Seven weeks

I've been isolating at home since March 5th, with a brief outing on March 11th for an errand and grocery stop.  Since then, the only outing I've had has been neighborhood walks. I just looked at my calendar and realized that it's been seven weeks of being home. I know that this is far from over and am mentally preparing myself to stay in this mode much longer.

I've done this before, and I know that I can go on this way for a while. But it is also not easy, especially the running on empty feeling we get with work, kids and the house. I sometimes need to recharge and I also know to expect ebbs and flows and frustrations.

A couple of days back, when it was almost 6 weeks since I had started my car, I took a small drive around and it felt great to drive again. It was something I had been wanting to do for a while and had been looking forward to, especially the idea of being alone with my car, on beautiful roads and with my music. I planned to keep it short since I wanted it to be an essential trip - just enough to drive my car and not incur an additional trip to the dealership or car trouble. However, just as I was leaving, my husband came out with the kids and they burst out crying so I had to take them along. It was a short drive and I realized that my daughter needed it more than I did. She is an extrovert and loves going out and doing things, and interacting with people. She enjoyed the drive and thanked me profusely when we were done.

Side note: I've mentioned a few times that I'm an introvert. But I'm also partially extroverted at times. I do not shy away from talking to people, making phone calls, and am okay having a conversation with people I barely know. I can easily make small talk. I also like meeting and being with people in some situations. I've been able to interact with various cultures through work or leisure and have often been the one to initiate conversation. But I don't really social gatherings every weekend or anything like that. I do miss the outdoors a lot. In my single days, when I had to do a trip to the mall to buy something that I couldn't avoid anymore, I would stop by my office on the way back and sit in the empty floor with my work for a bit to reframe myself. So introvert with a few extroverted tendencies, maybe?

I drove to a nearby county park and lake that is still open with a one way hiking trail loop, and the parking lot was packed.  A lot of people seem to be discovering the outdoors only now. We didn't stop or get out of the car and drove back home quite satisfied. I so love the sound of my engine revving and cruising. I got to experience the thrill of accelerating to 50 (the max mph for our nearby expressway) and the joy of cruising slowly and taking in the sights. Mmm! By the way, I love driving, but I drive slow and mostly at the speed limit (or five plus on the freeway), despite having a powerful car. I let people merge in front of me, enjoy my drive and am not in a rush to get anywhere or out of my car, even when I'm going to work. I actually like being in my car. My ideal solo day would be to take a drive for about an hour to a beautiful county park or lake, hike for a bit, sit down and dream, grab a bit to eat by myself and come home to a nap! Of course with great music playing on my drives.

Back to our quarantine days... We have done a few Zoom meetings with family that went well. My kids' nanny suggested doing a Zoom session with her, and we started it this week for my daughter. She has liked it so far - they do story time with Kindle books, some writing and drawing, playing interactive games and Spanish class. The nanny got creative and even prepared a small session for my toddler, who was thrilled to see her and talk to her again. They did an animal sounds slideshow and danced to a song together!

My work has been going alright, and I am thankful to be in the field that I am. I've carefully chosen to be in this field and have evaluated what I do many times. Every time I came back to the conclusion that I wanted to be in this industry. The same goes for our home and living in this area; we are thankful to be here. We also worked very hard to be able to be here and chose this place, which not everyone gets to do.

I've been down with a headache since this morning and really need to figure out my sleep strategy with the kids. I just want to be able to decide one way or another and then go into implementation phase. My toddler still wakes up multiple times at night to nurse. I've forgotten what it was like to function on a full night's sleep. I also wonder if getting it will change very much. We'll still have to deal with kids' unpredictable moods through the day and meet their needs. We will still have a ton of work to do. So should I really sweat the sleep aspect and strive for that full night of sleep? Or is it ok to just co-sleep for a bit more and nurse and go back to sleep after? I'm not sure how disruptive it is at the moment. I know I have to enlist my husband's help to get over it, so now I'm dealing with potentially upsetting his schedule and dealing with a cranky household the day after. Is lockdown a bad time to change things? A part of me feels like yes, it is. But another part feels like it is actually the best time. We are all at home and can catch up on sleep during the day if we absolutely need to. My toddler has me around all day and doesn't have to deal with separation anxiety so he might be okay at night. But he's always been close to me and even as a newborn I had to keep him in an infant co-sleeper on my bed. He somehow only calms down and sleeps when he's close to me. Or is it me who needs him? I also feel a bit lost and not at ease without him next to me. It's been hard enough not putting my daughter to bed, a ritual that we had for the past four years and that I only handed to my husband a few weeks ago. Now to get my toddler to sleep in his crib through the night too? I'm not sure. But I'd like to have a plan for it, so I feel like I'm in control and not stumbling through the process.

With that, I'll go attend to this headache and try to salvage this day. Or just put it aside and wait for tomorrow to start over. Adios!