A year older

My birthday is coming up in a few days. I thought I'd get ahead of the curve (ooh wrong word choice, let's not use that word anymore) by writing about my thoughts and goals and getting that out of the way.

One thing that stands out for me is that it is the five year mark. Five years since our world completely changed - getting pregnant and having kids, having my career go through its worst slump, getting to adult even more by taking on a mortgage, lots of health anxieties and sadness (I don't want to write about this), plenty of emotional growth and starting my life with kids. All of a sudden, it feels like I got a family. And now what?

I think the time of being in the fog is over. The heavy lifting or the hard work of physically taking care of young babies is done. Learning to juggle work and home has already faced its initial hiccups. Now is the time for me to actually figure out how to steer this ship and where to sail to. It also is significant that we are in a time of crisis. Aside from the anguish that crisis causes, it also brings about change.

I already have goals and plans in place so I don't want to set myself even more goals. I just want to acknowledge where I am in this process and watch myself move towards this balance. I need to remind myself that I am doing enough. I am doing well. I am aware of what I am missing and working on fixing it. I am open to feedback and changing my course. I am learning self assurance without getting over confident. I am learning to be grateful for things big and small.

With family - I am doing well enough. I think by nature we put our families front and center, and do whatever it takes to get them taken care of.

With work - this is where I often have doubts. I am not able to be as productive as I want to be, and a lot of this is due to falling into this vicious cycle of not being recognized, not being valued and therefore making it a self-fulfilling prophecy to not be valuable. I am working to break this cycle and learn and grow. But I have to often remind myself that all those things I used to be able to do - I can still do them. They are enough and what's more - they are extremely valuable skills. The potential is there. And if I had moved too fast too soon I would have burnt out. I am actually thankful that I could slow down and savor these past few years with family.

With lifestyle - I have come a long way in taking care of my health and emotional growth. I am very proud of all the things I have done in this area.

My birthday celebrations are planned to include a dairy-free cake that I will be baking (and am looking forward to eating), wearing a new outfit I bought in India last month, and eating a nice meal of Thai curry and rice made by my husband. My gift was something I asked for and already received from my husband - a Jade Harmony yoga mat. I am so excited about this gift and it motivates me to do my daily practice and to be assured that I am using the best quality mat for it. I would also love to be able to do a family walk together. It remains to be seen how I spend my day.

Here's to the last year of my current decade!

Another day, another year

Today is a new day, and I am trying to be more positive and to stay inside our bubble a little bit.

Tomorrow (the 25th of March) is the festival of Ugadi which marks the new year for us. With my anxiety, I don't like to say the usual phrases of hope for a new year out loud, because it is just another day and another step forward to me. But I like to mark the occasion and note it down since it is like finishing a chapter of a book or drawing a line at the end of a writing exercise, and turning the page and starting afresh. There's also an element of curiosity about what the new page has to offer.

I feel like as a blogger, I am expected to write a detailed post about the significance of Ugadi and its traditions, along with all the decorations and special treats I prepared with a few beautiful pictures to give my dear readers a bit of a cultural introduction to the festival. But I will just leave you with the Wikipedia entry, which I didn't even bother to read myself. Because, lazy. And also a bit cynical as you can probably tell :)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ugadi

Ugadi to me is greeting my family members. Maybe wearing new clothes while I was growing up, and looking forward to a fresh start. A few traditional delicacies to enjoy and a puja were a key part of the day. In my home and especially in the current circumstances, it is going to involve lighting my lamps (a ritual that I enjoy), playing a devotional song and wishing my family. Oh, and I will eat only vegetarian food on this day.

Side note: On that thought, I am grappling with the idea of giving up all meat. I am so conflicted since I feel hypocritical to criticize certain meats while consuming others (chicken/eggs in my case). But I think I am headed in the right direction and will eventually get to the place I want to be with respect to my diet.

Just like at the beginning of the calendar year I looked at some of my goals, I would like to reflect on my goals today.

My new year goals of self expression are going quite alright. I don't seem to have the hesitation of sharing my thoughts that I used to have before. Writing and posting comes far more easily and naturally. I am quite satisfied with my WordPress site and its progress. I do need to work on rambling less and being more clear with my writing.

I could do more on the network programmability aspect and learning and sharing content there. But our work life balance has been through the ringer these past few weeks. I think the main thing is to keep the important balls rolling with work. I would like to further these goals however, since it frustrates me to think of myself as one of those people who switch from one task to another and keep taking on new ventures without following through on anything.

I realized that I am never going to be one of those social (media) butterflies, and I am okay with that.
I am hopeful that our work will start to see our worth not just by our self promotion on social media, but more by what we can actually contribute. I would like to work in an environment that draws out my potential again.

Well, that was a welcome digression from the usual thoughts and worries of our current situation. Now to get to my goals for the Ugadi new year:

- Embrace the lifestyle of working from home and being with kids: this is what I wanted. I've always wanted to spend my days with my kids and to work on something I'm passionate about and I have a chance at both. I realized that my area of work is very important, and my current project excites me. In a way, it's exactly what I was wishing for.

- Enjoy the fact that my way of living is the way of living currently - I like to remain (mostly) my natural self when it comes to my beauty routine. A few things that I never really invested the time in - hair coloring, manicures and pedicures, clothes and make up. All of that isn't relevant at this time. The things that I do like to work on for my appearance are still possible to do while staying at home - things like epsom salt foot soaks, drinking hot water with lemon in the morning, lavender oil baths, eating healthy, going for walks, yoga and meditation, sunlight in the morning sun, etc. You know, those annoying common sense things which you read about in health journals when you're looking for that miracle cure for your acne or whatever... I actually like doing them!

- Discipline : this whole thing of managing our work, kids and the home at this time can only be done with real discipline. I want to start with little habits and make them big ones so that I can continue to knock things off my to-do list (I'm looking at you, Network Programmability)

- Get baby to STTN: That stands for "sleep through the night" if you're not familiar with lingo in parenting forums. For the past five years, I've either been pregnant or breastfeeding at all times. I would like to continue with breastfeeding (though I'm currently going through some rather annoying challenges) for another year. But, I am ready to be done with night feedings and night wakings. I really want to cut the cord from sleeping with the baby and feeding at night. I will have to enlist my husband's help for this, most likely. But maybe STTN will bring in a new "me" if I am able to get back into my own (kid-free for the most part) bed, and get a chunk of sleep at night. I haven't had more than a five hour stretch in years, and on average it's two to three hours that I sleep at a time.

- Get to a healthy body weight : I've lost a ton of weight this past year. I now weigh 17 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight five years ago. I enjoy not having to worry about my weight, but I want to be sure that I am getting enough calories and that my body is strong (something about losing weight and feeling weak and tired isn't a good combination). I also know that I will gain back some weight when I stop breastfeeding and I worry that it will be a lot. So I want to make sure that I have my exercise and eating habits down, and I am already well on my way there.

I think that's about it for this Ugadi. I am looking forward to lighting my lamps tomorrow.

Honesty

This is my space where I can honestly and earnestly share my state of mind.

Honestly? I am terrified. We are hearing of people in our community being affected by Covid and passing. It is hitting really close to home. How is the trajectory going to go? Why did it get this bad?

How much of a lee way will we get with our work? How long before our employers come cracking down with job cuts or whatever lies ahead of us? Add that to our financial worries.

I am worried for everyone I know including my family and am just not able to get on board with the quarantine vacationers. You know, the social media portrayed version of it. The same people who post statistics and research about social distancing and then go out to parks and beaches and are oh-so-thrilled that they found their deserted and secluded beautiful spots. Yes, the whole lot of us would love to enjoy them as well but we are staying put at home, which is probably why some (not all) of these spots appear to be secluded. Besides, how many crowded beach areas and parking lots did they drive through to find those few minutes of seclusion that is appropriate for social media bragging posting? Weren't those just carefully chosen pictures that made sure there were no other people in the frame? These sorts of things tempt more people to attempt the same.

I wish people would learn to truly stay at home. Not go out every other day to the store to pick up an "essential" item. Not go out to county parks and hike and run and visit beaches. I am sure this is adding to the exposure at gas stations when these people have to fill up, and maybe use a public restroom or make a stop for food at a different location on the way. What happens if they have car trouble along the way, and have to call for roadside assistance and engage mechanic services for a trip that was recreational to begin with and not classified as an essential activity? And of course "shelter in place" in Santa Clara county does not mean "go to the beach in Santa Cruz county" - I thought this was pretty clear as well.

There are also those that think that staying at home with a family member or friend for a week is sheltering in place, and it is not. I also hear of parents who think it's society's problem to keep their kids entertained or to enable their fitness activities that they "need" for their sanity. Let's really take a close look at what our needs and wants are, though. I am well aware of the fact that running and hiking are a lot of people's exercise routines and a way to stay healthy and positive. I am not minimizing mental health and the need to take care of it. This just doesn't seem to be the way to do it during these difficult times. I think many of these people can stay bored (and quiet) at home and be okay mentally. We have to try to take care of our mental health at home in other ways, and use these outings really as last resorts for the few who really need them. For those who really need the outlet of being outdoors a lot for their mental health, unfortunately we are between a rock and a hard place. The more disciplined we are now, the more chance we have to be able to do those things again.

But even putting all of this aside, I don't know if anything we do is really enough since so much of it is up to chance.

I am worried, and don't really feel the positivity from all those community movements such as "Holiday lights in March", sidewalk chalk messages, window artwork, and all of those cutesy art and creative projects people do at home.

Just please, I hope our authorities are able to get all the supplies together. I hope the healthcare workers are safe and that researchers are able to find a vaccine and a cure. I hope we can get through the day to day and take care of our mental health.

These are dark days, and I am feeling down.

Mental health

This is a term that we are now seeing used more often. As people settle into their shelter-in-place lifestyles and work from home with kids at home, it wears on everyone’s sanity. The bay area weather is not helping either with cold rainy days.

As someone with health anxiety and germaphobia, this is a time that can take a toll on my mental health. However, there is also an element of familiarity to it all. There is that phrase “the known devil is better than the unknown angel”. While I don’t think I can use the word “better” in these trying times, I know that this is also an area that I know how to deal with.

I am applying the same methods I use for my health anxiety to this crisis. The germaphobia made sure that I was following all the hygiene, sanitizing and social distancing practices anyway. The difference is that now everyone else is too. Not much has changed in that aspect for me. The health anxiety is always there in the background or foreground, and I have methods to deal with it. However, in addition to all the other health worries, this is a new and big one added on top of it all.

Here is what I am doing and seeing how it will play out.

-       Setting small and large goals. First goal was to get through day 1 of shelter in place and we did that. It did not come easily but it’s done. Now to get through to the work week – i.e. until Friday afternoon. Our work may spill over into the weekend but that’s ok, at least there will not be the pressure of conference calls. After we get to the weekend, we will set our sights on the next week, and so on.

-       Yoga at home every day – this is a must for me and I do home videos for half an hour every day using Yoga with Adriene

-       Meditation – I use Headspace for a 5 min or 10 min meditation

-       Write my gratitude journal and affirmations

-       Write a blog post ever so often

-       Check on our finances and make some progress in learning about investments and mortgages

-       Check off small items on my work list and learn new topics when I can

-       Walk in the neighborhood

-       Try to remain dairy-free but not sweating it – it’s better to eat dairy than to make a trip to the grocery now for a dairy-free item for sure (although I am well stocked for now)

-       Plan to use groceries we have at home for the next two weeks and avoid going to the store

-       Plan to bake a cake sometime

-       Sleep whenever we can

-       Walk in the garden barefoot on the grass, hug trees and spend time around the plants in our garden, get sunlight on our bodies for about 10 minutes

-       Enjoy family time

-       Not read the news until noon every day and try to stay informed but not consumed by the news.

-       Dedicate a portion of time for financial news and worry and put it away afterwards

-       Accept that this is a very stressful time and that we will not be able to do everything we planned

-       Trying to keep my mind open to creative ideas and solutions to long term problems coming in during this time

Pandemic planning

I write this as an introvert, as someone who suffers from health anxiety, and as a germaphobe. All of those things were once seen as negative qualities and it sounds like I'm adding them as disclaimers. But they are actually my strength in these times. They are the very qualities that enable me to make the sensible and responsible choices required of us, with relative ease.

I can understand that it's hard for many to practice social isolation. It is probably hard for me too. But I believe very strongly that it is the missing piece to the puzzle and must be dealt with.

My family of four has been staying home since the beginning of this week. We are diligent hand washers and are very germ-conscious in any case. We double down during flu season, and not much has changed with our hygiene practices, to be honest. We have our own methods of social distancing and are now practicing them more aggressively.

I am wary of most indoor activities and gatherings during the winter. I dread every one that we go to a little bit, hoping that no one falls ill after them. I am actually relieved that more people are staying home now, and that the mass spread of germs is being contained to an extent. However the reason for them staying home is what is worrisome, and is looming over all of us: the rapid spread and severity of the coronavirus.

I am very concerned. Our county in the South Bay area has experienced a high community spread of the virus. We have to accept that we are being exposed to it everywhere we go. Grocery trips fill me with dread because we are exposing ourselves. I also feel that the advice against masks is misguided to an extent. If the virus lingers in the air, and we breathe in the same air hours later (after the infected person has long left the area), we still have a high chance of contracting it. Shouldn't a regular mask help to an extent? But we don't have any and are not looking to buy them now, since they are reserved for health care workers.

I wish schools would close already. And that people would stop going out. That trips can be cancelled. And family gatherings avoided. I wish all of this is implemented right away, and that within a month we are able to halt the spread.

We are worried about our parents who live overseas, their health issues and risks, and also travel restrictions and quarantines that may affect them or us. I am also skeptical that this is not of high risk to children. Since so much about this disease is unknown, how can medical professionals make this claim so confidently? What about the mid to long term ramifications of contracting the illness? Wouldn't it make sense to pull out all the stops to prevent children from being infected too? They have their whole lives ahead of them and need to be healthy through their developing years. And why aren't we more concerned about the misery that children and their caregivers go through if they do get sick? I strongly believe that we should accept all inconveniences before getting sick rather than after.

I still enjoy going out for walks in our neighborhood. The weather is very pleasant. I believe that getting lots of sunlight, fresh air and outdoor time is beneficial to our health and mental wellbeing. It helps us with our stress levels and to get well-rested sleep at night. The exercise itself is also a boost to our immune systems.  However, if even that is not advisable going forward, we will comply and try to get our fill of outdoor time in our backyard. Backyard time is important in any case. I like to sun myself for 10-15 minutes a day, walk barefoot on the grass, touch and put my arms around tree barks, and spend time around all the plants. I find it therapeutic and filled with positive energy. I also believe that "grounding" helps to remove the negative energy. Call me new-age or whatever; it works for me!

I sound privileged since we can work from home and our kids are young enough to stay home, but I have my own worries. I worry about the health of all of us. The health of our extended family. I have significant financial worries and job-related worries. I worry about our healthcare system breaking down. About the world around us and the economy. Our community. They are all pretty significant and are weighing on my mind.

Signing out..

A few priceless moments

All of us go through mental conflict regarding various things. Sometimes, it is a matter of convenience versus ethics. Sometimes it boils down to picking our battles, and we have to decide whether certain things are worth voicing our opinions about. And often, we spend a lot of time going back and forth in our minds about how to tackle an annoyance or disturbance in our lives.

There's been a lot on my mind lately, and the overarching themes over the past few years have been health (self and family) and career, with finances tied in to the latter. That does not mean that I am not allowed to let other things bother me along the way. Yes, in the larger scheme of things, these minor annoyances are not important. But they seem to fester and linger and build up over time and we need to face them at some point as well. Because ultimately, we do not want them to affect the big things we care about.

Recently I came across some PR articles about women at my job. This is something that I have a lot of opinions on. While my opinions may be relatable, they are also unpopular. My company featured spotlights on a few women employees for International Womens' Day. This is good because there needs to be equal pay, equal rights and a lot more done to promote a healthy working environment. What is absolutely not ok is the women they are featuring. They are mere spokespersons and yes-women who are positive press for the company, and are clueless about doing actual work and the struggles faced in the job world, because they have had it easy. So easy.

Let's stop for a moment. This is when those that criticize stuff like this get chastised themselves. "Damned if you do, damned if you don't". "You can't please everybody". "Sour grapes". "Resentful, much?". "Women are women's worst enemies". "Shouldn't you all be supportive of one another?". "What does this woman have stuck up her a**?" "Haters gonna hate". You get the drift..

Well, this rant is not against the women that are being featured. I might not like them, but that's besides the point. It is really the system I am against, not the individuals. I might think they are free riders and full of fluff, but it is not them I resent the most. It is the employer that values them. The PR that picks these women who've had it easy, and further enables them. The superior attitude that is then exhibited by them and the rest of the establishment. The recent feature for example was of someone who was in the company for less than two years (with two separate stints in a short time), taking full advantage of the "system" and milking it, and whose method of giving back was to be all praise about the company. When the going gets tough, these employees are gone. Why do we reward these behaviors? Why is it taboo to speak out against it? And most importantly, how can we get our voice heard and keep it real for a moment? I suppose the onus is on us to stop hiding behind our anonymity in obscure blogs and to speak up. So that's what I'll do in my own little way, continuing to plod on cautiously in all other areas. But I did want to say my piece so it's at least out there in the inter-webs and not eating at me on the inside.

Before I end, I want to say a few positive things. This is what makes me really proud, happy and thankful to be a woman, a networking professional and a productive member of society. Yesterday, when we were goofing around on the bed, my daughter remarked "Mama, you have best. You really have best, Mama!". I asked her what she meant. She said "I mean, you're the best mama. Even when you're sick, you're always doing something. The best!" Wow, do I need any external accolades from anyone at all, after that testimony? I wish I had it easier in my career (by far), but I wouldn't trade places with those other people for the world. This morning, I received a second testimony from my husband, who was overjoyed to see me and for me just being there. And later in the day, my son heard my voice from across the room and bellowed a deafening "MAMA!" as he dropped his toys and ran at full speed towards me into my arms. I feel so empowered. So cherished. That I am worht so much more than I imagined. And so much a woman.

Now, just because my family validates me does not mean I should settle for less in my career. It does not have to be one or the other. I believe that I have lurking hidden potential to rise in my career. I am just not sure about how, when, and where I will be able to do it. All I need to do at this point is to keep that faith, and keep working on moving forward remembering that every little bit counts. I do want to make the cut professionally. If not for anything else, my ambition and determination combined with my patience and endurance could help me get there. While I might feel that everyone else around me has it easier than I do with their professional advancement, I still do not want to trade places with them. I do believe that I have something of value that is hard to find, and that some employer somewhere is seeking that. I am also self-aware enough to recognize what I am missing, and to have a plan to bridge that gap.

With that, I wish you all a very Happy International Women's Day! I hope all women the world over get to experience this amazing feeling of being cherished. To real women, across the world! Let's band together, shrug off the noise, speak up about what's important, and keep working on building ourselves up.

March Madness

It's already March and we are starting to see signs of spring with the flowers in full bloom in our area. I haven't been posting to the blog because I was traveling last month, and also because I started posting to a separate WordPress family site in the past month.

I did want to come back and write here, because it's mostly anonymous and I can express myself as much as I want to here. I find that writing to this blog is therapeutic in a way. I also continue to journal, but this is more of a gratitude log which I have wanted to maintain.

So, how have I been these past few weeks? It's been a whirlwind of events, ups and downs and a lot of balls in the air. Our travel was difficult to plan and manage but it ended up great. All of us had a blast and we spent a lot of quality time with our friends and family. My husband has had a rough go these past few weeks with a health scare. I think (and hope) he will feel better soon since some of his tests came back normal. We are so relieved with this that it's all we think about and we cannot really process much else yet.

My dairy-free journey continues. When we were in India, I met a few relatives who turned vegan and it was nice to share stories. I think I am heading towards a largely vegan diet and that will help me feel my best. However, I don't want to change too much too soon, since I am losing weight at the moment and want to make sure I am getting enough protein and calories. However, I know that any little bit helps when it comes to animal welfare, and I will continue to be aware when it comes to my diet.

My time in India was spent in family visits, coordinating among the various people we had to meet and planning my stay there, taking care of the children of course, and a few trips to the tailor to alter my clothes.

Now that we are back, we are settling in and cautiously planning our spring activities. I am not sure how much we will get to do and what we will want to do with the virus spread in our area. I am someone who believes in quarantines as much as possible and in following all precautions, so that is what we will do and hope we can stay healthy and that the outbreak is over soon. Aside from the news about the coronavirus, there is more turbulence in the world around us. Stock prices and worries about the economy as well the election are all taking up prime space on news headlines and are on all of our minds. Our work is also going through many organizational changes, adding to the air of uncertainty around us.

My next goal is to get organized in the home and focused at work and continue on my two tracks - work on my health with yoga, exercise and diet, and on my career with network programmability and self-expression to come out as a leader. I did get started a bit with Instagram for the latter goal. But it takes up so much time, and I feel as if I am just continually getting side-tracked and not accomplishing anything of consequence through it all. I have tons of lofty goals, and on most days it seems like I just get through the motions with my family. I feel like I want to start achieving more, but I am physically and mentally still not in a position to do so. I just feel very scattered. Hopefully, I can wade through the March madness and find my center again and get back on course.

Silhouettes and shadows
Watch the revolution
No more free steps to heaven
It's no game
It's No Game - David Bowie