Nerves and Knots

 As the end of the year draws to a close, many are lost in Christmas-related activities, looking forward to some downtime and harboring hope for the new year.

Over here, it's been a mish mash of a bunch of things. We are trying to get some Christmas things going - gifts for the kids, crafts (which I didn't do any of myself), gifts for friends and family's kids. I suppose there will be downtime as well and thinking of the new year.

But when you're in the midst of a job search, and doing it in the midst of grief and a pandemic, everything else is a distant second. I can only long for a scenario of having only "regular" problems brought in with social distancing, lack of activities, work-life balance and irritable kids. But instead I seem to be living on a different plane altogether, and trying to still keep day to day going.

Kids' books come to the rescue for me. Often when I'm reading to my daughter at night, those few minutes of reading a story are my solace in the day. Snuggling close to her, the day's heavy lifting done and getting lost in a book are a very comforting feeling. Most of the time, I read on auto-pilot while my mind is racing about a job, but some elements of the story still seep into my consciousness. There are then the morals that come with these stories that stick with me through my tough moments during the day.

"How I long to sail", said the tiny snail.

This was one of the quotes that inspired me about a year ago. But today, it's another line from the same book (The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson) that sticks with me:

"I must not fail", said the tiny snail. 

This is the determination with which I handled one particularly grueling set of interviews. It is nerve racking going through the process - initially just giving it a shot, then crossing a hurdle, starting to have hope and worried it will get shot down, and then continuing to keep going. My fear is to get into something that I don't enjoy or that is a negative for me in the overall scheme of things. Just be focused on what you really want right? Well, I am to an extent. I've done all the homework it was possible to do beforehand, but while in the middle of the job search, I've also have to refine my goals. This led to me pursuing things I later felt I was not a good fit for, and also leading me to question how much I should delve into this idea of a "good job", and the big what-if, what if I don't get the job I want.

It's a process that often has my stomach in knots but I turn to one of my daughter's books again. "I didn't look up, I didn't look down. I just kept going, one step at a time, until I was no longer afraid". - After the Fall (the story of how Humpty Dumpty got back up again).

So with that, I guess I'll just keep going. And prepare for the next step ahead.

Celebrate in the midst of uncertainty

 It's really a strange balance when you have kids and have to "life". Ideally, we'd all be immersed in our day to day lives, activities, work and finding things to do together which we enjoy. I think that's the purpose of life, to be able to make a better world for ourselves and others, that we can feel content and fulfilled in.

Well, what do you do when you have to keep things going on for your little ones, but you're breaking into a thousand pieces inside? You make a choice to keep on keeping on. To acknowledge your feelings, and that it's okay to feel worried, anxious, and uneasy in general. And also to remember that you have strength, resiliency and a perspective that allows you to keep your kids' world and yours to an extent with little joys.

So the bad and the good again. The job situation is really stressful. It's beyond debilitating to have to keep these balls in the air, interview (I've had close to 50, between interviews, hiring manager calls, recruiter calls and references/industry contact calls). I've done well on some and poorly on others (actually just one so far, but it's eating at me because it's for a job I really want). It's also nerve wracking to keep all the communication positive, motivated and sincere, when in reality you're struggling with it all. So let's agree that this whole process is not easy, and that it's normal to feel anguish through it all.

The grief and losses and pandemic are just casting a dark feeling over it all, and it's really difficult to plod through these weeks. I remember the summer when I was enjoying my work, loved ones were still with us, my swimming every morning and spending time with the family. It was idyllic when compared to what I'm going through now.

But hey - there's still tons to be grateful for. The fact that I was able to network, interview. The knowledge I've gained through this whole process. The possibilities are still there. And I'm still capable, motivated to be in the field I am in, and willing to be all in and work with a positive attitude.

The kids - well it's one of their birthdays today. I am going to go off to bake a cake. And then bring them some joy with gifts (presents were all handled by my husband and family members, thankfully, and thanks to Amazon). We may do a walk or bike ride or drive through of the neighborhood to check out Christmas lights and decorations. We will fill them with some activities for them to enjoy their holiday season. They're also the ones keeping me and us sane, so really, I have to be grateful for that. Also for my husband, without whose support I would have crumbled at this time. He keeps me afloat literally. 

I've also got a lot of opportunities to learn, grow and prepare and I'm going to make full use of them. I hope that with this, I am able to cross this hurdle and overcome this awful feeling and just be able to have a pleasant day to day again. Yes I know, it's all in my attitude, but I've got to give myself grace on that too.

Choices and consequences

 Good morning blogosphere.

It's been a hectic few weeks, to say the least. I've been busy beyond measure, and running on empty a lot of the time. We're managing to keep the boat afloat at home with the kids, and still do some enjoyable activities with them from time to time. It's exhausting but is also our saving grace and our slice of normalcy in our otherwise rollercoaster life.

I'd done this thing where I listed out some of the negative thoughts on my mind, followed by the positive and seeing where it left me. The idea being not to block out the worries but to give them a space to exist and then move on to the positive things which would hopefully give me a better perspective.

So here goes. What am I worried about?

- The grief from losing two of our loved ones. The permanently altered family landscape. The loss of the loved ones themselves and what might have been. The pain that the rest of the family is going through. The isolation and depressing feeling. The feeling that it will never go away really, to let us feel carefree again.

- The job search. I've been fortunate to have made progress on that front. But the timing is not quite great, I think? The jobs I had my heart set on - I'm at an initial stage of the process so I don't really know if they will pan out. Meanwhile a couple of others are looking promising but I'm not sure they are the right choice for me now. But choices is good, yeah? It is also extremely confusing, stressful and keeps me up at night.

- The worry that I won't be able to be successful in a job, even if I find one. I know I need to buckle up and deal and power through. But it's still scary to embark on something new, in the middle of this pandemic.

- Worries about childcare with our beloved and trusted nanny moving away. I don't even know how to take care of my kids fulltime and work and even begin on the process to find new and safe childcare.

- Worry about the pandemic and safety and health...how things may unfold and this winter ahead and spring, and beyond. I think I've been depressed and I am not sure if I'll get out of it.

- Deja vu of 2017 fall when things started going downhill falling like dominoes. I just want to stop this train of bad stuff and invite some good for a change.

- Worry about my husband coping with the loss, stress of life and hoping we can both come out of it.

That's a lot, to be honest. Let me go on to the positive.

- The outing that husband and I did about a week ago. We went to a beautiful scenic place by the ocean, did a hike in the marsh land, and went back up to the beach to spend a day out. The drive, hike and overall time spent was priceless (sans kids). A bonus was that it took us back to a time a few years back, when many things were right in our world.

- I cut my kids' hair and it turned out great. It's such a relief to be able to do that and for them to look well taken care of

- Gifts and plans for my daughter's birthday. While we will be spending it at home, with just us, she is excited and we managed to get her things (along with family sending some) that will fill her with joy.

- Hopefully a financial benefit, with all the severance and possibilities.

- The ability to get a break from the toxicity that was my last job. To be free from it all. To be moving towards something better and not settling for being treated less than. To be free from the hypocrisy and struggle of having to motivate myself despite everything around me. To also end on a semi-supportive note.

- To be isolated and not have to deal with worries about gatherings during this time. To be in semi lockdown to feel a bit safer

- To have opportunities for jobs even during the pandemic

- I'm glad that I am someone who thinks things through without getting flustered and does what I think and not what others do (these were not my own words but reminded to me by a relative). That I am smart and have a lot of work experience.

- I am glad that I have loving supportive family and friends.

- I am glad to be exited and passionate about the field I am working in, and learning new things still excites me.

- I am glad to be able to put things in perspective, that I think things through with their potential, their value and not just a superficial view of things.

- I am glad to have possibilities to explore with my spouse living in a great place, with opportunities here in the US, maybe even in Europe at some point. I've got a great multicultural background that I get to live everyday instead of just looking at from the outside. The ability to pick up new languages, new skills, live a colorful life with a variety of activities and interests. The ability to go against the grain - I've done it before, many times, to power through adversity even while feeling every bit of the pain because I care, and the possibility to arrive at a solution that works the best for all involved.

- I have the ability to be a good source of comfort and advice to my friends and family. To put things in perspective and encourage them. To love them and cheer them on in ways unique to our relationship. To be a pillar of support.

- I have lots of things I enjoy. From cups of coffee, to hikes, to reading books to music to singing. From traveling to dreaming and all things in between. From enjoying working, truly being excited about it, to making strides in what I'm doing, to helping make a difference to others. 

- I have the ability to be a great manager/boss for example, to my nanny. I've taken steps to thank her for her service and support her in her next venture, and be a support to her in her life because she's the same for me.

- I have a lot of potential in my kids which I'm grateful for. Being a mixed family sets us apart a little bit not just because of the basics but because we live our different cultures everyday. We hope we can come up with the best of both worlds and all others as well and give them an opportunity to catapult themselves into a happy and enriching life.

- I have the humility to know my limitations and also know when to highlight my strengths and when to retreat, to be a listener and to choose my words carefully when I speak. I've also got the ability to reach out and speak to a range of people.

- I've got the values that people want to work with. The cooperative, sincere, motivated, humble, striving for intelligence, and being fair and equitable. 

- I know that my walks, yoga, journaling, hikes, running and eventually maybe swimming (summer) are all going to help my mental health. I also have ways to work on technical topics to help myself stay motivated. 

- I have a supportive husband whom I'm grateful to have by my side while making these hard decisions about career, the ability to change gears if things don't work out (being in the silicon valley), and the gut feeling that I have to fall back on or lead me forward whichever that may be.

- In all, I know I'm in a great place to come out of this hole. I am doing the work. I don't have a crystal ball to say how and when that may happen but I can only try and have to keep the faith that it will all work out.