Finding my voice

Shoegazing Days is one year old! This is a milestone for me and I'm so happy that I have been able to write this long. It has helped me in the quest to find my voice and speak up, even if it is on a relatively obscure blog such as this one (there I go self deprecating again). Anyway, I hope any of you reading along will join in this celebration with me.

I’ve always been caught up in a dichotomy between speaking up and staying quiet. I can justify both of these choices with surprising ease. I’ve been through the back and forth constantly in my mind for decades!

Regarding speaking up – I tend to think things through a lot and often land somewhere with a strong opinion. I do a lot of reading online and am quite passionate about things like equity for all and have always been. But I tend to appear mild-tempered and neutral on the outside. As we know, neutral is not good when there’s a clear right and wrong. I need to speak up more with my goal of self-expression this year and find my voice.

Regarding staying quiet – this is where my anxiety comes in. I’ve always had a lot of anxiety and speaking up takes up mental energy, especially if it involves standing up against an injustice. This is both draining and contributes to some negative energy or karma coming my way (in my mind). It causes anxiety to rear its ugly head, and make me wonder about what might happen as a result of all of speaking up and if I was better off keeping quiet. I’ve often deliberated if something was worth ruffling feathers and a lot of these feelings are rooted in a lack of confidence and insecurity.

To clarify, I’ve always been able to express myself with ease when it is about something technical or travel-related, for example. It’s the personal and creative expression, and whether to share my opinion or not that are the problem for me.

I know the answer to all of this is: “Moderation, I say” (my late grandfather's wise words), and landing somewhere in between. But it is also a sliding scale and I want to push my limits just a little further over time, as I become more confident in expressing my views and more hardened to criticism. I talk about it often with my husband and realized that staying silent definitely isn’t compatible with where I want to be. I think that expressing myself and learning to do so with ease definitely brings growth.

Another revelation is that those of us who find our voice after struggling to do so, tend to be very strong and relatable when we finally “come out”.

With public speaking: Back when I was 16 and in pre-university college, I stuttered through an embarrassing “declamation” in front of a group of students amongst whom I was definitely a misfit. It made me hide in my corner for years when it came to public speaking and get very nervous when it became a part of my job years later. But now, after doing it for a decade and with global audiences big and small on a wide range of topics, I don’t fear it beyond the usual normal nerves before a big talk. I went through a coaching session and my main takeaway was that I am fine. A lot of public speaking is also about being able to relate to people, and I find that I can do this well. Making eye contact and speaking directly to people is something that comes naturally to me. Yet, people who know me for a short while do not believe that I've traveled the world and have been invited to speak at conferences from all across Europe to Australia to Latin America! (I live in the US). When I feel nervous, I have to remind myself firstly that it is normal, and secondly that I've conducted week-long trainings, done video recordings, and have even stood up in front of a roomful of 300 attendees that paid to attend a session I was presenting for two whole hours! It wasn't a small feat since the person who created the technology I was presenting was actually at the back of the room and watching me present, and I didn't bomb it after all. On the contrary, there was a picture of me in action taken and a tweet that went out about it (wish I could find it now). It was intimidating for sure, and I don't want to downplay the mess I would be in for weeks before an event (and even after, because of those damn scores). But I still went and stood up on stage and and spoke while being projected across wall panels and answering questions while pacing the hall and I came out of it relatively unscathed. That's a win in my book.

With writing: I am the same person who wrote an essay for my English exam in 8th standard and had the English teacher approach me to write for the school magazine. I was sure she’d forget about it and just avoided eye contact all year long. It took her complaining about me to my mom at the parent-teacher conference and my mom forcing me to write it for me to actually do so. After it was published, I hid the magazine from my cousins and other family members because I was so embarrassed about my writing. Well, it’s only taken two decades and writing a few journal papers, a thesis and a dozen publications for me to realize that writing and posting my views is something I’m okay with.

With singing: We used to have singing class in school and an annual exam where we had to follow the teacher by sitting next to her as she played the piano while we sang back the notes to her. After one exam, my teacher yelled at me “Why aren’t you in the choir?”. I waited a whole year for her to repeat that statement, and then nervously went for an audition. I sang in the choir for four years but made sure to blend in and not stand out. The same thing happened in college where a band member seeked me out after I sang in a college competition to audition for a band. After singing in a band for years in front of even a cricket stadium of 22000 and having a CD released, I finally accepted that I could “sing”. I was often pushed aside since I lacked the attitude that involved dominating the room while I was singing: lovely voice but not confident enough was a common criticism. Then, when I was in Houston, I was in this weird mental space where I was able to take the initiative to join the choir but lacked the confidence to stand out yet again. This choir was made up of confident white Americans  with good voices and talented Black Americans with voices from heaven and I was the only immigrant and only brown person, oh I just wanted to hide in a corner and sing. But because I was short in stature and an alto, I suffered through the first row in the choir for two years. I'd look down and see my old worn out shoes that I didn't have the money to replace and see the girl next to me who wore "fancy flip flops with pedicured nails" (yes, that's a thing in Texas) and wish that the ground would swallow me up.

About a year back when shoegaze spoke to me, I realized that this was the missing piece all along. Why did I let myself be bullied into singing Shania Twain for years in the band when 1. I couldn't and cannot stand country music 2. That singing style and attitude is just not me ? I listen to shoegaze and notice the artists getting lost in the music. I watch Rachel (of Slowdive) putting herself on video and she's just herself - no makeup, no fancy attitude, just a normal person. And it is so attractive, and they are so talented! Yes I know, Bowie is the opposite, but his showmanship was very unique and characteristic and that is amazing – he was being his authentic self - not like all of those myriad hard rock bands that do the same song and dance as one another on stage.

Now that I'm finding my voice, I'll try to be more candid and outspoken in my future posts.