Grief

 This past week has been a very difficult one for my family. The first part of the hardships was something I was anticipating and was already trying to put a positive outlook on with the help of my gratitude practice. So anyway, that came to fruition, the layoff part. And in the midst of a pandemic, I will be embarking on a job search.

The grief though hit us out of the blue. My father-in-law who had had a health issue over the past few months suddenly took a turn for the worse and within less than a day he was no more. This had my husband in utter grief and me as well. He was a special and unique person, and a great father in law to have - kind, welcoming, intelligent, and for me the best part was he made me feel welcome and important. I'm really going to miss him.

I'm also now manning the ship at home with just me and the kids and it's been crazy. I've spent the weekend crying with my toddler being the one to comfort me and say "please don't cry". I am feeling terrible for my husband who was always trying so much to be everything for everyone to a fault. He really didn't deserve this sorrow, he deserved tons of happiness and an easy life.

So in the midst of our grief, I decided to write because of a few reasons.

1. The 28-day gratitude practice that I followed ended mid-week last week, and shortly after our lives came crumbling down. Did I not do it correctly? Was I "tempting fate" to be thankful for these things that hadn't happened and "will them to happen" and then not have them happen? Or do I draw the conclusion that this was beyond any of our control and the only way out of it is to continue gratitude and being thankful?

2. I am glad that I reached a point that I was actually grateful for everything we had and have and was thankful for them when I had them.

3. The job search is daunting. My biggest fear is what if I start spiraling (already am) and not be able to come out this. I'm trying to regroup and keep working hard. But at the same time I would like to allow myself to feel my feelings and "sit it out". I really don't know where I'm going with all this.

4. I don't care anymore about politics, racism, social justice, pandemic, all of it. I mean, I know these are valid issues and deserve to be solved - but I feel helpless and cannot devote headspace to them. It's only caused us worry and sadness and none of it is getting better, just worse.

5. I started running and was really fit after all that swimming over the summer. Now - I can't bring myself to even down a cup of coffee and cant sleep, cant eat, nothing. It's awful going through grief and constant tears.

6. I will just hope for some peace for the family. 

7. My job was a source of stress for me, for my husband and for my kids. They've only known a stressed mom and I think they deserve better. They are still young and have had lots of love so I think they're okay, but I need to do better. While life stresses are going to come and go, this was one constant and extreme that was toxic and I'll have to see what it does to me to be free from it.

With that I'll sign off. Solo parenting and running the house is going to be hard. I'll also have to figure out all my legal paperwork and health insurance and do all of that. I hope husband is safe from exposure and has strength. My heart just hurts thinking about him and the pain he is going through. I suppose if we were to feel grateful for something, it is to have people we love like that in our lives. I really am thankful for him.