Integrity

Often when we are in times of crisis, our lives become a clean slate. We are down to the core of things that matter. We do not care about appearances and extraneous stuff anymore. With this, in some ways we are able to see clearer than before.

There is no doubt that the grief overshadows a lot of our thoughts and feelings. However, during this time, I've come to realize that it's important to focus on the things that matter.

The world around us keeps turning even though our lives came to a standstill. With this I can sort of step outside myself and watch in slow motion things unraveling around me.

I realized that I really need to stop doubting myself and my choices. Many of us need this reminder. Some of us of course need to be told to step back from "me me me". As for me, I fall into the former category.

There are lots of toxic elements around me that I've allowed to hold me back. I have to untangle myself from the control they have over me.

My work choice is becoming clearer. It's going to hurt as hell not to have a job and not to "belong" to an organization. But it had become so toxic and negative that I found myself at odds with it all the time. It's time for me to have a fresh start, and even if corporate culture inevitably degrades into "this", I deserve to give myself a better chance at it this time around.

There have been family members who've not been very empathetic. I guess they don't really care, or maybe they don't have the emotional intelligence to understand. But there've been other family members I could lean on. They've been the same ones who've had my back before, and the same ones who didn't - I didn't learn my lesson I guess.

There's this incredible sense of loss - loss of a loved one, loss of a person of inspiration, loss of what might have been, loss of a grandparent to my children, loss of my husband's carefree nature, loss of my job, loss of my livelihood, loss of our health insurance in a pandemic, loss of the feeling of inclusion in this country, loss of family support, loss of being a happy mom for my kids, loss of financial stability, and loss of a reliable future.

If I dig really deep, I can see the potential for some gains. I hope this loss will teach us to treasure the moments we have with our loved ones, and to make them count and be enjoyable. To not waste those moments on people that are toxic to us. To stand for what's right and make smart choices. To strive for better situations for ourselves.

When I wrote that post about the sun setting on my career that that there might be dark days ahead as I navigate this - I never imagined this level of grief and pain. It's a weight I didn't expect to bear, at least not now. But there it is - and we have to pick ourselves up and keep working. While the world tries to drag us down, we keep working on the goal and towards that next step. After all, my family and kids' futures depend on it. There's no time to lose, I must get to work.