Choices and consequences

 Good morning blogosphere.

It's been a hectic few weeks, to say the least. I've been busy beyond measure, and running on empty a lot of the time. We're managing to keep the boat afloat at home with the kids, and still do some enjoyable activities with them from time to time. It's exhausting but is also our saving grace and our slice of normalcy in our otherwise rollercoaster life.

I'd done this thing where I listed out some of the negative thoughts on my mind, followed by the positive and seeing where it left me. The idea being not to block out the worries but to give them a space to exist and then move on to the positive things which would hopefully give me a better perspective.

So here goes. What am I worried about?

- The grief from losing two of our loved ones. The permanently altered family landscape. The loss of the loved ones themselves and what might have been. The pain that the rest of the family is going through. The isolation and depressing feeling. The feeling that it will never go away really, to let us feel carefree again.

- The job search. I've been fortunate to have made progress on that front. But the timing is not quite great, I think? The jobs I had my heart set on - I'm at an initial stage of the process so I don't really know if they will pan out. Meanwhile a couple of others are looking promising but I'm not sure they are the right choice for me now. But choices is good, yeah? It is also extremely confusing, stressful and keeps me up at night.

- The worry that I won't be able to be successful in a job, even if I find one. I know I need to buckle up and deal and power through. But it's still scary to embark on something new, in the middle of this pandemic.

- Worries about childcare with our beloved and trusted nanny moving away. I don't even know how to take care of my kids fulltime and work and even begin on the process to find new and safe childcare.

- Worry about the pandemic and safety and health...how things may unfold and this winter ahead and spring, and beyond. I think I've been depressed and I am not sure if I'll get out of it.

- Deja vu of 2017 fall when things started going downhill falling like dominoes. I just want to stop this train of bad stuff and invite some good for a change.

- Worry about my husband coping with the loss, stress of life and hoping we can both come out of it.

That's a lot, to be honest. Let me go on to the positive.

- The outing that husband and I did about a week ago. We went to a beautiful scenic place by the ocean, did a hike in the marsh land, and went back up to the beach to spend a day out. The drive, hike and overall time spent was priceless (sans kids). A bonus was that it took us back to a time a few years back, when many things were right in our world.

- I cut my kids' hair and it turned out great. It's such a relief to be able to do that and for them to look well taken care of

- Gifts and plans for my daughter's birthday. While we will be spending it at home, with just us, she is excited and we managed to get her things (along with family sending some) that will fill her with joy.

- Hopefully a financial benefit, with all the severance and possibilities.

- The ability to get a break from the toxicity that was my last job. To be free from it all. To be moving towards something better and not settling for being treated less than. To be free from the hypocrisy and struggle of having to motivate myself despite everything around me. To also end on a semi-supportive note.

- To be isolated and not have to deal with worries about gatherings during this time. To be in semi lockdown to feel a bit safer

- To have opportunities for jobs even during the pandemic

- I'm glad that I am someone who thinks things through without getting flustered and does what I think and not what others do (these were not my own words but reminded to me by a relative). That I am smart and have a lot of work experience.

- I am glad that I have loving supportive family and friends.

- I am glad to be exited and passionate about the field I am working in, and learning new things still excites me.

- I am glad to be able to put things in perspective, that I think things through with their potential, their value and not just a superficial view of things.

- I am glad to have possibilities to explore with my spouse living in a great place, with opportunities here in the US, maybe even in Europe at some point. I've got a great multicultural background that I get to live everyday instead of just looking at from the outside. The ability to pick up new languages, new skills, live a colorful life with a variety of activities and interests. The ability to go against the grain - I've done it before, many times, to power through adversity even while feeling every bit of the pain because I care, and the possibility to arrive at a solution that works the best for all involved.

- I have the ability to be a good source of comfort and advice to my friends and family. To put things in perspective and encourage them. To love them and cheer them on in ways unique to our relationship. To be a pillar of support.

- I have lots of things I enjoy. From cups of coffee, to hikes, to reading books to music to singing. From traveling to dreaming and all things in between. From enjoying working, truly being excited about it, to making strides in what I'm doing, to helping make a difference to others. 

- I have the ability to be a great manager/boss for example, to my nanny. I've taken steps to thank her for her service and support her in her next venture, and be a support to her in her life because she's the same for me.

- I have a lot of potential in my kids which I'm grateful for. Being a mixed family sets us apart a little bit not just because of the basics but because we live our different cultures everyday. We hope we can come up with the best of both worlds and all others as well and give them an opportunity to catapult themselves into a happy and enriching life.

- I have the humility to know my limitations and also know when to highlight my strengths and when to retreat, to be a listener and to choose my words carefully when I speak. I've also got the ability to reach out and speak to a range of people.

- I've got the values that people want to work with. The cooperative, sincere, motivated, humble, striving for intelligence, and being fair and equitable. 

- I know that my walks, yoga, journaling, hikes, running and eventually maybe swimming (summer) are all going to help my mental health. I also have ways to work on technical topics to help myself stay motivated. 

- I have a supportive husband whom I'm grateful to have by my side while making these hard decisions about career, the ability to change gears if things don't work out (being in the silicon valley), and the gut feeling that I have to fall back on or lead me forward whichever that may be.

- In all, I know I'm in a great place to come out of this hole. I am doing the work. I don't have a crystal ball to say how and when that may happen but I can only try and have to keep the faith that it will all work out.