On lows and learning

Sometimes, our day just doesn't go our way. Mine started out alright and I got in my yoga, a walk and about half an hour's work, along with a lot of time with the kids. And then it went downhill. Tired, unproductive, and overwhelmed were the themes of my day since this afternoon. There doesn't seem a recipe for success, we keep stumbling and falling. I know that eventually I will get up and dust myself off and keep going. But sometimes I just need to stay here for a little bit, you know?

Firstly, my home life is off balance. Yeah, pandemic. But even otherwise, sleep has been an issue in forever. Tired zombie days have been aplenty. How have I even remained a functioning person, I sometimes wonder.

There's a trifecta that I need to get working for work. First, I need the time to focus on my work. Second, I need the knowledge and skills for my new project. And third, I need to be given the right opportunities and enabled to succeed (and actually succeed, not just have the tools in place for it). My cup is not full enough on the three aspects or even at a sustainable level. Today's low made this even more apparent to me. Tinnitus and a migraine sneaking in added to my heavy feeling.

But now to get to the learning. I didn't even realize about these three cups that I need filled. I can now break it down. I know what I need to do, even if I don't know how.

The time aspect is something that I will have to change my personality for. I am a pleaser, and tend to feel under-entitled to my time that I spend on work. I have to fix that, and strike up a better balance. I also need to sleep better and find ways to power through the day productively. I have to change some of my habits, like reading less on my phone and working more. And actually working, not just preparing or laying the ground work.

The second aspect is about gaining knowledge and skills for my project. I don't know if I will be able to stay with it until I get good at what I am doing. I do know that I have some abilities and that I have crossed this kind of a bridge before. I just don't know if I can do it anymore. That remains to be seen. Somewhere deep down, really deep, I know that I can do this and I also have a fire lit that makes me want to prove myself to myself. But, so much has changed since the last time I did it, that I don't know if I will do it this time, even if I can.

And the third aspect, I don't have a high level of confidence in. The broader environment and field I am in are great. But within that I am not sure I am set up to shine. But there are some changes going on, so I will have to see how it goes, and if it doesn't go well determine how long I'll be stuck.

With all of these, I am reminded again to be thankful. But I know that it is possible to be thankful, while at the same time identify problems and sort out what can and cannot be fixed.

So that is that. I think this day isn't very salvageable. So I'll just go through the motions and start over tomorrow. Or next week. I feel like a walking zombie. Sleep has been poor. Mental energy has been sucked out. My T is so loud that it is deafening (tinnitus). I'll stop and remind myself that I am still doing a lot, even if it is invisible. And then I'll try again tomorrow.