And there we are, wrapping up June

As the month comes to an end, I realize how we've had shifting priorities throughout this time. I met a few milestones this month so I'll record them here - a work anniversary, a blogiversary and a few more such events.

The shift for us has been a heavy focus on work this month. As the county around us opened up and with people ever eager to go out and socialize, we have seen a steep climb in cases in the US. We are also quite worried about the cases in Bangalore and how the healthcare system is overwhelmed.

As an added layer comes all the discussions on racism and equity that are going on around us. In the mix is the political climate to contend with. Sometimes all of it feels like too much. Other times, there seems to be a ray of hope.

I felt a bit defeated and dejected this past weekend. At some level it feels pointless and like nothing will ever change. That we will continue to be where we are and things are getting progressively worse. That racism will always be there and even things like "equal pay" will apply only to the select few. I am worried about how the health crisis will unfold. It is all looking fairly grim at the moment.

For now, the only thing we can do is put our heads down and get to work. We can follow all the "best practices" for our health and keep going, building those skills while we have the time to do so. Knowledge is power and brings with it a certain amount of self confidence. And besides, focusing on work and learning serves as a small respite from the constant deluge of negative news around us.

On the bright side, I discovered Chapterhouse and it's been a breath of fresh air. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PsN_DfnHQU

Pearl - by Chapterhouse

Circle of color
Beautiful girl
Daughter of yellow
Mother of pearl

I used to know her
She gave me the time
Then she just left me
I thought she was mine

On my mind, liquid pearl
Coolest blue, fire world

But I can't seem to
Change her mind

Programmability - what's it all about?

These past few weeks have been very busy for me with work. I got into my groove at work with my new topic of network programmability.

Well, to start with the word programmability - what's it all about? It's about making something programmable, that is for something to be capable of being programmed. So what is being programmed or a program, really? It is a plan of action to a specific end, and a schedule of procedures to be followed.

Most people are familiar with computer programming and writing code. But when you think of networks and making them programmable, it is often tricky to put pieces of the puzzle together. Do you take someone who knows how to code, and ask them to write code for a networking project? I would say no. Do you silo the networking elements and the programmatic elements and hope that you can make them work together? Also, no.

Most networking devices are built with hardware and software. When we talk about network programmability, we're NOT talking about device software. Rather, we are talking about how to use tools and scripts to get meaningful data from networks, and organize this data and manipulate it in the best way possible. In my experience, it takes someone with a solid foundation in networking to figure this out.

Learning to code is something that many of us know and many do not. I did it almost two decades ago, but haven't done a whole lot since. However, I feel that with time and dedication, anyone can learn programming - to an extent. You don't have to have a lot of foundational skills to be able to code. Disclaimer: I am not talking about programming as a job or a career, since that does have huge complexity and requires foundational training. I am talking about learning to program as a tool such as for a blog, a script, etc. It's about syntax and logic and taking care of all scenarios. I do think that one can pick up coding at any age. Side note: I think it's quite unnecessary for kids to learn Python or coding as an extracurricular - why not follow some other interest that would evoke fond childhood memories, and learn your programming language of choice when you're 16 or 21 or whenever (or never)? Now to proceed..

Learning networking is a bigger challenge in my opinion. There are many who work in networking but only scratch the surface. What I found is that in order to do network programmability and do it well, you need to go deep. You need practical examples of networking to understand it well. For me, the key in network programmability is to understand the A to Z and to be able to put it all together - a proper workflow - from a network engineer's perspective. There is a lot of work done in DevOps and it is mostly done by developers. Many have foundational network skills, and have written a lot of code themselves. It is daunting to enter this world, and navigate through all the content. But I still feel that there is a lack of practical networking applications and a networking perspective on it.

In my personal learning journey, I started off a blank slate - well not blank, I should give myself more credit than that. But more or less not very aware of programmability topics. But now it is starting to make sense, and I have all this knowledge that is not documented anywhere. I've had to refer to obscure blogs (not this one, thank you very much), dig deep into config guides and more or less figure it out on the fly as I worked on it (with help).

So now the question is - what do I do with this information? I want to write - blogs, papers, presentations. I want to make videos. I want to try out all my ideas and create. I have a fire lit and I am not sure where to take it. BUT - I am still at the very beginning in a field that is already pretty mature. Covid and childcare and all of our worries are always around, ready to change things in a heartbeat. This always gives me pause in making plans and getting ahead of myself. Anxiety is ready and waiting to kick in. But while I am at it, I really want to make a playbook for network programmability.

I'll use this in my life lessons as well. When something feels daunting, take it apart. What is the goal? How can I start with just a small step? What will I learn when I do this one task - and do it myself from beginning to end? It is going to start to fall into place. Then I can start making a map or a procedure. Share my knowledge - even if with myself - and see where it leads. Recently, I came across a topic that I had learnt and forgotten, and was able to refer to study slides that I had made for myself and have it click again. I want to do more of this, and even share it with a wider audience.

This is something I read recently that is important to remember - "not letting anyone tell me that I'm not good enough". I know, caveats and all, and this needs to be in context. But it's something that spoke to me. I hope that I can keep on going with passion and dogged determination. Staying humble and treating all as equals. But also not falling down too hard if I receive discouragement, but to brush it off and keep my focus. Don't we all?

On BLM and racism

Racism has been on all of our minds and everyone is at a different point in their self-awareness journey on race and privilege. I've got a lot of things to say, and am reading daily and learning more during this time. I've always been actively reading and forming my personal opinions on equity, at least for the past ten years. But there also comes a point when you want to do something about it, and for me that means to speak up more.

Right now, it seems to be the thing to do for every company to denounce the current acts of police brutality and to stand with Black Lives Matter. It is almost a check mark at this time. Every influencer and small business on social media appear to be obliged to show a front to their customers. “I stand with Black people (let’s ignore the fact that I don’t have diverse employees myself), now please buy from my shop!” 

They go on to say, "We've had raw conversations and have taken the first steps to heal, now it is time for action", and pledge their donations or propose policy changes. It's kind of a day late and dollar short, isn't it? I don't think the Black community are at the "healing" stage yet, and you (general you) don't get to decide how they feel.

Our industry is now in the process of changing the language used in technical terms. Things like whitelist and master/slave terminology in computers and networking are being removed. I have always cringed at these terms and wonder why it took company mandates for people to stop using them.

On the other side of the coin are the ones who are saying nothing. Yes, some people “don’t do politics”. People are busy. But I hope many recognize their race-based privilege in being able to go on with their day to day lives, their hobbies, their work, and their busy schedules without missing a beat and not being completely affected and overwhelmed these past few weeks.  

Racism exists all over the world. It is time for country leadership and company leadership to do more than denounce it. This week, many companies provided trainings and resources to employees. They feel that they are doing their part. But, don’t teach it once and call it a day. It needs to be comprehensive and repeated often. Every company needs way more diverse and equitable leadership, because white people trying to come up with a solution just isn’t cutting it. Enough with the figurehead positions for Black people and POC.

Sometimes, I am frustrated at my lack of being seen as a peer at work. This week, instead of breaking my head trying to figure out yet another strategy for not being walked all over, I felt like I needed to speak up. This is unlike me and my people-pleasing non-confrontational self, but I realize that the change needs to begin within us. We have to stop asking for a seat at the table and start expecting it. I drafted an email outlining my thoughts, but it gave me so much anxiety and sleepless nights that I never hit send, and even stopped editing and drafting and burying myself in my regular work. On the other hand, painful reminders of my plight are bombarding me everyday and it is difficult to ignore. But the seeds have been planted, my thoughts are getting organized, and if and when I am ready, I can choose to hit "Send".

As a non-Black POC I am not claiming to empathize with the plight of the Black community. I can only relate to some extent on experiencing racism because of my brown skin, and to having privilege over other groups in my race on account of my background and upbringing in India. Two sides of the coin, so to speak.

Recently, I read about a race-motivated incident in my neighborhood. My husband was disturbed by it, but as for me? I was not terribly surprised and just felt it is another of those situations that we need to map out beforehand how we would respond if we're ever faced with it. It was another family like mine where the woman was Indian (I think) and the man was white. Apparently he got harassed on the street with racist comments. There was an outpouring of support for this family, which was good. But it bothered me that people instantly "approved of" this family where the man happened to be white. No one said "did you do something to provoke this?" and "there are two sides to every story" like they do with other race-motivated attacks. A few were quick to dismiss the racist guy as "mentally ill". 

It is frustrating, but at the same time, as more of these incidents come to light, I hope we start making steps towards progress. 

I am really tired of the people to whom this is all new and who are trying to be showboat allies. I've faced permanent consequences of my race in my life and career and people think they can just wake up one day and show compassion. No, I don't need you to chaperone me in my own neighborhood. I need workplaces to treat us all fairly. We need complete and total police reform - a rip and replace. It's made me very emotional to read about these dads that are being taken from their families and to to have people still clinging to their own misguided beliefs.

On to resources and responses that I could resonate with:

We had an inspiring guest speaker speak to us recently: Bryan Stevenson. He is a prominent American civil rights attorney and has written a best-selling book called “Just Mercy”. In this memoir, he talks about how he appealed the case of Walter McMillian, an African American who was wrongfully convicted and sentenced on a murder charge. There is also a film made about it and it is available for free in the month of June: https://www.justmercyfilm.com/https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7MxXxFu6fI

A few world leaders (Trudeau, Merkel) have talked about how racism exists in their own countries and I think people the world over are making small steps towards a better society.

I liked Ben and Jerry’s statement. While many companies are only now saying “We stand with our Black employees”, Ben and Jerry’s is way ahead of the game and essentially saying “We gotta smash white supremacy”:

https://www.benjerry.com/about-us/media-center/dismantle-white-supremacy

(Eat all their icecream...)

The younger generation seem to be working for a more equitable future. 

The changes are beginning with awareness and education. Let's see how they go with action. I wonder if more people like Alexis Ohanian will step aside to make room for POC. 

I look at my daughter, and I feel this intense anguish at what she might have to go through in life because of her race. I have hope though that our kids' lives will be better than ours. And to all those people reminiscing fondly about their childhoods and how things used to be so much better - no, they really did not. There was discrimination, hate, sexism, homophobia and racism that ran rampant. Every day and every year we are getting just a little better in our society and I hope that we are able to overcome these problems eventually.

Finding my voice

Shoegazing Days is one year old! This is a milestone for me and I'm so happy that I have been able to write this long. It has helped me in the quest to find my voice and speak up, even if it is on a relatively obscure blog such as this one (there I go self deprecating again). Anyway, I hope any of you reading along will join in this celebration with me.

I’ve always been caught up in a dichotomy between speaking up and staying quiet. I can justify both of these choices with surprising ease. I’ve been through the back and forth constantly in my mind for decades!

Regarding speaking up – I tend to think things through a lot and often land somewhere with a strong opinion. I do a lot of reading online and am quite passionate about things like equity for all and have always been. But I tend to appear mild-tempered and neutral on the outside. As we know, neutral is not good when there’s a clear right and wrong. I need to speak up more with my goal of self-expression this year and find my voice.

Regarding staying quiet – this is where my anxiety comes in. I’ve always had a lot of anxiety and speaking up takes up mental energy, especially if it involves standing up against an injustice. This is both draining and contributes to some negative energy or karma coming my way (in my mind). It causes anxiety to rear its ugly head, and make me wonder about what might happen as a result of all of speaking up and if I was better off keeping quiet. I’ve often deliberated if something was worth ruffling feathers and a lot of these feelings are rooted in a lack of confidence and insecurity.

To clarify, I’ve always been able to express myself with ease when it is about something technical or travel-related, for example. It’s the personal and creative expression, and whether to share my opinion or not that are the problem for me.

I know the answer to all of this is: “Moderation, I say” (my late grandfather's wise words), and landing somewhere in between. But it is also a sliding scale and I want to push my limits just a little further over time, as I become more confident in expressing my views and more hardened to criticism. I talk about it often with my husband and realized that staying silent definitely isn’t compatible with where I want to be. I think that expressing myself and learning to do so with ease definitely brings growth.

Another revelation is that those of us who find our voice after struggling to do so, tend to be very strong and relatable when we finally “come out”.

With public speaking: Back when I was 16 and in pre-university college, I stuttered through an embarrassing “declamation” in front of a group of students amongst whom I was definitely a misfit. It made me hide in my corner for years when it came to public speaking and get very nervous when it became a part of my job years later. But now, after doing it for a decade and with global audiences big and small on a wide range of topics, I don’t fear it beyond the usual normal nerves before a big talk. I went through a coaching session and my main takeaway was that I am fine. A lot of public speaking is also about being able to relate to people, and I find that I can do this well. Making eye contact and speaking directly to people is something that comes naturally to me. Yet, people who know me for a short while do not believe that I've traveled the world and have been invited to speak at conferences from all across Europe to Australia to Latin America! (I live in the US). When I feel nervous, I have to remind myself firstly that it is normal, and secondly that I've conducted week-long trainings, done video recordings, and have even stood up in front of a roomful of 300 attendees that paid to attend a session I was presenting for two whole hours! It wasn't a small feat since the person who created the technology I was presenting was actually at the back of the room and watching me present, and I didn't bomb it after all. On the contrary, there was a picture of me in action taken and a tweet that went out about it (wish I could find it now). It was intimidating for sure, and I don't want to downplay the mess I would be in for weeks before an event (and even after, because of those damn scores). But I still went and stood up on stage and and spoke while being projected across wall panels and answering questions while pacing the hall and I came out of it relatively unscathed. That's a win in my book.

With writing: I am the same person who wrote an essay for my English exam in 8th standard and had the English teacher approach me to write for the school magazine. I was sure she’d forget about it and just avoided eye contact all year long. It took her complaining about me to my mom at the parent-teacher conference and my mom forcing me to write it for me to actually do so. After it was published, I hid the magazine from my cousins and other family members because I was so embarrassed about my writing. Well, it’s only taken two decades and writing a few journal papers, a thesis and a dozen publications for me to realize that writing and posting my views is something I’m okay with.

With singing: We used to have singing class in school and an annual exam where we had to follow the teacher by sitting next to her as she played the piano while we sang back the notes to her. After one exam, my teacher yelled at me “Why aren’t you in the choir?”. I waited a whole year for her to repeat that statement, and then nervously went for an audition. I sang in the choir for four years but made sure to blend in and not stand out. The same thing happened in college where a band member seeked me out after I sang in a college competition to audition for a band. After singing in a band for years in front of even a cricket stadium of 22000 and having a CD released, I finally accepted that I could “sing”. I was often pushed aside since I lacked the attitude that involved dominating the room while I was singing: lovely voice but not confident enough was a common criticism. Then, when I was in Houston, I was in this weird mental space where I was able to take the initiative to join the choir but lacked the confidence to stand out yet again. This choir was made up of confident white Americans  with good voices and talented Black Americans with voices from heaven and I was the only immigrant and only brown person, oh I just wanted to hide in a corner and sing. But because I was short in stature and an alto, I suffered through the first row in the choir for two years. I'd look down and see my old worn out shoes that I didn't have the money to replace and see the girl next to me who wore "fancy flip flops with pedicured nails" (yes, that's a thing in Texas) and wish that the ground would swallow me up.

About a year back when shoegaze spoke to me, I realized that this was the missing piece all along. Why did I let myself be bullied into singing Shania Twain for years in the band when 1. I couldn't and cannot stand country music 2. That singing style and attitude is just not me ? I listen to shoegaze and notice the artists getting lost in the music. I watch Rachel (of Slowdive) putting herself on video and she's just herself - no makeup, no fancy attitude, just a normal person. And it is so attractive, and they are so talented! Yes I know, Bowie is the opposite, but his showmanship was very unique and characteristic and that is amazing – he was being his authentic self - not like all of those myriad hard rock bands that do the same song and dance as one another on stage.

Now that I'm finding my voice, I'll try to be more candid and outspoken in my future posts.