Celebrate in the midst of uncertainty

 It's really a strange balance when you have kids and have to "life". Ideally, we'd all be immersed in our day to day lives, activities, work and finding things to do together which we enjoy. I think that's the purpose of life, to be able to make a better world for ourselves and others, that we can feel content and fulfilled in.

Well, what do you do when you have to keep things going on for your little ones, but you're breaking into a thousand pieces inside? You make a choice to keep on keeping on. To acknowledge your feelings, and that it's okay to feel worried, anxious, and uneasy in general. And also to remember that you have strength, resiliency and a perspective that allows you to keep your kids' world and yours to an extent with little joys.

So the bad and the good again. The job situation is really stressful. It's beyond debilitating to have to keep these balls in the air, interview (I've had close to 50, between interviews, hiring manager calls, recruiter calls and references/industry contact calls). I've done well on some and poorly on others (actually just one so far, but it's eating at me because it's for a job I really want). It's also nerve wracking to keep all the communication positive, motivated and sincere, when in reality you're struggling with it all. So let's agree that this whole process is not easy, and that it's normal to feel anguish through it all.

The grief and losses and pandemic are just casting a dark feeling over it all, and it's really difficult to plod through these weeks. I remember the summer when I was enjoying my work, loved ones were still with us, my swimming every morning and spending time with the family. It was idyllic when compared to what I'm going through now.

But hey - there's still tons to be grateful for. The fact that I was able to network, interview. The knowledge I've gained through this whole process. The possibilities are still there. And I'm still capable, motivated to be in the field I am in, and willing to be all in and work with a positive attitude.

The kids - well it's one of their birthdays today. I am going to go off to bake a cake. And then bring them some joy with gifts (presents were all handled by my husband and family members, thankfully, and thanks to Amazon). We may do a walk or bike ride or drive through of the neighborhood to check out Christmas lights and decorations. We will fill them with some activities for them to enjoy their holiday season. They're also the ones keeping me and us sane, so really, I have to be grateful for that. Also for my husband, without whose support I would have crumbled at this time. He keeps me afloat literally. 

I've also got a lot of opportunities to learn, grow and prepare and I'm going to make full use of them. I hope that with this, I am able to cross this hurdle and overcome this awful feeling and just be able to have a pleasant day to day again. Yes I know, it's all in my attitude, but I've got to give myself grace on that too.