On lows and learning

Sometimes, our day just doesn't go our way. Mine started out alright and I got in my yoga, a walk and about half an hour's work, along with a lot of time with the kids. And then it went downhill. Tired, unproductive, and overwhelmed were the themes of my day since this afternoon. There doesn't seem a recipe for success, we keep stumbling and falling. I know that eventually I will get up and dust myself off and keep going. But sometimes I just need to stay here for a little bit, you know?

Firstly, my home life is off balance. Yeah, pandemic. But even otherwise, sleep has been an issue in forever. Tired zombie days have been aplenty. How have I even remained a functioning person, I sometimes wonder.

There's a trifecta that I need to get working for work. First, I need the time to focus on my work. Second, I need the knowledge and skills for my new project. And third, I need to be given the right opportunities and enabled to succeed (and actually succeed, not just have the tools in place for it). My cup is not full enough on the three aspects or even at a sustainable level. Today's low made this even more apparent to me. Tinnitus and a migraine sneaking in added to my heavy feeling.

But now to get to the learning. I didn't even realize about these three cups that I need filled. I can now break it down. I know what I need to do, even if I don't know how.

The time aspect is something that I will have to change my personality for. I am a pleaser, and tend to feel under-entitled to my time that I spend on work. I have to fix that, and strike up a better balance. I also need to sleep better and find ways to power through the day productively. I have to change some of my habits, like reading less on my phone and working more. And actually working, not just preparing or laying the ground work.

The second aspect is about gaining knowledge and skills for my project. I don't know if I will be able to stay with it until I get good at what I am doing. I do know that I have some abilities and that I have crossed this kind of a bridge before. I just don't know if I can do it anymore. That remains to be seen. Somewhere deep down, really deep, I know that I can do this and I also have a fire lit that makes me want to prove myself to myself. But, so much has changed since the last time I did it, that I don't know if I will do it this time, even if I can.

And the third aspect, I don't have a high level of confidence in. The broader environment and field I am in are great. But within that I am not sure I am set up to shine. But there are some changes going on, so I will have to see how it goes, and if it doesn't go well determine how long I'll be stuck.

With all of these, I am reminded again to be thankful. But I know that it is possible to be thankful, while at the same time identify problems and sort out what can and cannot be fixed.

So that is that. I think this day isn't very salvageable. So I'll just go through the motions and start over tomorrow. Or next week. I feel like a walking zombie. Sleep has been poor. Mental energy has been sucked out. My T is so loud that it is deafening (tinnitus). I'll stop and remind myself that I am still doing a lot, even if it is invisible. And then I'll try again tomorrow.

On lockdown and little ones

Birds' nest made by our daughter

Here are some insights we've gained after being in lockdown with our little kids (4 and 1.5) for the past few weeks:

- Little ones are hard work and need constant attention. Wait, where's that meme of Phoebe saying "This is brand new information!"?!

- Ours seem to benefit from having both of us around. They are calmer and play by themselves more. Even the toddler does this, which is something hard to imagine. They are probably used to fighting for our attention. I think that since they are reassured that we are around, it encourages them to settle down and not need us 24/7. These pockets of time are few and far between (maybe 30 minutes twice a day that they can be left to play by themselves) but we didn't even know our kids were capable of this before all this started.

- Boredom does inspire creativity. Our daughter has started making swings for her dolls and using twine to hang them from the plants, write on the outside steps with twigs dipped in water, forage for twigs and fallen petals and leaves to make "birds' nests", draw and doodle, form letters with twigs she picks up in the garden, and come up with her own games. Our son who is the ever inquisitive explorer always finds new things indoors and out to destroy take apart and study.

Cradle swing for the dolls

- Our kids eat so much better (touch wood, knock on wood, etc.). From fresh fruits to a variety of vegetables to chicken and egg along with whole grains in the form of breads, pastas, rice, oats, barley and more, they have great appetites and thankfully enjoy a variety of foods. Even our treats that we occasionally give them are mostly homemade and not too sugary.

- Our toddler who was not speaking much earlier has made a lot of progress with his words. We are very relieved since we had begun to worry about his speech. We will continue to work on it.

- Their sleep is falling into a different pattern. Both of them seem to sleep better if they go to bed late and wake up late. Maybe that is their natural sleep cycle? Or perhaps we need to work on getting them into better sleep habits.
Sleep training for toddler started yesterday and my husband is operating on lack of sleep. I've cut off feeding at night and my husband goes in to soothe him back to sleep while I hide in our room and stay put while listening to him cry for mama. I know he is doing his best but he gets cranky without enough sleep. Husband, that is. Toddler too, I suppose. Yikes. Oh STTN, please work so we can go back to our non-zombie-like days soon.

- Younger kids are both easier and harder. Harder because of the obvious reasons. Our son is extremely spirited and very, very active, and it is hard for us to ever sit down for a meal. We have to get up a hundred times and follow him around and keep him from getting into things. He gets his way by screaming if he's ever put into a situation he doesn't like. It is very difficult to handle our day to day, and we are often at the end of our rope. It takes all of our strength and inner resolve to be calm through the chaos, and get creative in engaging them and getting them to cooperate. We also constantly have to think ahead and anticipate potential meltdowns before everything we do, which we sometimes just need a mental break from.

- They are easier because we do not have any online schooling to be done. If they don't go to preschool or daycare they won't really miss out on a year of education. Our kids were both staying at home anyway even before this, and our lifestyle was partly "socially distant". They do miss cousins and friends but not to the extent that older kids would. We try to sneak in some learning with our daughter through daily life. For example, we count things while  on our walks or learn new words (Look at that rose! It's humungous, gigantic, enormous!), draw and write and talk about letters while we read her books, and so on. She takes an active part in cooking and baking to the point that she knows how to handle various fruits and vegetables, and even knows the recipes to many dishes. She  does a Zoom session with our nanny for about an hour a day where they read Kindle books, talk about things, play games, draw and sing together. It's nice for her to have that focused and dedicated time with another adult and we keep it flexible. She has virtual play dates with her cousin and they've both gotten quite creative in their play. Our son showed an interest in talking to our nanny since he misses her very much. He surprised us by sitting down and interacting with her for about 15 minutes today (without breaking anything; the only accident was toppling a cup of water which he very obligingly wiped up himself).

- They are also easier because they don't need much other than us. Mom and dad are around all day, and this is a child's paradise. Add in some outdoor space to play in, a walk a day and their toys and books, and they are quite content. They don't ask too many questions about the "bad bug" as my daughter refers to it and only occasionally express their frustration of not being able to go out and do things.

- Let's talk about anxiety. All of us have some level of fears and anxiety, and it manifests in different ways and to different extents. My goal is to prevent our anxiety from affecting our kids, and therefore doing what we need to do to keep it in control in the first place. So far, I think we're okay. Our daughter is aware of the "bad bug" and why we are at home. But her world hasn't changed enough for her to feel down by the current situation and we do our best to strike that balance of being honest with her in a child friendly way, and keeping her from getting anxious. But, this is far far easier with younger kids than with older ones who know more, are more aware, miss their friends, understand the concept of time (weeks and months more of this) and tend to worry more about the what-ifs. Our son is "hyper" but cannot talk about his feelings yet. He does show interest in talking to people over video call and we do this when we can. We try to spend one-on-one time with him so he can have an outlet to express himself.

- Both of us work, and don't have time for focused activities with our kids. We haven't been in the habit of doing crafts or "fun learning activities" or "science projects" that are posted in abundance online. Even if I read about them, I never get around to doing them. We aren't on social media very much, and whatever we do mostly arises from what strikes our imagination, and may not be very fun for our kids. But they seem to be happy enough. My husband does come up with books and toys to engage the kids and also builds things from around the house and garden for them, so there's never a dull moment. With me, it's a lot of role playing games, reading, singing, dancing and imaginative play and we laugh together often. I also take the kids on a walk every evening while my husband makes dinner, it's our time where they open up about their feelings and it's my husband's time to decompress while cooking and listening to music.

- We are enjoying a lot of hugs, kisses, cuddles and snuggles and it's just great.

- While all of these are really amazing in their own way, every day is also very exhausting. Sometimes we feel like it is just too much. Our days go on nonstop. We are well aware of the benefits of time to ourselves to recharge but also know that every time we do this, something else has to give. Even if we have to watch a TV show, this involves sitting down at 11 pm and giving up on some precious sleep since our nights are fragmented and 6 am is go time again. So this happens almost never. Reading books? Pursuing hobbies, or taking up a new one? These are foreign ideas in our world. Our days are an endless balancing act and a back and forth between my husband and me. I have to step away and breathe or just sit to get a pause from the craziness. I reframe my perspectives and regroup. For anyone who is reading this, I will take all tips on how to handle the screaming when toddler doesn't get his way. BUT with all of this, it doesn't take me very long or any effort to feel thankful again for what we have.

It's been a bonding experience for us all. My daughter did say "I wish the conversation about the bad bug was over", and yes we do. Our reason for being in lockdown has all of us worried and I am anxious about it even more as the situation gets more dire. Testing, treatments and prevention are still up in the air with many unknowns, all while talk about re-opening things is going on. But for now, I'll take some small strides we have made with the kids and hope that we gain some nuggets of wisdom from our time together.

Seven weeks

I've been isolating at home since March 5th, with a brief outing on March 11th for an errand and grocery stop.  Since then, the only outing I've had has been neighborhood walks. I just looked at my calendar and realized that it's been seven weeks of being home. I know that this is far from over and am mentally preparing myself to stay in this mode much longer.

I've done this before, and I know that I can go on this way for a while. But it is also not easy, especially the running on empty feeling we get with work, kids and the house. I sometimes need to recharge and I also know to expect ebbs and flows and frustrations.

A couple of days back, when it was almost 6 weeks since I had started my car, I took a small drive around and it felt great to drive again. It was something I had been wanting to do for a while and had been looking forward to, especially the idea of being alone with my car, on beautiful roads and with my music. I planned to keep it short since I wanted it to be an essential trip - just enough to drive my car and not incur an additional trip to the dealership or car trouble. However, just as I was leaving, my husband came out with the kids and they burst out crying so I had to take them along. It was a short drive and I realized that my daughter needed it more than I did. She is an extrovert and loves going out and doing things, and interacting with people. She enjoyed the drive and thanked me profusely when we were done.

Side note: I've mentioned a few times that I'm an introvert. But I'm also partially extroverted at times. I do not shy away from talking to people, making phone calls, and am okay having a conversation with people I barely know. I can easily make small talk. I also like meeting and being with people in some situations. I've been able to interact with various cultures through work or leisure and have often been the one to initiate conversation. But I don't really social gatherings every weekend or anything like that. I do miss the outdoors a lot. In my single days, when I had to do a trip to the mall to buy something that I couldn't avoid anymore, I would stop by my office on the way back and sit in the empty floor with my work for a bit to reframe myself. So introvert with a few extroverted tendencies, maybe?

I drove to a nearby county park and lake that is still open with a one way hiking trail loop, and the parking lot was packed.  A lot of people seem to be discovering the outdoors only now. We didn't stop or get out of the car and drove back home quite satisfied. I so love the sound of my engine revving and cruising. I got to experience the thrill of accelerating to 50 (the max mph for our nearby expressway) and the joy of cruising slowly and taking in the sights. Mmm! By the way, I love driving, but I drive slow and mostly at the speed limit (or five plus on the freeway), despite having a powerful car. I let people merge in front of me, enjoy my drive and am not in a rush to get anywhere or out of my car, even when I'm going to work. I actually like being in my car. My ideal solo day would be to take a drive for about an hour to a beautiful county park or lake, hike for a bit, sit down and dream, grab a bit to eat by myself and come home to a nap! Of course with great music playing on my drives.

Back to our quarantine days... We have done a few Zoom meetings with family that went well. My kids' nanny suggested doing a Zoom session with her, and we started it this week for my daughter. She has liked it so far - they do story time with Kindle books, some writing and drawing, playing interactive games and Spanish class. The nanny got creative and even prepared a small session for my toddler, who was thrilled to see her and talk to her again. They did an animal sounds slideshow and danced to a song together!

My work has been going alright, and I am thankful to be in the field that I am. I've carefully chosen to be in this field and have evaluated what I do many times. Every time I came back to the conclusion that I wanted to be in this industry. The same goes for our home and living in this area; we are thankful to be here. We also worked very hard to be able to be here and chose this place, which not everyone gets to do.

I've been down with a headache since this morning and really need to figure out my sleep strategy with the kids. I just want to be able to decide one way or another and then go into implementation phase. My toddler still wakes up multiple times at night to nurse. I've forgotten what it was like to function on a full night's sleep. I also wonder if getting it will change very much. We'll still have to deal with kids' unpredictable moods through the day and meet their needs. We will still have a ton of work to do. So should I really sweat the sleep aspect and strive for that full night of sleep? Or is it ok to just co-sleep for a bit more and nurse and go back to sleep after? I'm not sure how disruptive it is at the moment. I know I have to enlist my husband's help to get over it, so now I'm dealing with potentially upsetting his schedule and dealing with a cranky household the day after. Is lockdown a bad time to change things? A part of me feels like yes, it is. But another part feels like it is actually the best time. We are all at home and can catch up on sleep during the day if we absolutely need to. My toddler has me around all day and doesn't have to deal with separation anxiety so he might be okay at night. But he's always been close to me and even as a newborn I had to keep him in an infant co-sleeper on my bed. He somehow only calms down and sleeps when he's close to me. Or is it me who needs him? I also feel a bit lost and not at ease without him next to me. It's been hard enough not putting my daughter to bed, a ritual that we had for the past four years and that I only handed to my husband a few weeks ago. Now to get my toddler to sleep in his crib through the night too? I'm not sure. But I'd like to have a plan for it, so I feel like I'm in control and not stumbling through the process.

With that, I'll go attend to this headache and try to salvage this day. Or just put it aside and wait for tomorrow to start over. Adios!

Easter weekend

Here's my account from last weekend which also happened to be Easter. 

Saturday

Our Saturday began with my husband doing a drive-by no-touch grocery pickup at a restaurant-turned-grocery spot. We spent our afternoon in our garden with the kids running around and playing in water. It was a sunny day with deliciously warm weather in the afternoon. Our garden is in full bloom with its roses in various brilliant hues, which brought in a bit of a festive atmosphere.

We plan to do an Easter egg hunt for the kids in the backyard tomorrow. Hopefully we’ll find our plastic eggs that we plan to fill with printouts of their favorite characters. They’ll wear new clothes that they got from my parents when we visited India. Dinner will be chicken and vegetable paella. If we have time, we may bake a cake tomorrow. My husband picked up an Easter basket with goodies for the kids at the drive-by grocery this morning (score!). 

We hope to catch up with family over video call tomorrow and maybe watch Easter services online.

Easter Sunday

Easter Sunday started off a bit rough after a poor night’s sleep, but we got it back on track. My husband organized an Easter egg hunt for the kids which they thoroughly enjoyed. He found our stash of plastic eggs that we pull out every Easter and prepared the small ones for our toddler and the larger ones for our daughter. We usually fill these eggs with cutouts of their favorite characters that we print at home (DIY ftw!)

To add to the Easter special-ness we also got an Easter goodie bag at the grocery store pickup. This had cookies, candies and other goodies for our daughter. She believes that the Easter bunny had come and left her the eggs and the goodie bag, which she found in a tree. She came to this conclusion herself after seeing the Easter bunny decorations outside many of the houses in our neighborhood. She just couldn’t wait to go out and look for the Easter eggs that morning. What a magical world she lives in! Just this evening, we watched music videos from The Sound of Music, and she remarked “This is so fantastical!” (fantastic + magical, maybe?)

Anyway, the kids enjoyed their Easter egg hunt. Our son also liked running around and finding eggs everywhere, although he didn’t quite understand what it was about. After they played for a bit, we watched Andrea Bocelli’s Easter performance from the Duomo. I remember my first work trip to Europe, which happened to be to Milan. I had spent my first evening at the Duomo, and had gone back the following day by myself to walk around on its rooftop which had beautiful views. I returned with my husband a few years later. All of it feels like a lifetime ago.

My husband tuned in to the Pope’s Easter mass for a short while, and it was surreal to see scenes from around the world in lockdown. We also spoke to our parents and wished our nanny and her family for Easter. The kids dressed up in their new clothes, and it felt special and festive. We made crepes for breakfast, followed by a lunch of omelettes, refried potatoes and salad. My daughter and I baked a chocolate cake in the afternoon, and my husband made a special vegetable paella in the evening for dinner, with chicken meatballs on the side.

It was a simple, peaceful celebration which we probably wouldn’t have done very differently sans quarantine. We enjoyed our day very much. But as usual, I also enjoyed the following morning which I tend to do after any special occasion. On the day after, the pressure is off, we'd have already had a nice celebration to remember (hopefully) and can go back to our regular scheduled programming!

A setback, and a slight turnaround

This past week has been unsettling for me. I have been feeling irritable and short-tempered, and have been having a lot of negative feelings. I have been feeling less-than, and like I am not up to the mark in various areas. My husband has also been stressed and we seemed to not be communicating correctly, leading to misunderstandings. Yesterday, he reassured me that we were just on different pages and that we can do a better job of talking about things. We had a good talk and things are better, and he made me feel like it was mostly in my head and that I am doing things well. I've not been feeling great physically but I think it was from tiredness and usual ups and downs. I am actually starting to feel better today (touch wood).

The setback that I'm going to write about is regarding my work. A brief background: I have been struggling with my career for a while now. I went after a new project in December and got it, to my delight. I was hoping it would be my ticket to getting my career back on track, and enable me to take my first foray into leadership. I have been very excited about the scope of this new venture. As I worked on it and started peeling off the layers of the onion however, I realized that our current implementation is not very good and neither is the documentation. There are levels of overhead that make it hard to use, and it is not very well-aligned with our market. I was struggling to reconcile my time working on it because the implementation details were something I did not want to touch with a ten foot pole. I wanted to focus on the protocols and their application, the overall architecture, if you will. The technology itself is interesting, and I still believe it is the way forward in our sphere of networking. I have a strong conviction about this.


Well, now to get to the setback. I found out today that this project is being handed to someone else, who is relatively new in our industry no less, and that he will be starting his own team to do it (surprise, surprise! /end sarcasm) - exactly what I was hoping would be given to me. I also found out about this in a circuitous manner by getting copied on an email that casually alluded to it.

A wave of disappointment flooded over me. I still do not have clarity on what this means for me. But yet again, I have been sidetracked, and have not even been told what this change is going to be. My hopes of getting into leadership have been thwarted again. A few more months of my work and hopes might have gone down the drain. I also feel a sort of relief, but I cannot put my finger on why. My conviction is not rooted in my current platform and group very much, and I have an idea about which one I would rather work on since it has a more promising future. So maybe I am heading there? Or it could be that I am just grasping at straws as I go down....looking for silver linings, thinking about failure as a stepping stone to success, who knows?!

All of this makes me feel stuck and hopeless. We are on a layoff freeze, so at least I have my job for the next 60. Days, that is. We are going through a reorganization and things are likely going to be in flux for a while. Companies around me are aplenty, but hiring freezes and unemployment are also our current reality. I have to hold out the hope that I can use this time productively to learn, polish up my skills, and "will" myself towards a successful career opportunity, even if it happens to occur exactly where I am.

Sigh. Self-doubt is creeping in again. Should I have done more, and made a big splash about this project rather than working in my little corner? Or maybe it would all have been futile, and no matter what I had done I was just in the wrong place. I am not able to get out of this rut. There is a small part of me that wonders - if I had been given the added responsibility and a chance to grow my career, could I have stepped up to the plate? Or would I have totally blown it? With all the balls I have in the air (mainly very young kids and my current focus on health and wellbeing), is a career advancement really something I can focus on and do well? I feel like it's been so long that I have become rusty - not in the work itself but in the idea that a work day is 8 hours. Or am I just looking for a cop out? Doesn't everyone want to focus on their kids and health and career? What makes me so special that I cannot do it? In some ways, quarantine ways of work are exactly the way I like to work. I have my clan around me all day, I don't have the guilt of spending less time with my kids and I am able to fit in work all through the day. More importantly, everyone else at work is going through the same juggling of schedules and there's no judgement for working from home, as long as we get our work done. Sometimes, I may be nursing my toddler but my mind is working on how to solve the next problem at work - that counts for something, yeah? The existential crisis is real.

I want to end this post on a positive note, or at least offer myself a glimmer of hope.
So I tell myself: In this time of utter uncertainty and confusion, I turn to you again, oh indomitable spirit; I truly hope you prevail!

UPDATE: So after getting some clarification, the project isn't gone from me, at least not yet. "They" are still trying to figure it out, but it looks like I will still get to work on it and maybe work with the other person on some aspects - aka cross-functional collaboration - you know, the thing that makes all other things vague. I might also have something new assigned to me, but I'm not really sure it's something I believe in. Hopefully I won't get fully sidetracked again.

[Read Update 2 at the very end for the slight turnaround I referred to in the title of this post]

I listened to the song below very loud and it helped to get a bit of my don't-care defiance out so I don't wallow. To make myself feel better, maybe I'll call the new guy drivel head ;) Maybe not, since he's not that significant at the moment and I've always enjoyed this song.

Line Up - Elastica (you need to have the song playing in your head as you read the lyrics below, it's useless otherwise!)

Drivel Head wears her glad rags, 

She's got her keys, money and fags,

I know that her mind is made up,

To get rocked.

Drivel Head needs a new man, 

As only a drivel head can,

He's a hormonal nightmare,

So beware.

Another victim of line up in line,

Line up in line is all I remember.

Oh, how their favours change,

You could have been kinder.

Yes, yes, line up in line,

Line up in line is all I remember.

Oh, how their favours change,

You could have been kinder.

Drivel Head knows all the stars,

Loves to suck their shining guitars,

They've all been right up her stairs,

Do you care?

Drivel Head knows all the bands,

Knows them like the back of her hands.

You can't see…


Update 2: Well, things took an interesting turn. A couple of weeks have passed since my original post, and in that time I took the lead on an important project that someone else had dropped the ball on. This got me a lot of visibility and attention from upper management and I got a monetary compensation for my efforts, which is always nice. It is also a good sign during these uncertain times, since it gives me a bit of hope about my job futures.

Being productive

I'd written this blog post on the 4th but am posting it only now...

As the world around us is getting more and more a dangerous place to live in, sometimes we have to retreat into our safe havens.

This week, we have genuinely been too scared to go grocery shopping. With deliveries being unavailable in our area due to high backlogs, we started getting very worried. Our last grocery run had been on March 22nd, so we had gone about 12 days or so with what we bought. We still had enough food to last us a few days. However, we were low on a few of our preferred items and were also unsure about when (or even whether) we would finally get a delivery window. The thought of heading to the grocery store, or rather of my husband going to the grocery store filled me with dread. Covid has been quite prevalent in our area, and we already know of people living in our neighborhood and workers in our nearby stores contracting it.

We heard that Amazon releases its delivery slots at midnight for Amazon Fresh and Whole Foods Market. We are up at all hours of the night because of the kids, but somehow we were unable to find a delivery slot. I started feeling defeated and like this online grocery buying wasn’t my thing. We have never done online grocery shopping before for our daily needs despite wanting to try it out. There was one time several years ago that I placed a delivery order from Safeway when I used to live alone, and another time when I was on bed rest, and that was it. My husband loves to go choose his own produce and groceries and didn’t like the idea of giving that up (pre Covid). However he was not keen to go to the store now either. We were just not sure whether online ordering would work.

Finally, out of desperation, I googled “when does Whole Foods release delivery slots” and came upon a script on Reddit that runs in the background and alerts you when a slot pops up. Well, I thought I’d give it a try and without bothering to even read the instructions, I downloaded it off GitHub and installed it and managed to get it to work (note: I am not a software developer). A few times, it did alert me about a free delivery slot but by the time I clicked past the items that were out of stock, the window disappeared. Finally, just when I was about to give up, I managed to complete our order! By this time, I had added items back into our cart repeatedly over the past couple of days as they kept disappearing when they went out of stock. So we had no idea what was actually left in our cart and what would eventually arrive.

Just a disclaimer here: delivery slots are few and far between but we don't feel like we were taking away from seniors or people in need. Most of the seniors in our area don't online shop for groceries, and are taken care of by others shopping for them in the community through many volunteers. There are resources in our area for them to sign up for grocery help and the stores have senior hours and senior lines. We have also offered our help to our neighbors. The delivery slots are usually taken by people like us, often by people more savvy in scripting and online shopping. Besides, the script is hit or miss (mostly miss) since it's just a matter of luck when you refresh your page. Slots disappear within seconds so you could run your script for days and never score a slot. 

Our delivery slot happened to be for the same afternoon between 4 and 6 pm. At around 4:10 we got an alert on our Amazon app (that I had only installed for this exercise) that the groceries were dropped off. And voila! We managed to get most of our required groceries for about a week delivered to our doorstep! We have a sanitizing station set up on a folding table in the garage with a clean and dirty half and got to work. It was such a relief. This was probably my “main” accomplishment yesterday. We are ok with stuff for the next few days, until we have to worry about this all over again.

Today brought me back to focus on some of our bank work that needed attention. I also got pulled into an escalation at work. At the same time, my husband got a phone call about an urgent issue at his work. What to do?! We stuck the kids in front of the TV for an hour, grabbed a coffee and got to work, hoping for the best.

I was happy to be productive at work and realized that when I sit at my computer and work on networking stuff, I feel at peace. I feel excited. I want to do more and learn more (until I hear baby crying, and then everything else has to wait). I’ve been living in interrupt mode for so long that it’s become the norm. But these brief pockets of productivity really help me keep my sanity, and make me even look forward to the next interruption from the kids. I felt like a total badass running a Python script to get my groceries delivered!! That was a nice intersection of my home and work worlds.

I remember being on bed rest and leave of absence from my work and wanting the same kind of distraction a couple of years back. I was too scared about my condition at the time to even enjoy watching TV or reading books. I felt like working without the pressure of a deadline, just for the satisfaction that it brings. I had actually emailed my boss and volunteered to do some work, off the record. While it was a bit of a gesture of goodwill, it was really more for me than for my team.

Some things never change, I suppose. We have this idea ingrained into us that work is a "good" type of busy and engaging in hobbies is a "bad" type of busy, something that doesn't really make sense. What if your field of work is something you enjoy doing, as is fortunately my case? Yes, it is not always fun because you're often working under a mismanaged framework. But that is also part of the challenge you may be willing to overcome if you feel inspired by your core work.

Being productive and working really made my day. In other words, while work is what sometimes breaks us down, many times it is also what lifts us up.

Second quarter

Here we are, already a quarter of the way through the year 2020. A time that would normally be spent looking forward to brighter days ahead has us instead in the middle of a global pandemic. This leaves my health anxiety all over the place.

About a year ago, I had first reached out to a counselor to talk through my feelings around health related anxiety. I actually spoke to two different counselors since the first one switched jobs after a few sessions. The counseling was quite helpful, at least with the first person I saw. The counselor I saw after her left me with mixed feelings. I only had one session with her, where she told me that she felt like I already had a good understanding of the underlying reasons for my anxiety, and seemed to be able to work through it quite well with all the tools I had implemented. I mentioned that the fact that we were getting into summer helped with that, since a many of my recent triggers had happened during the fall and winter. Summer also helped with us being out of the flu season and regularly swimming which does wonders for my physical and mental health. She suggested that I focus on the fact that it was still summer and not think about fall just yet. I didn't go back to her, so I am not sure what her suggestion would have been next. Maybe she was right after all that I had some sort of a handle on it.

When we were getting into September, I made a mental note to "extend" summer in my mind, and then set myself small targets (getting through November, getting up to the holidays, getting through the holidays, and so on). I also made a few changes in my lifestyle, diet and childcare plans, all of which I feel were for the better. We are now in April when things should have eased up, but instead the tensions are dialed all the way up.

So how do I reconcile all of this? I know I cannot continue to live in high anxiety mode all year long. I also know that during this crisis in the world, almost everyone else is living in this state of worry that I have been in all along (many much more severe than me). The awareness that there is a connection between our thoughts, feelings and behaviors motivates me to work on my mental state. The knowledge that stress suppresses our immune systems (not that we need yet another reason to say "No" to stress) is relevant as well. What I found helpful is to draw a mental line between things we can control and things we cannot control.

I would like to spend less time worrying about others' social distancing, for example. We have detailed discussions with our friends and family and it looks like we are mostly on the same page. I would like to be aware of the latest guidance and news about the pandemic. But I also want to unplug from it and work on what we can do. I want to focus on ways to improve our home life and how we take care of the kids, the time we spend with them, and improve upon our strategy of how we work. These are all no-brainers, yeah. But I have a few specific ideas on how to do them.

I have a pit in my stomach feeling that just a few weeks ago, in my post on pandemic planning, I had written about the advice regarding masks and was also worried about the effect of the virus on children, and now both of these issues are coming up again. It is such a worrisome time that to an extent, we have to accept the worrying as inevitable.

Day by day is how we plan to go on. Some of my goals at the moment:

- focus on work and pick up the pace of learning, get a few tasks checked off
- focus on reading to my toddler and teaching him to speak and express himself
- focus on some sort of learning activities for my daughter who is eager and willing to learn
- spend time on online grocery shopping and trying to get a delivery window if possible
- get into a better schedule of swapping shifts with my husband so we make the most of our most productive hours of the day
- pick up something new to read
- figure out the media gallery in my WordPress site

With that, I'll go off to do my daily yoga - an evening session today as I begin Yoga with Adriene's Nurture series for the month of April.