My big news is that I published my first technical blog on my company website. It's been a huge effort for me, and has been enjoyable, exciting, anxiety-inducing at times, and a learning experience, but it went off very well. I received a ton of visibility with over 2500 views from people in different companies. It's been great to be appreciated by people I don't even know.
Now to get to the revelations
1. I've still got it. I have to brush up on a lot of technical skills, but I can do it, and be good and even better than the average out there.
2. I got a comment that my article was VERY well written and technically great, and it is rare to have a strong combination of the two. The good news that the experts in this technology only have a few years' head start than me. My overall technical background in my field is already strong. So I think that if I stick to this for a couple of years, I can become an expert in this particular area.
3. I felt excited and enthusiastic about work again and couldn't wait to get started each day. I have a plan for the next few months and a ton of stuff I can get done (if given the chance).
4. Many of the people I work with are truly creating a toxic work culture. I have to drown out the noise, and keep my focus. There is a lot of pettiness, drama and exclusive clubs that hold the reins and suppress all the others. My blog helped me to shine outside of this umbrella and they couldn't stop me (which they had succeeded in doing all these years, sadly).
5. I really don't want to engage in conflict with them or really give it too much headspace (I still struggle with this) because of all the negative karma that my anxiety convinces me that will bring. So I've been nothing but polite and deferential through this process to all of these people. But I think it is grinding their gears even more.
6. The racism and discrimination around me continues to bother me but I have to keep my focus and really shine, and then there will no choice but to appreciate me (by someone, anyone).
7. There's a lot of interesting stuff out there, and good people too. I've just been in this sad little bubble for so long, I lost sight of that.
8. I felt as if I was on mute all this while and am finding my voice again. Reading about racism and privilege these past few months has actually helped me feel validated and helped me refocus my efforts into my work, with a fire lit under me not just to shine but to dazzle.
9. I did my bit with the social media stuff - Twitter this time, and LinkedIn. It's ok, I can actually keep up with it and not get consumed by it. It's the sweet spot where you're not a nobody on social media and have a decent presence, but you're not someone with thousands of followers either, because that shows that you give it way too much importance and are on it a lot. So I suppose I'm cool like that ;)
10. The part that I struggle with is to dwell on things and people's opinions. To over-think and let it fester in my mind. I have to overcome a lifetime of being undermined, and anxiety about consequences both direct and indirect from speaking up. Part of me finding my voice is learning the skills to say my piece after giving it sufficient thought, and then turning the page rather than obsessing about it. Also to learn to accept dissenting voices and not to let it get to me. To master that skill of indifference when treated poorly by someone and moving on to people who matter. I'll take tips on this if anyone has suggestions.
On the home front, my baby turned two and that was our big milestone. His birthday was perfect with new clothes, toys, a splash pad and a cake that my daughter and I baked and my husband and I frosted. Yummy chocolate cake with Swiss meringue buttercream. It was moist, not too sweet and delectable! All of us enjoyed it. We had mini toasts to go along with it, with red pepper spread and black olive spread.
I'm so excited about all this learning and the progress I'm making, the collaborations I am fostering at work and for the path ahead. I hope I can keep my focus and they let me do my thing, even if they don't help me. Just let me do it please. Please and thank you.
That's July. We've still not been to see family or to the beach, we're staying home and kids are enjoying themselves.
I almost forgot - all of this focus and control has only been made possible because I started swimming again. I go thrice a week at 7 am to an outdoor pool in my neighborhood (3 min walk) with a reservation system for a lane so there are a max of 5 people on the property at a given time. It's been so great. I hope it stays safe and I can continue it. With that, I'll leave you with Breather from Chapterhouse and go back to my project! Fingers crossed.
Breather - Chapterhouse
Please me, make me happy
Breather, sleeper
Make me happy
Misty, crystal
Blister, eternal
Soft and liquid in the light
Secret otherworldly sight
Passing time in black and white
If only i could dream tonight
On my own
Teenage lessons set me right
Taught me how to dream tonight
Love me warm in cold daylight
Soft as skin and safe inside
Smother silky sin so fine
Make believe that you are mine
On my own
Tears and sorrow set me right
Taught me how to dream tonight
