Train wreck

This is going to be a raw and possibly painful entry. After a rough week (at work) and weekend (at home), I have had to do some self reflection. I have realized that I am probably not all that I have pumped myself out to be. Maybe there is a gap in the way I see what I have accomplished versus the impact it actually has. I also somewhat tolerate being treated poorly. This is because almost as a pattern, every time I rise up to the occasion and stand up for myself in strong terms, it bites me in the ass. 

All of this could be attributed to me walking around in the fog of sleep deprivation and my past image of who I used to be. I am too tired to fight but at the same time I am not a pushover or doormat by any means - I still do actually end up standing up for myself. It is just not all the time or in-your-face. I am not sure how to break this pattern, so I often give in to keep the peace. But with this attitude, I do not make real progress.

So, with being treated very poorly at work and therefore not giving my best either in return, I have searched and searched for answers. All the moral talk and self-help wisdom would scream at me "It's your own fault", "accept responsibility", "you are the maker of your own destiny", "you can be anything you want to be", "you teach people how to treat you", and more. While all true and I acknowledge my part in my situation, there are glaring gaps in this analysis. It does not recognize finer nuances in relationships, ups and downs in life, good and bad periods in your life (which are inevitable) and self growth and self preservation along the way.

I also allow myself to be treated as less-than in my personal relationships. This comes from the line of thinking that "it could be worse", "do not invite negative energy with conflict" and "what if I am not all that I have made myself out to be". Better to keep a low profile and stay on the down low isn't it? Well, it is not. Because, you see, the problem is that I am a highly ambitious person. This attitude works for the lot that are content with where they are. I can be content but I am also hungry to be more, to do more and to utilize my knowledge, intelligence and capability (we all have this to varying extents) to their fullest. And then some. How do I reconcile flip-flopping between wanting to BE somebody, and then retreating passively into my shell?

As you can imagine, this leaves me torn apart internally. How do I do all of the below?

   - Acknowledge my strengths in no uncertain terms while being realistic about my weaknesses.
   - Stop being an enabler and teach people to treat me with respect.
   - Rise up to the challenge and take the lead, the drivers seat, if you will.
   - Be a pillar of support for my loved ones.
   - Be a beacon of positive energy for myself and others.
   - Not take things for granted and be very grateful for all the abundance in my life.
   - Learn at a feverish pace, and learn all the things!

Well, if you thought this post has the answers, I have to warn you that it does not. Self-awareness is the first step and that is where I am. I thought I was on a journey to brighter days, but in many ways I am on a train hurtling on towards Rockbottomville - my career, personal life, health, finances and mental well-being are all on shaky ground. I find that with my blogging, daily journaling, reading, enjoying music and outdoor activities, I am surprisingly upbeat for someone that’s riding this train. Oh well, I suppose time will tell how this plays out. In the meantime I will just be grateful that at this moment, I am okay (touch wood). And hopefully do the required things to get on the right track (pun intended).

Well the pistons keep on turning

And the wheels go round and round

The steel rails are cold and hard

For the miles that they go down

Without love, where would you be right now

When the big train run

When the train is movin' on I got to keep on movin'

Keep on movin'

Won't you keep on movin'?

Gonna keep on movin'

- Long train running by Doobie Brothers

This is the tale of the tiny snail

This is the tale of a tiny snail, and a great big grey-blue humpback whale…

I keep recalling this story that we used to read to my daughter. Aside from being a very sweet story with almost a musical ring to it, it is also symbolic in its own way. The tiny snail dreams of big adventures and far-away lands, riding off into the world on the back of a humpback whale. Eventually, he is able to save the whale by being his own tiny resourceful self.

My daughter enjoyed the story, and I also enjoyed reading it to her. While going through the ups and downs of life, some of our daily routines with kids keep us grounded and keep us going.

I sometimes envision myself as one of the characters in her stories or try to draw inspiration from these children’s books. I have been told that I tend to overthink things. But I see it as a good thing to be introspective, because it is the first step to growth. I like going off into my own fantasy world with these stories, sometimes being drawn back to worldly things by their morals and reflecting within.

As I have realized, I have always been introspective by nature. From a young age, I used to be lost in my own fantasy world, being characters in far off lands and playing out their daily lives. These stories used to be very detailed to the point that I would be able to feel the emotions in them. I used to modify and adapt these characters over the years. I really enjoyed my own personal world and had vowed never to share it with the world. At some level, I was using this parallel life to fill gaps in my real-world life, and to be the person I longed to be.

I can now understand that this was both a positive and a negative thing. It was positive because it shows that I am a creative person who can dream up stories and keep them going, interweaving complexities and different experiences into them. Having an active imagination along with a mind that works a mile a minute can open up endless possibilities. (“like what?”, says the voice of self-doubt but we will put him/her aside for a bit). On the negative side, my fantasy world reflected a deep-seeded insecurity that I had at the time. I felt that my real self was just a shadow of a person, and fantasy-me allowed me to fully spread my wings. I now realize that there is a balance to be found between being confident and at peace with who we are, while at the same time striving for growth.

"The sea is deep and the world is wide!

How I long to sail!",

Said the tiny snail.

-  The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson