A year older

My birthday is coming up in a few days. I thought I'd get ahead of the curve (ooh wrong word choice, let's not use that word anymore) by writing about my thoughts and goals and getting that out of the way.

One thing that stands out for me is that it is the five year mark. Five years since our world completely changed - getting pregnant and having kids, having my career go through its worst slump, getting to adult even more by taking on a mortgage, lots of health anxieties and sadness (I don't want to write about this), plenty of emotional growth and starting my life with kids. All of a sudden, it feels like I got a family. And now what?

I think the time of being in the fog is over. The heavy lifting or the hard work of physically taking care of young babies is done. Learning to juggle work and home has already faced its initial hiccups. Now is the time for me to actually figure out how to steer this ship and where to sail to. It also is significant that we are in a time of crisis. Aside from the anguish that crisis causes, it also brings about change.

I already have goals and plans in place so I don't want to set myself even more goals. I just want to acknowledge where I am in this process and watch myself move towards this balance. I need to remind myself that I am doing enough. I am doing well. I am aware of what I am missing and working on fixing it. I am open to feedback and changing my course. I am learning self assurance without getting over confident. I am learning to be grateful for things big and small.

With family - I am doing well enough. I think by nature we put our families front and center, and do whatever it takes to get them taken care of.

With work - this is where I often have doubts. I am not able to be as productive as I want to be, and a lot of this is due to falling into this vicious cycle of not being recognized, not being valued and therefore making it a self-fulfilling prophecy to not be valuable. I am working to break this cycle and learn and grow. But I have to often remind myself that all those things I used to be able to do - I can still do them. They are enough and what's more - they are extremely valuable skills. The potential is there. And if I had moved too fast too soon I would have burnt out. I am actually thankful that I could slow down and savor these past few years with family.

With lifestyle - I have come a long way in taking care of my health and emotional growth. I am very proud of all the things I have done in this area.

My birthday celebrations are planned to include a dairy-free cake that I will be baking (and am looking forward to eating), wearing a new outfit I bought in India last month, and eating a nice meal of Thai curry and rice made by my husband. My gift was something I asked for and already received from my husband - a Jade Harmony yoga mat. I am so excited about this gift and it motivates me to do my daily practice and to be assured that I am using the best quality mat for it. I would also love to be able to do a family walk together. It remains to be seen how I spend my day.

Here's to the last year of my current decade!