We go up, we go down

Back to blogging. This is going to be another dear diary....and once I process these feelings I may get back to better posts!

My days here have been a roller coaster. I've had some good moments, but haven't been feeling great, and I don't know why.

I'll write the negative first, I suppose.

- My job search ended, I got a job. It's great in many many ways. But it isn't the best. And somehow instead of feeling grateful, I'm feeling sad. There was a let down towards the end that may have something to do with it. Anyway I haven't yet started, so we'll see.

- My other job I wanted hasn't panned out yet, and I'm not sure if it is going to be a missed opportunity. Timing didn't work out great.

- Nanny is leaving and we're going to miss her in more ways than one.

- I'm still feeling feelings of loss and missing family. It's hard to reconcile these feelings. Wanted some good times, carefree times but that feels so out of reach.

- Worried about my daughter - some health and behavioral issues cropped up this month

- Feeling quite upset, but I don't know why.

So let's go to the positive.

- No longer in the job market! I got three offers and chose the best one. New beginnings, potential, learnings, and stability in the time of a pandemic. Financially it worked out well for our family. I know it's a big accomplishment, even if I am being hard on myself.

- My job search and career coach reminded me that I am a valuable candidate. I should remember this if I decide to interview again, which is likely since I'm only mid-career.

- My gut feelings are spot on, and I needn't rationalize away others' behavior but instead can go with my initial impression

- Looking forward to some better weather, more family time just the four of us, and maybe some relaxation

- Realize that the job situation is only temporary. Once I'm in something, I'll have a different perspective and can grow from there.

- New president, administration, hopefully we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

- Finished 20 days of yoga this January. 10 more to go. Been doing walks and sunlight and all the good stuff.

- Getting organized in the home. 

A look back at my self-expression milestones and where they leave me

After writing the last post which was honestly written in a moment of feeling blah, I went back and read my January 1st post from last year. I had set out with a few goals around self-expression and had taken on a new project: network programmability. With this new chapter, I had set myself some personal and professional goals. 

Surprisingly I hit all of my goals in the self-expression category! Well maybe not too surprising, because I very consciously worked on them over the year. I hit many of my goals for self-expression, most notable being my technical blogs at work and my family blogs. I always have a soft spot for this blog, but no-one in IRL reads it, and I think it's still a bit too raw and journal-like. But I love it nonetheless. The professional blogs were a joy to work on, and I learnt so much from the process. I really enjoyed writing them and was able to promote my work, my company, technology and myself. I am hopeful that those efforts are still helping me during my current search.

This brings me to my word of the year. I was toying around with positivity, self-assurance and confidence. I hesitate to use the first and last among these words because of my anxiety. What if I state that from here on I'm a positive and confident woman - start practicing it - and get cocky and bam! some misfortune hits. See how my anxiety works? So self-assurance is sort of the safe word there that lets me get the idea across but still keeps me grounded, like it's a good quality to have for ourselves. Where I really want it to go is 

-- To be more carefree around my family. To let them see me laugh, to stop obsessively worrying (yes, worries will be there), to let burdens roll off my back a bit more easily and to stop taking on others' baggage. 

-- To feel empowered at work. I really hope that this is something that works out for me. I am seeking it out but it is also very situational in nature.

-- To let myself enjoy things a bit more. Find more pleasure in the activities we do and the good moments. Make the highs feel higher, essentially, so I can ride on them for longer.

-- To continue yoga and breathing because that's what it's all about.

-- To read and learn a ton because knowledge and diligence are extremely empowering to me and drive me forward.

-- To keep regular stock of things I've made progress on to feel more self confident. 

-- To work on a cleaner and more organized home. I think storage space and organizing is where I need to focus this effort on.

With that, let's bid this post adieu and hope that I can tackle these tasks one by one.

January Post

It's the evening of January 2nd as I type this. It's been a strange week for us where one day sort of merged into the next and we lost track of time. I suppose that's a good thing because we spent so much quality time together, just the four of us.

Our weeks were extremely busy, with my job interviews and follow-up taking most of my time in December including the early part of Christmas week and this past week. I've learnt a lot through this process and have been working double shift, it feels like, since the hiring process is long drawn and multi stage in my field.

On the home front, we celebrated Christmas in a very low-key manner. We bought a tree just three days before Christmas and decorated it in the garden. The decorations remained up only for a few days since it was scheduled to rain. We have been enjoying the tree in our garden still, minus all the decorations (I kind of like it this way). We had gifts for the kids as well as each other. We didn't do any special meal or cookies or desserts and it was such a relief! But we ended up spending so much time together, playing, walks, relaxing and talking.

As usual, I don't really feel the need to mark the new year with a lot of lofty goals, and don't really believe that "2020 is over" really matters. For one, nothing really changed between Dec 31 and Jan 1 other than the calendar. And for another, most of the people ranting about how bad 2020 was with quarantine, were mostly inconvenienced and didn't experience irrecoverable loss or grief. I can't imagine people who experienced loss saying "thank goodness that terrible 2020 is behind us, happy 2021!" Because the loss remains, as does the gaping hole it leaves. 

But with all that said, I do understand the need to have hope. To feel like we're turning the symbolic page to new beginnings and plans. I don't think there's much of a difference between resolutions and goals but I think we all have things we want to try to change. 

I'm trying to do the 30 day yoga journey again this year. Let's see how it goes. There are a lot of things up in the air for us and I am working on them one at a time. I'll have to try to be more positive and less anxious through it all when I can. 

So here goes, this post was a bit of nothing really, but I felt like writing since it's been a while. January and the winter in general are really tough months for all of us, so I am going to go one step at a time and my next target is to get through the next week. There's even been a lull in music for me, I've been listening to the same old same old and so I have nothing new to add.

Looking for inspiration with music and books at the moment.