Nerves and Knots

 As the end of the year draws to a close, many are lost in Christmas-related activities, looking forward to some downtime and harboring hope for the new year.

Over here, it's been a mish mash of a bunch of things. We are trying to get some Christmas things going - gifts for the kids, crafts (which I didn't do any of myself), gifts for friends and family's kids. I suppose there will be downtime as well and thinking of the new year.

But when you're in the midst of a job search, and doing it in the midst of grief and a pandemic, everything else is a distant second. I can only long for a scenario of having only "regular" problems brought in with social distancing, lack of activities, work-life balance and irritable kids. But instead I seem to be living on a different plane altogether, and trying to still keep day to day going.

Kids' books come to the rescue for me. Often when I'm reading to my daughter at night, those few minutes of reading a story are my solace in the day. Snuggling close to her, the day's heavy lifting done and getting lost in a book are a very comforting feeling. Most of the time, I read on auto-pilot while my mind is racing about a job, but some elements of the story still seep into my consciousness. There are then the morals that come with these stories that stick with me through my tough moments during the day.

"How I long to sail", said the tiny snail.

This was one of the quotes that inspired me about a year ago. But today, it's another line from the same book (The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson) that sticks with me:

"I must not fail", said the tiny snail. 

This is the determination with which I handled one particularly grueling set of interviews. It is nerve racking going through the process - initially just giving it a shot, then crossing a hurdle, starting to have hope and worried it will get shot down, and then continuing to keep going. My fear is to get into something that I don't enjoy or that is a negative for me in the overall scheme of things. Just be focused on what you really want right? Well, I am to an extent. I've done all the homework it was possible to do beforehand, but while in the middle of the job search, I've also have to refine my goals. This led to me pursuing things I later felt I was not a good fit for, and also leading me to question how much I should delve into this idea of a "good job", and the big what-if, what if I don't get the job I want.

It's a process that often has my stomach in knots but I turn to one of my daughter's books again. "I didn't look up, I didn't look down. I just kept going, one step at a time, until I was no longer afraid". - After the Fall (the story of how Humpty Dumpty got back up again).

So with that, I guess I'll just keep going. And prepare for the next step ahead.