These past few weeks have been really trying. There have been some ups for sure, but we have had a few tragedies and it's a hard pill to swallow. After my father in law's passing, we went through a few weeks of tough times - with the sadness, the separation, the longing for what might have been and managing the day to day through it all, in the middle of a pandemic.
Thankfully my husband's international travel went ok - but we had to deal with potential lockdowns, paperwork, many precautionary Covid tests, masks, quarantines, me solo parenting and working, and lots of isolation (for him, on both sides of the trip). We made it through all of that, and then I focused on my job search.
I was making progress on that front and as my last day of work approached, I fell into quite a lot of moping and frustration. Then on my last day of work, after I had finally signed papers and logged off - I cried it out. As I was just preparing to turn the page starting the following day, we got some devastating news from India and grief and tragedy struck again.
I've been in a state of shock and not really processing it all. At the same time, I've had job related meetings and interviews that I've put up a front for. Tomorrow I have to present to a panel for a job. It's all so surreal. I haven't prepared nearly as much as I need to. I realized that with all my presentation experience - I hadn't presented at all for nearly 3 years. I don't know how so much time passed - and how I will snap back. But what gets to me is that we have to keep going on, and I don't know how.
Why is life so hard, and day to day so challenging? I can't even bear to think of the grief of my family back home. I can't even be there. I'm just pretending to "function". While I was trying to work today, I just broke down and got consumed by the loss. There's just a knot in my throat, in my stomach, that's taken up residence there. And at night, the nightmares begin.
In all of this, my husband and I took a long drive and did a walk together in nature. Some respite from it all. But all I want to do is to turn back time and write this chapter of the second half of 2020 differently. Very differently.
So where does it leave me with gratitude practice? With yoga? With running? Nowhere really. I know I have to get back to these things, but I hope they come to me. Gratitude - yes there's still a lot to be grateful for I know, when I look at my kids for example. But, I feel like this time when I think of gratitude (even though I am in reality grateful for those things I have), when I try to write them down, it feels like I'm giving myself a consolation prize, like it could be worse. Anyway, I will eventually figure it out, and get back to praying, being grateful, meditating, and exercising, because even in the face of suffering, we need those things to cope and weather the storm.
With this, I will get down to work, because what else can I do? I'll work on the slides, read up on some content, and try to do my best in these 15-20 hours I have left. And if it goes okay, great, and if not, I will learn from it and know how to improve for the next time. All I have to do now is put in the effort and focus, I'll get back to "life" in about a day's time.
