck again.

I've been in a state of shock and not really processing it all. At the same time, I've had job related meetings and interviews that I've put up a front for. Tomorrow I have to present to a panel for a job. It's all so surreal. I haven't prepared nearly as much as I need to. I realized that with all my presentation experience - I hadn't presented at all for nearly 3 years. I don't know how so much time passed - and how I will snap back. But what gets to me is that we have to keep going on, and I don't know how.

Why is life so hard, and day to day so challenging? I can't even bear to think of the grief of my family back home. I can't even be there. I'm just pretending to "function". While I was trying to work today, I just broke down and got consumed by the loss. There's just a knot in my throat, in my stomach, that's taken up residence there. And at night, the nightmares begin.

In all of this, my husband and I took a long drive and did a walk together in nature. Some respite from it all. But all I want to do is to turn back time and write this chapter of the second half of 2020 differently. Very differently. 

So where does it leave me with gratitude practice? With yoga? With running? Nowhere really. I know I have to get back to these things, but I hope they come to me. Gratitude - yes there's still a lot to be grateful for I know, when I look at my kids for example. But, I feel like this time when I think of gratitude (even though I am in reality grateful for those things I have), when I try to write them down, it feels like I'm giving myself a consolation prize, like it could be worse. Anyway, I will eventually figure it out, and get back to praying, being grateful, meditating, and exercising, because even in the face of suffering, we need those things to cope and weather the storm.

With this, I will get down to work, because what else can I do? I'll work on the slides, read up on some content, and try to do my best in these 15-20 hours I have left. And if it goes okay, great, and if not, I will learn from it and know how to improve for the next time. All I have to do now is put in the effort and focus, I'll get back to "life" in about a day's time.

Being true to ourselves

I've had the past ten days to truly be by myself. While my husband is traveling, I have been busy managing the home and going through the grief. There's a lot to keep me busy and I've also been taking care of financial and logistical organization during this time.

When we talk about being true to ourselves, of course all of us want to live by this principle. But with today's world of endless streams of information, internet access, less in-person interaction and more social media, the definition of "ourselves" becomes a bit murky. I've always been wary of social media, having notably stayed off all of it between 2012 and 2019. Because of this, I've had the feeling that I was "left behind" in a few ways, mostly in my career. 

But 2020 rolls around, and with documentaries like The Social Dilemma, many are beginning to realize just how much their lives are driven by social media. There was a shift around 2012-2013 when more social media interactions moved to smartphones and that time period marked a change in the world as we know it. It's created a different version of people, the kind that while they're doing things, are thinking about that next social media post that they're going to post about that very same thing. It's created customized news feeds that tell you exactly what you want to hear and show you the rabbit holes that you cannot stay away from. It's created pandemic deniers, conspiracy theories, human rights violations, narcissistic personality disorder, increased rates of depression and more. After this come the notifications. It's a life of endless clicking and scrolling over what is, frankly, mostly spam. While the mind is spinning from this mundane exercise, the person feels momentarily satisfied at the good number of likes or whatever, only to check in a few minutes later and see no new notifications and feel oddly dissatisfied again. And so the cycle repeats.

I've seen the behavior of my toddler after a little while with the phone. I sometimes give it to him locked in the Spotify app and he scrolls and clicks on random tracks to play (well, not so random, he seems to know what he's doing). After about ten minutes of this, when I yank the phone away from him, he's irritable for a quite a while after. I know it's not been good for him. And I give it back to him to get that momentary peace the next day, traded for an hour or more of bad behavior. This shows me that firstly, I probably am as irritable after being on my phone for a certain amount of time. And secondly, that even though logically we know that it's bad for us, we continue to do it (addictive).

Well, now it's becoming evident that being "left behind" isn't all that bad - it means that I've preserved some sense of myself during that time period when I was completely off social media (7 years) and then partially off it (1 year) - and that I have the self awareness to have realized it early on and put a stop to it. Yes, I know, many on social media have perfected the art of finding a good balance of real life and virtual life, but most of us have fallen trap to our smartphones to varying extents.

For the skeptics, if you think it doesn't apply to you allll that much - that you're just on it for friends and family or work, blah blah - why don't you try deleting it off your phone for a bit, even if you cannot make the commitment to deactivating social media like I did? Maybe start with just Facebook if you must keep the others on? This is what I did yesterday. At the very least, remove notifications on everything including email (I've always had notifications off).

So here are a few things I have to do as part of my digital and job detox (read on for ideas if this might apply to you):

- Delete 1 social media app from phone for a month (more if possible). I did this to save space initially, but kept it off just to see how it feels without it.

- Remove all notifications

- Quit job - haha, this only applies to me. I have a "choice" but it's more like a strongly recommended exit and I decided to take it and not prolong the inevitable.

- Delete chat programs for work from smartphone. Only see them when at PC. Done.

- Push all of that data on to a location that you don't have to deal with it anymore. Start with a fresh slate on a home PC.

- Get out of the house everyday. In my case, I go sit at the creek nearby and listen to the sound of the stream flowing and just stare into space while the thoughts (and sometimes tears) flow.

- Work out - this goes with the above, I walk or run. And I'll do yoga.

- Choose two tracks. One should be a professional one and the other should be any other interest than your main profession. If you're an artist by profession for example, choose a non professional interest as your second one, that could be singing or yoga or anything that will not find it's way to your professional life. Then, try to advance both of these separately. 

In my case, I'll choose to learn and prepare for interviews in computer networking. I really enjoy it, it gets me excited, so as I learn more, I'll feel more confident and empowered and fulfilled (regardless of interview outcomes).

And the non professional track will be singing and writing. I'll continue writing, and also figure out how to even get started on the music aspect. 

Then check in every week, month, and quarter about each of these tracks.

- Sleep - I'll finally give a decent shot at getting my zzz at night and you should too.

- Don't read the news until noon. And filter for important stuff rather than going down rabbit holes.

- Organize paperwork and home. So once you detox and declutter, that would invite a lot of headspace for positive thoughts.

- Learn how to let things go. I tend to give too much headspace to negative people and things. And also to take things personally which I should just brush off and move on from. Develop a thick skin and stick to my single minded goals - get a job. Don't let yourself spiral into unnecessary thoughts.

- I've always been one of those people that is "struggling" while others appear to be having fun and living the good life. Well, I realized that I have all the ingredients to live that good life and I'm going to actually do it without guilt. I have to stop watching my life from the sidelines and actually play the lead role that I'm given in my life. 

- Read more. I really wish I can get to doing this and read more books. But it'll have to wait until I can figure out the sleep thing first. Then maybe I can get around to doing more reading.

Let's see how this whole thing goes.

Integrity

Often when we are in times of crisis, our lives become a clean slate. We are down to the core of things that matter. We do not care about appearances and extraneous stuff anymore. With this, in some ways we are able to see clearer than before.

There is no doubt that the grief overshadows a lot of our thoughts and feelings. However, during this time, I've come to realize that it's important to focus on the things that matter.

The world around us keeps turning even though our lives came to a standstill. With this I can sort of step outside myself and watch in slow motion things unraveling around me.

I realized that I really need to stop doubting myself and my choices. Many of us need this reminder. Some of us of course need to be told to step back from "me me me". As for me, I fall into the former category.

There are lots of toxic elements around me that I've allowed to hold me back. I have to untangle myself from the control they have over me.

My work choice is becoming clearer. It's going to hurt as hell not to have a job and not to "belong" to an organization. But it had become so toxic and negative that I found myself at odds with it all the time. It's time for me to have a fresh start, and even if corporate culture inevitably degrades into "this", I deserve to give myself a better chance at it this time around.

There have been family members who've not been very empathetic. I guess they don't really care, or maybe they don't have the emotional intelligence to understand. But there've been other family members I could lean on. They've been the same ones who've had my back before, and the same ones who didn't - I didn't learn my lesson I guess.

There's this incredible sense of loss - loss of a loved one, loss of a person of inspiration, loss of what might have been, loss of a grandparent to my children, loss of my husband's carefree nature, loss of my job, loss of my livelihood, loss of our health insurance in a pandemic, loss of the feeling of inclusion in this country, loss of family support, loss of being a happy mom for my kids, loss of financial stability, and loss of a reliable future.

If I dig really deep, I can see the potential for some gains. I hope this loss will teach us to treasure the moments we have with our loved ones, and to make them count and be enjoyable. To not waste those moments on people that are toxic to us. To stand for what's right and make smart choices. To strive for better situations for ourselves.

When I wrote that post about the sun setting on my career that that there might be dark days ahead as I navigate this - I never imagined this level of grief and pain. It's a weight I didn't expect to bear, at least not now. But there it is - and we have to pick ourselves up and keep working. While the world tries to drag us down, we keep working on the goal and towards that next step. After all, my family and kids' futures depend on it. There's no time to lose, I must get to work.