I have had quite a lot of anxiety over the years and especially during the year 2018 (and a few months before and after). It was triggered by a series of health and family events. I've had an added layer of career related anxiety on top of it, or maybe even at the root of it like a counselor had once theorized. I've always been prone to bouts of anxiety but this past year has been all about identifying triggers, putting coping mechanisms into place, and finding ways to keep going and finding joy even while living with anxiety.
I think that the idea that helped me the most is that the goal is not to get rid of anxiety, but rather to find a way to manage it. This thought was freeing, since for those of us with anxiety we tend to go in an infinite loop - what if getting rid of anxiety is a bad thing? What if that anxiety is actually helping something? What if getting rid of it makes us overconfident and arrogant and invites negative incidents, and so on. But having it stop us from doing the things we need to do to succeed creates more anxiety since we remain in this uneasy inertia of stagnation. The idea of managing it is that we accept that it's around (almost like a familiar known face in our lives), that it serves some purpose (maybe keeping us humble, or grounded, or whatever) AND that it doesn't cause debilitating issues - that we can still lead a fulfilled, happy, successful, productive and well-rounded life. It also makes us more vulnerable and relatable as people, and empathy and caring are what humanity is all about.
I'm quite proud of the strides that I have made in the past year. I have managed to keep my kids home and also my career going. I have been able to support my spouse through a major career change. I have been able to reenter society and socializing to an extent. I have been able to get back into the swing of things with my job. This blog and a few other interests of mine (like music, yoga, swimming) have really helped me blossom. My situation hasn't really changed but I have. The anxiety is there too, underscoring everything, and often making me pause but at least I've been able to keep on moving (thankfully).
Now to get on to the question: how to live with anxiety, but also be positive? I'd like to be someone that invites positivity into our lives, sort of like the law of attraction. It's a fine balance. I find that when anxiety rears its ugly head, it helps me to vocalize it or verbalize it. I do that by confiding to my husband or writing it down (in my journal and sometimes in this blog). I acknowledge it and put it out in the open. And then I try to find something positive to think about and vocalize that as well. It helps me a great deal and I can do more of this (the positive ones) all the while never dismissing the anxiety when it comes, and overall I find myself in a better state of mind.
So at the moment, what am I anxious about?
- My job and stagnation in my career.
- How sometimes whatever I do at work seems to be a lost cause (not recognized)
- My husband's feeling down
- My kids and their health and behavior
- All of our health - general and Covid
- Our families' health
- Finances
- How other people get to me and live in my head and I'm not able to give them less headspace
- My struggle to express myself often when I have a dissenting opinion - related to self worth perhaps?
- Oh there's a lot more, but let's leave it with these top few
What are the things that excite me?
- Our trip to Half Moon Bay on Friday at dusk - seeing the ocean again, that gorgeous sunlight on the grey water, cloudy skies, slightly chill and foggy weather. My favorite beach weather. It crosses over into a transcendental realm for me. I am lost in this world, partly meditating and partly with music playing in my head. The air and mist around me puts me into a momentary state of bliss. I sometimes sense a wave of transformation and changed perspectives. Yes, this place is and has always been special to me. I didn't realize how much I had missed it when I was back there for the first time this year. Spontaneous trips sometimes turn out well.
- My success with blogging, network automation, finding my clan in the networking world that is outside the bubble of my team, and being seen. It's been great.
- Finding joy in my work. It's been so rewarding and exciting that I am hungry for more.
- My husband's support. When I told him that this space I'm working in is very crowded and there are hundreds of people who've been working in it for way longer than me, he replied: Yes, but if you start looking for quality work, you'll find there are very few.
That was reassuring, and also fired me up to focus on quality and not compromise on that when I am working on something new. It's not easy to stand out, we have to put in the work. But if we have the ability to come up with quality work, then that itself is something to feel fortunate about. Being able to have that laser focus again is really exciting.
- Kids are doing well and I am proud of them. I would actually like to be more like them, and it makes me realize that that is a good reflection of ourselves. It is a good reminder to be kinder to ourselves and give ourselves more credit. To watch them thrive, have hugs throughout the day and be free from mom-guilt since we're together at home with no plans to check off is quite satisfying.
- I've been doing great health wise. Yes there is that nagging sore throat, arm pain and other issue that worries me, but overall, I am fit, have lost all the baby weight and more, and am feeling strong. I did 24 laps of swimming for my son's 2nd birthday, one lap for every month. I've been eating healthy, and have been doing some form of exercise all of 2020: with yoga, walks, hikes, swimming. I'm also constantly on my feet running behind an active toddler and lifting him at times.
- All of the above helps with my mental wellbeing to a great extent, and I am proud to have come this far.
- The fact that I was able to keep my son home for his first two years of his life and be around myself. The time between 6 mo and 18 mo had me shuttling between the office and home but I spent a good part of my day at home with him, and breastfed him the whole time (still do). Not that that is necessary but it felt good to do it for me nonetheless, with the idea of added immunity to him and me, not to mention all the time and money saved on formula and bottles, and my not being much of a fan of dairy based milk. I've invested a lot into breastfeeding and have gotten tremendous returns.
- Yes, I've also been dairy free for almost a year! 2 more months to go. I started off for health reasons and environmental/animal welfare reasons (treading lightly on both counts) and for as long as I can go, I'll stay with plant based alternatives. They make me feel much better overall and I don't miss dairy in the least. I also don't fuss too much about it, like I'll eat the occasional item with butter in it (maybe a couple of times a month), and don't ask others to cater to my dairy-free-ness outside of my own home. At some point, I'd like to remove chicken from my diet but I'm not ready for that yet.
- Some of the silver linings in the pandemic-driven work environment. I get to attend virtual conferences from home, without having to decide if leaving kids to travel is worth it. I get to fall back on technical content that I create from home, without worrying about physically being at an event to network. All that socializing being virtual and the lack of having to be in the office is a boon for me. No more dealing with traffic, distractions, keeping up appearances, being "seen" at work, etc.
- I've enjoyed all the great music I've discovered in these past few months (shoegaze, dream pop). It's the soundtrack playing in my mind as I work and make new strides, or when I feel a bit discouraged and contemplative and it helps to keep my thoughts flowing and keep me moving.
- My swims. I love that 3 minute early morning walk to the pool. It's my time and makes me feel pumped up. The delicious feeling of the water as I swim. All the ideas that come to me as I enjoy the views around me between laps. The feeling of having worked out and feeling sharp and fit. That sense of accomplishment as I complete my goal # of laps. Having 45 minutes all to myself and for myself. Showering and being ready for the day by 8:30. Allergies being under control. Being able to focus during the day.
Well, what do you know? I ended up writing paragraphs and paragraphs about the positives, and I'd like to get back to work on that note. Let's get this next blog (the technical one) done.
Souvlaki Space Station (Slowdive)
Closed doors brings open minds
(And I don't want to see you)
See you smile inside
(And I don't want to know you)
