The title of this post sounds like I have all the answers and I'm going to provide a five point plan on how to succeed through life's challenges! Well, that's far from it. I think where my head is at is "how do people do it?" and "I hope that if I just keep going, maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel?"
The pandemic reached worrisome and anxiety-inducing levels these past months in India and for all of us sitting in the US glued to our WhatsApp messages. Our work did not miss a beat and did not fail to keep the pressure at an all time high so there was that. And we threw ourselves into the only way we know to cope which is to power through and double down on all of our efforts to keep the boat afloat. Then since we were really running out of energy, we also started back up our fitness (we never really stop but there are bouts of more and less that we go through, and this period saw the "more" happen).
Then we had another few setbacks related to family travel, and health, and work. All the big ones right? But we have to step back, keep things in perspective and keep going.
There's lots of positives and silver linings and we don't need to look very far to find them.
I'll show you how I do mine, but first I need to lay out the negatives to get it out and make space for the positives to (hopefully) occupy a more dominant space in my mind.
- Work has been extra demanding for both of us. There are others in the company with way lower pressure and high position jobs - why are we always at the "other" and more difficult side of things? Leveling is always something I have to grapple with and am deeply disappointed by. I'm not convinced if this is the right place for me or where I should go next.
- Kids. They are great and we love them. They are also so difficult. I don't have a way to get through to my son. He tests me so much, he doesn't listen to me. He pushes all the limits constantly. He loves me hard. But he pushes the limits again. Hits and kicks. Appears to be destructive, but it's really more of curiosity. He's incredibly intelligent. He's also bored - he's never been in school, never been socialized, he's never even been to a grocery store or any store for that matter. I'm sure he has no recollection of restaurants, or travel or anything else. If we took him to the city, his mind would be blown. But he's so high energy, he's always getting into stuff. Yesterday, he climbed up a stool and lunged forward to swing onto a dreamcatcher I had hanging in my closets since 2005, broke it (thankfully didn't hurt himself). I screamed at him and he cried. This was right after we discovered he'd damaged the roof of my daughter's dollhouse by fiddling with it and the wood had chipped off the side. He got a stern talking to, and I'm sure he didn't even understand why but he said he was sorry and he wouldn't do it again. I feel like such a miserable failure not to teach him right and teach him with love, to let him be who he is, and to make him happy, to build on his personality. And as for me, it's not even so much about the things he breaks, but I am so helpless that I cannot talk to him right. He also cannot stand it that I'm sad or that anyone is sad, and to get us to snap out of it, he acts out again, rinse and repeat. I know, parenting books, yeah I'm reading. He's so amazing though, and I feel incredibly small and powerless. And then he says he loves me and that I'm the best, and with those hugs and that smile - it's just to die for.
- Other kid - oh how much I dismiss her. She's amazing, kind, super intelligent and talented. She's always nice, even if others are mean to her. She's extremely perceptive and gets right to heart of an issue. She names her feelings spot on. Even if it's unjustified, she explains things perfectly. Such as "I just got irritated when I saw her. She didn't do anything today, but she was wearing a princess dress and I got jealous. She's mean to me sometimes, but I don't want to be like that, I want to be nice. It was frustrating". I've been dismissing her feelings a lot even when she literally spells them out for me and gives me so many heads up that she needs me. She's also the queen of meltdown central, and when that train leaves the station there's no stopping it, I end up hopping on board as well because she can get me really riled up, and then it's just drama all around. We walk away and regroup later in the day and it's all smiles and hugs. And she tells me how I'm the best mama, and that she doesn't know how she would manage if I wasn't her mama, and that I'm a champion superhero (her words, I never use that sort of language!) and she teaches me quite a bit about nature, art, science and many other things she already knows much better than me at age 5.
- Ok so bottom line is I need to do better with my kids and hopefully, I'm not half bad because they are at least intelligent and empathetic, but the areas we need to work on are - more social activities, rule following, them learning how to manage their feelings, us being more validating of their feelings, and learning how to de-escalate meltdowns.
- Health, family, grief, travel, extended family, family conflicts, and more. There are setbacks we have had and it's hard to move forward from them. This takes up so much headspace but I'm not comfortable sharing here.
- Our own health and well being. We never get to relax. We are always stressed. Even a trip to beach involves us being tired, stressed and drained by the time we leave our front door. So much yelling, so much nagging, so much prep, and we don't even have a baby anymore, they're 5 and almost 3.
Positives
- supportive family
- challenging work and field
- company is actually okay - there's annoyances but overall the people are down to earth and not arrogant. There's lots to learn and it's interesting.
- Work in our field is rewarding in some ways.
- Home setup - we're comfortable. Plenty of green spaces nearby, beaches and open spaces driving distance, trails and hikes to do in the neighborhood and locally, and lots of activities we can do of all kinds - right at our fingertips.
- Our county's vax status is at 80% of those above 12 yo (first dose) and 74% of 12 and over (both doses). So that's a relief and cases are okay for now, but we know that it's the calm before the storm. So we are trying to do more for the month of July since we have a small window. Hope that doesn't backfire.
- Started reading a bit and singing again.
- Started new fitness goals. Walking quite a bit more and swimming a lot which I love love love.
- Daughter's learning to swim and I couldn't be more proud.
- Son's showing interest in biking and hopefully will get a new bike for his birthday.
- We've had health issues and injuries but hoping we can get past them with home care and exercises.
- Food is yummy - our local selection is so great, husband is such a great cook and our meals are delicious plus we eat super healthy. Really glad on that front.
- The van is ready for camping! And I hope we get to do some of it soon, after we heal a bit more.
- I moved past a job loss, in a pandemic, and upgraded my career in most aspects in a single move - that's pretty badass.
- With all the disappointment and rehashing I go through regarding my job loss (it still lingers), I have to remember the above and that I had multiple job offers to choose from afterwards. I know this means nothing by itself, but it's just a reminder to myself to keep up my self confidence and stop doubting and blaming myself. Besides, at my old job, it really was over long before it was over. I acknowledge that it was a tough time, and I don't consider it "the best thing that happened" or anything, far from it in fact. But at least I was able to place one foot in front of the next and take a step from there.
- Now everytime I try to move past the struggling phase, I have a setback, so I guess it's okay to be okay with where I am, where we are and keep doing the things and keep going. Keep learning has always been key for me, and when the learning stops the living stops, so that's going to be what I do.
- Music. I'm kind of running on empty. Listening to the same old. Singing at times but not really feeling it. Need to find something new.
It's still Slowdive and Sleep is playing in loop as I type this:
Through dreams of perfect sleep
Sleep away from me
You know what's in my mind
When you go I'm crying
Dream dream away from me
