How to keep going through hard times

 The title of this post sounds like I have all the answers and I'm going to provide a five point plan on how to succeed through life's challenges! Well, that's far from it. I think where my head is at is "how do people do it?" and "I hope that if I just keep going, maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel?"

The pandemic reached worrisome and anxiety-inducing levels these past months in India and for all of us sitting in the US glued to our WhatsApp messages. Our work did not miss a beat and did not fail to keep the pressure at an all time high so there was that. And we threw ourselves into the only way we know to cope which is to power through and double down on all of our efforts to keep the boat afloat. Then since we were really running out of energy, we also started back up our fitness (we never really stop but there are bouts of more and less that we go through, and this period saw the "more" happen).

Then we had another few setbacks related to family travel, and health, and work. All the big ones right? But we have to step back, keep things in perspective and keep going.

There's lots of positives and silver linings and we don't need to look very far to find them.

I'll show you how I do mine, but first I need to lay out the negatives to get it out and make space for the positives to (hopefully) occupy a more dominant space in my mind.

- Work has been extra demanding for both of us. There are others in the company with way lower pressure and high position jobs - why are we always at the "other" and more difficult side of things? Leveling is always something I have to grapple with and am deeply disappointed by. I'm not convinced if this is the right place for me or where I should go next.

- Kids. They are great and we love them. They are also so difficult. I don't have a way to get through to my son. He tests me so much, he doesn't listen to me. He pushes all the limits constantly. He loves me hard. But he pushes the limits again. Hits and kicks. Appears to be destructive, but it's really more of curiosity. He's incredibly intelligent. He's also bored - he's never been in school, never been socialized, he's never even been to a grocery store or any store for that matter. I'm sure he has no recollection of restaurants, or travel or anything else. If we took him to the city, his mind would be blown. But he's so high energy, he's always getting into stuff. Yesterday, he climbed up a stool and lunged forward to swing onto a dreamcatcher I had hanging in my closets since 2005, broke it (thankfully didn't hurt himself). I screamed at him and he cried. This was right after we discovered he'd damaged the roof of my daughter's dollhouse by fiddling with it and the wood had chipped off the side. He got a stern talking to, and I'm sure he didn't even understand why but he said he was sorry and he wouldn't do it again. I feel like such a miserable failure not to teach him right and teach him with love, to let him be who he is, and to make him happy, to build on his personality. And as for me, it's not even so much about the things he breaks, but I am so helpless that I cannot talk to him right. He also cannot stand it that I'm sad or that anyone is sad, and to get us to snap out of it, he acts out again, rinse and repeat. I know, parenting books, yeah I'm reading. He's so amazing though, and I feel incredibly small and powerless. And then he says he loves me and that I'm the best, and with those hugs and that smile - it's just to die for. 

- Other kid - oh how much I dismiss her. She's amazing, kind, super intelligent and talented. She's always nice, even if others are mean to her. She's extremely perceptive and gets right to heart of an issue. She names her feelings spot on. Even if it's unjustified, she explains things perfectly. Such as "I just got irritated when I saw her. She didn't do anything today, but she was wearing a princess dress and I got jealous. She's mean to me sometimes, but I don't want to be like that, I want to be nice. It was frustrating".  I've been dismissing her feelings a lot even when she literally spells them out for me and gives me so many heads up that she needs me. She's also the queen of meltdown central, and when that train leaves the station there's no stopping it, I end up hopping on board as well because she can get me really riled up, and then it's just drama all around. We walk away and regroup later in the day and it's all smiles and hugs. And she tells me how I'm the best mama, and that she doesn't know how she would manage if I wasn't her mama, and that I'm a champion superhero (her words, I never use that sort of language!) and she teaches me quite a bit about nature, art, science and many other things she already knows much better than me at age 5. 

- Ok so bottom line is I need to do better with my kids and hopefully, I'm not half bad because they are at least intelligent and empathetic, but the areas we need to work on are  - more social activities, rule following, them learning how to manage their feelings, us being more validating of their feelings, and learning how to de-escalate meltdowns.

- Health, family, grief, travel, extended family, family conflicts, and more. There are setbacks we have had and it's hard to move forward from them. This takes up so much headspace but I'm not comfortable sharing here.

- Our own health and well being. We never get to relax. We are always stressed. Even a trip to beach involves us being tired, stressed and drained by the time we leave our front door. So much yelling, so much nagging, so much prep, and we don't even have a baby anymore, they're 5 and almost 3.

Positives

- supportive family

- challenging work and field

- company is actually okay - there's annoyances but overall the people are down to earth and not arrogant. There's lots to learn and it's interesting.

- Work in our field is rewarding in some ways.

- Home setup - we're comfortable. Plenty of green spaces nearby, beaches and open spaces driving distance, trails and hikes to do in the neighborhood and locally, and lots of activities we can do of all kinds - right at our fingertips.

- Our county's vax status is at 80% of those above 12 yo (first dose) and 74% of 12 and over (both doses). So that's a relief and cases are okay for now, but we know that it's the calm before the storm. So we are trying to do more for the month of July since we have a small window. Hope that doesn't backfire.

- Started reading a bit and singing again.

- Started new fitness goals. Walking quite a bit more and swimming a lot which I love love love.

- Daughter's learning to swim and I couldn't be more proud.

- Son's showing interest in biking and hopefully will get a new bike for his birthday.

- We've had health issues and injuries but hoping we can get past them with home care and exercises.

- Food is yummy - our local selection is so great, husband is such a great cook and our meals are delicious plus we eat super healthy. Really glad on that front.

- The van is ready for camping! And I hope we get to do some of it soon, after we heal a bit more.

- I moved past a job loss, in a pandemic, and upgraded my career in most aspects in a single move - that's pretty badass. 

- With all the disappointment and rehashing I go through regarding my job loss (it still lingers), I have to remember the above and that I had multiple job offers to choose from afterwards. I know this means nothing by itself, but it's just a reminder to myself to keep up my self confidence and stop doubting and blaming myself. Besides, at my old job, it really was over long before it was over. I acknowledge that it was a tough time, and I don't consider it "the best thing that happened" or anything, far from it in fact. But at least I was able to place one foot in front of the next and take a step from there.

- Now everytime I try to move past the struggling phase, I have a setback, so I guess it's okay to be okay with where I am, where we are and keep doing the things and keep going. Keep learning has always been key for me, and when the learning stops the living stops, so that's going to be what I do. 

- Music. I'm kind of running on empty. Listening to the same old. Singing at times but not really feeling it. Need to find something new.

It's still Slowdive and Sleep is playing in loop as I type this:

I can see you laughing
Through dreams of perfect sleep
Sleep away from me
You know what's in my mind
When you go I'm crying
Dream dream away from me

Cheers to two years!

This blog is two years old! I'm glad to have been writing on and off all this while. It's a good way to have some chronicles of what we've been up to, even if some of them may be ramblings. It's also helped me do work and family blogs and communicate better in writing, as well as participate in online forums - all part of my self expression goals!

My second post (or first real post) was this one:

https://shoegazingdays.blogspot.com/2019/06/the-fear-of-mediocrity.html

The fear of mediocrity - it's funny how some things stay the same. I'm still observing this phenomenon and pondering about it. I'd like to think that I'm not mediocre, but who knows, maybe I am to some. The quotes from Good Omens still crack me up, and to mark the occasion of my two year blogiversary, I got myself my very own copy of the book!

My goal for the summer is just to read this one book! Oh I have plenty of other goals that are more lofty I suppose, but this one is so important to me.

Some of the others that I am doing with ease so far - swimming. Been going for almost a week. Clean eating - going strong for the past year. Dairy free - going well. Working my way forward in my career - work in progress, easier said than done (and quite demotivating at times). Trying to find joy in things - also a work in progress - but I am getting better at enjoying things in the moment and saving the worries for another time.

We're also excited today because we took the first step towards (hopefully) having many camper adventures. Oof I drove like 130 miles today on my own one way, and rode another 130 on the way up. But it was good to get out and embark on one of our crazy adventures again.

Other things I am excited about - I ordered a new pair of swimming goggles. For someone who loves swimming so much, it's surprising that this is my very first pair. My daughter's swim coach  two years back recommended to me that I swim with goggles on to protect my eyes. Last year, I borrowed my husband's old (ancient) pair and this year after going everyday for a week and swimming about 100 laps in total, I rewarded myself with a book (Good Omens), a swim shirt and a pair of goggles.

This is the one I got. So excited. https://tinyurl.com/wwubsjyt

Lots of events in the recent past - husband's birthday was quite a success (the cake I baked came out delicious and the gifts were on point), we had a great long weekend by going to the pool everyday, and kids started playing with each other (touch wood, fingers crossed). I am now fully vaccinated and starting swimming the very next day after the two weeks were up post second shot. We're also being given a choice to wfh or go in, and for now I'm hoping to stay remote. Some setbacks on the work front and childcare front but I don't want to color this post with that, I hope we can cross those bridges when we get to them. Anxiety says hello anyway.

Oh - I'm also a bit further along in my natural skin care journey. Skin care routine consists of washing with soap and water and using jojoba oil to moisturize. Hair care consists of Trader Joes Tea Tree Tingle Shampoo and As I Am Coconut Cowash. I also went zero waste on another product so that helps. Neither my hair or skin are in great shape but I don't want to keep thinking of myself as missing the boat on all these wonderful makeup and skin care routines (that I don't even know how to do), and want to be content in keeping it simple. A vaccination celebration was a trip that we made to Trader Joes. We bought all the things! And are now back to hermititude.

So cheers to two years! 

Yay hey, it's May

This is from one of my daughter's book series called "Jake and the Never Land Pirates". They go "Yo ho! Let's go", or "Yay hey, no way!" which I got reminded of when I realized that it is May and I haven't yet posted this month.

Things have been moving along here. I've finished about three months at my new job and accomplished a LOT in this time. I am pretty well known in the team already and have visibility across teams and management. This is all very good but the frustration is there. I was hired at a junior level, but the responsibilities and expectations are even higher than that of the "senior" (more like mediocre) level folks.

Oh well. I need to not take it too seriously and to give what's expected of me, and do a sincere job. My problem is I get too carried away, take things to heart and get passionate about what I am working on. This doesn't align because someone with a big fancy title walks all over it and I don't get much of a say, so I think "why bother" and take a step back. At this point, I'm consciously trying not to give my best because it's not worth it. Then I realize that if my position is not fueling my passion in the job and is in fact suppressing that passion, to the detriment of the company even, then the whole structure is messed up. And I need to start looking at my job differently and not let it define me. It's a place where I can give what is expected of me and get the skills I'd need for my next job, which *hopefully* can fuel that passion AND be rewarding.

Oh the elusive job satisfaction.

Anyway, part of my worries is how to be assertive. Every time I do it at work, something arises on the health anxiety front with myself or family and that puts me in an anxious loop. Then I think that I'll just let this one go and be "doormatish" and "non confrontational" again since my health and anxieties take the top spot. I also start rationalizing -- will speaking up even change anything or am I just wasting my energy? Maybe this is the same story at any job, and "pushing back" and being more assertive are part of this competitive industry. And on goes the negativity from my job which can be quite draining. It's hard to remain grounded in all of that.

And somewhere along the way I realize -- oh wait! What's that? Positive thoughts? We need those? Health, immune system, kids picking up on our vibes, etc. Hmm wait, so we have to force ourselves to be happy cheerful selves since there is so much doom and gloom around and we need to "think positive" to beat these tough times .....

Yes I know that there is truth to that. But first, let's acknowledge in big words - All of this sucks.

And next, on to what we can and cannot change -

Job stuff - just gain the experience, cash the check and move on. It's not worth investing time into what this might be, it isn't gonna be more than it is today. They showed me who they are, now I need to see it.

Health stuff for family - keep the positive energy and prayers up and sit tight, regular calls and follow all guidelines and hope it will be okay. Acknowledge that it is a worrisome time for all. The next few days are extremely worrisome and each day is nerve wracking.

Health stuff - keep doing what we're doing. Stay home, stay distanced, etc. We're almost all the way vaccinated (so inching along there) and kids are doing well with all their activities at home.

Family stuff - lots of negative energy, negligence, mean-spiritedness and more happening and we are in constant worry about extended family. Firstly we are praying for the health of everyone involved and that is biggest and most prominent. Secondly, I am trying to think about my beloved grandfather and what he would have wanted in this situation since he is no more, and try to do what I think would be his will.

Okay that was a whole lot of rambling but it felt good to get off my chest.

Off to be productive again. This is what I'm gonna do

- Do those mockups

- Write a paper

- Make some beautiful slides

- Record a kickass demo

Life in the past few weeks

 Work has become extremely busy. Empowering to an extent and demanding as hell.

Today I got my first jab of the microchip. I am now officially being controlled by Bill Gates...but I guess I was not supposed to say that. Oops!

So we haven't decided how life for us is going to look after being fully vaccinated. We are leaning towards still staying pretty isolated, but maybe venturing out into a store for groceries on occasion and not being too worried about some of our errands.

Other than that, we hope to continue working from home as long as they will let us. And we would like to keep our kids home too.

We've been able to do our hikes and beach trips and hope we can continue with those. I am waiting also for the pool to open for the summer by which time I'll be vaccinated.

It's now about 6 hours post jab and I have arm pain, headache (who was I kidding, I always get one) and dizziness and fatigue. So off to the couch I go!

Career obsession and health

 I'm sure we have all heard it all before. Work life balance is the term for it but at the root of it, all of us want to be fulfilled in our personal lives, our interests, our families and our careers. 

In my case, I have done what I can regarding self care and self reflection. My career woes go down several years, and while it's been mostly positive in terms of how interesting I find my job and the money earned, there have been some issues that have been front and center for me for years.

Enter health anxiety and worries for mine and my families' health. All of the work stuff fades in comparison. But every time I take a mental break from the health anxiety, the work anxiety says "hello!". 

I've now to find a good strategy to keep both of them at bay, or at least to manage them. So it's time to list the positives and negatives I suppose, and hope that brings me a balanced perspective. I do not want to fly off the handle about my job or remain career obsessed, even though I am pretty ambitious.

Negatives:

- I came in to this job at the wrong job title. It is usually for those early in career, and this means that I have some climbing to do. 

- Of course, the responsibilities are still being assigned based on my experience which is mid-senior level.

- This causes frustration and is something I'm not able to shake off. I hate, I repeat, absolutely hate, working for that elusive promotion. Been there, done that for the past 9ish years - moving goalposts, discrimination, reorgs, and more - I can just list a long list of reasons why that can happen again.

- The workload I'm assigned seems to be unfairly distributed (in my opinion). I'm the newbie, that gets the leftover features, the problematic features and somehow even the bulk of the features while being assigned a "junior" position, and somehow I'm supposed to be motivated to prove myself - I wanted that promotion right?

- I'm still salty about the fact that I had a bait and switch done on me - and that this promotion was actually not supposed to be in the picture. I actually was down-leveled at hire and therefore was reset a couple of years probably.

Positives

Okay so that seemed pretty bad but it was good to get it off my chest. Here are the positives:

- Got a new job, without much of a break. Got a severance package that still has a few months to go. So I get double salary for a few.

- My pay is almost a time and a half more than my last job.

- New company, leader in its field, new technology - all exciting stuff

- New role, which really opens up many many doors for me

- Down to earth colleagues - such a change from the toxic arrogant environment I was working in

- Opportunities to work on stuff I'm interested in and stepping stone for better roles

- Very well respected company and combined with my past experience, my resume is absolutely powerful.

- I still have another job lead for a company I wanted to work for that is putting my application on hold. I've already interviewed there and gotten through 3 rounds. So it's a matter of resuming the process if and when I'm ready - so I already have my next gig lined up.

- Some really nice people I get to work with.

- Manager is friendly, supportive and down to earth. Such a change from the very arrogant and sneaky past experience.

Alright, I should not think too much and go with the flow. Learn as much as possible, enjoy it while I can and enjoy my family when I can as well. We also have a new nanny so we can finally focus again and hope that this new dynamic works for our family and for her.

Back to health and family - keep doing things to keep those in good shape. 

Signing off. 

Marching on

It's been a busy time here at home. We're working, taking care of kids, mental health is shot with no rest. We realized how deep into it we were when after several difficult nights of toddler not sleeping well, we had one night that he slept until 6 and we woke up feeling like brand new people.

Anyway, it appears that our kids are going through some big feelings around life. They miss their nanny, seeing family and friends, their grandpa, and are worried about their other grandparents, as well as us. We had tinnitus flare ups that got us down and upset our kids. My husband and I are worriers by nature and over-thinkers about our life, work, etc. And I think this stress sort of rubs off on the kids.

Anyway, after years of beating ourselves up about our work style - I feel that screw it. It's unique, it's good to care, it's a positive quality to want to be as detailed as possible in our work, and to be cooperative rather than manipulative/aggressive. Unfortunately this sometimes doesn't serve us well in our competitive and cut throat careers, but that's a balance we will need to find. But maybe we can try and find it without changing who we fundamentally are? Wishful or naive thinking or realistic goal? There's still room to grow and things to learn about work personalities. 

It's a bit hard to wrap our minds around the Covid situation. Vaccinations are going on, and things are opening up. But the situation is still pretty bad the world over? Some people are just done and going on as if nothing happened. Others like us are so isolated, we feel like we live on a different planet compared to some others. And so much is up in the air still with all the variants going around and unknowns about vaccines, as well as how to get the pandemic under control.

My work is a mixed bag. I'm realizing I have been extremely fortunate to get this job and that it could be quite empowering if I am able to do it well. But I also get these frequent feelings of being undervalued, and I am not sure how much of it is valid to be frank. I've been battered and bruised, but on the other hand I can recognize the signs well? I want to trust my instincts more and second guess myself less and see how it serves me.

This month will bring a new nanny and my birthday... trying to look forward to things, but really we are just so tired. Maybe when our kid finally sleeps well, is when we can rest. Our ped suggested a sleep consultant and we can probably look into that. I am pretty sure that I can go back to journal entries as far as five years back and find "I hope our sleep issues improve" about the kids. It's been what now, five, six years? Oof! 

I've fallen off the shoegaze wagon, for some reason. After all the events of the past few months, I no longer have favorites that are stuck in my mind. Maybe that's why I also feel quite blah. But as I write this, and think about how much we've achieved and overcome, maybe that's something to feel thankful and satisfied about. With that, let's roll into the weekend.

Some sunny days

A lot has happened since my last post. 

Here in the US, there is a new administration and the relief we are feeling is only now showing in our stress levels. Yes, there's an extent to which politics is not in tune with our daily struggles, but for the most part, the things that this President is doing are very reassuring and in the right direction. The daily stress from all of that is no longer there, which lets us focus on other things...which brings us to:

The pandemic. With all the lockdowns in our area the cases are going down, however just today I read that the CDC forecasts a spike in March due to all the variants. Meanwhile many people in my family threw caution to the wind and gathered with no precautions in India - which affected me even though I'm so far away. It's very weird reconciling these feelings. Some of us are extremely isolated even though we don't really like it, and we choose to continue to isolate. And I worry that the small allowances we give ourselves for things we deem necessary (like a nanny for a few hours in a day to let us focus on work), may be the risk that gets us. It's really hard to have to worry about all of the exposure, while so many don't bother and don't seem to be affected. It's the Murphy's law and fear of what will happen to us careful ones...

On the home front, our dear nanny and friend is now safely with her family and we miss her so. We've identified someone to join us but it won't be for a few more weeks. This also works out for us since we planned to be extra prudent during February to mid-March - I always pay special caution to this time of year since flu shots are wearing off, people have winter fatigue and illnesses float around, even pre-Covid. 

I started my new job and it's actually been quite a relief. I didn't realize how much I didn't like the phase when I wasn't working. I think I'm someone that needs to be working, at least at the present time in my life. I realized from talking with many prior colleagues what a big step forward my new job is from what I was doing and that's quite empowering. Maybe the reasons I shared in my previous post were holding me back from appreciating it (and those reasons are still valid), but I think I feel a lot better about the job situation even though the position I'm in isn't ideal in a few ways (nothing major, I think most companies have a few things that take getting used to).

So things are moving along. The kids are doing okay but it's quite a bit of effort taking care of them - they act out since they realize that our focus is elsewhere. Sometimes I wonder if we should just give in and focus on them, kind of let work take a backseat. But then my ambition and drive and interest in work comes back (same with my husband) and we get sucked in - I think since both of us enjoy our work, there's always that new idea we want to explore and we can't really disconnect.

A friend commented today that I look like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders and indeed it is, with my new job. It's actually in an area that I really like - I'm just wondering (and hoping) that I am able to step into it and take off - something I've been trying to do for a really long time and not completely succeeding at. We'll see where this one goes.

Oh, and back to the title of this post. Today was a nice pleasant warm day and I was sunning myself in the garden, when my daughter remarked "Mom, you look like you're at the beach". After many weeks of rains, the sun poked out again. I think that we have at least a week of sunny days ahead of us. There have been some high levels of humidity and strong winds that remind us we are still in winter and also continue to be in dark times. Just learning to appreciate the pockets of light in between. And of course, the fact that we are in California means that the winter is relatively mild to begin with.

My arm pain has returned (ulnar neuropathy and tendinitis) and ouch is it painful. Trying to go along and hope it eases off on its own. I finished the 30 days of yoga diligently and have stopped since I started the job...have to figure out a way to resume once we are in a regular schedule again.

We go up, we go down

Back to blogging. This is going to be another dear diary....and once I process these feelings I may get back to better posts!

My days here have been a roller coaster. I've had some good moments, but haven't been feeling great, and I don't know why.

I'll write the negative first, I suppose.

- My job search ended, I got a job. It's great in many many ways. But it isn't the best. And somehow instead of feeling grateful, I'm feeling sad. There was a let down towards the end that may have something to do with it. Anyway I haven't yet started, so we'll see.

- My other job I wanted hasn't panned out yet, and I'm not sure if it is going to be a missed opportunity. Timing didn't work out great.

- Nanny is leaving and we're going to miss her in more ways than one.

- I'm still feeling feelings of loss and missing family. It's hard to reconcile these feelings. Wanted some good times, carefree times but that feels so out of reach.

- Worried about my daughter - some health and behavioral issues cropped up this month

- Feeling quite upset, but I don't know why.

So let's go to the positive.

- No longer in the job market! I got three offers and chose the best one. New beginnings, potential, learnings, and stability in the time of a pandemic. Financially it worked out well for our family. I know it's a big accomplishment, even if I am being hard on myself.

- My job search and career coach reminded me that I am a valuable candidate. I should remember this if I decide to interview again, which is likely since I'm only mid-career.

- My gut feelings are spot on, and I needn't rationalize away others' behavior but instead can go with my initial impression

- Looking forward to some better weather, more family time just the four of us, and maybe some relaxation

- Realize that the job situation is only temporary. Once I'm in something, I'll have a different perspective and can grow from there.

- New president, administration, hopefully we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

- Finished 20 days of yoga this January. 10 more to go. Been doing walks and sunlight and all the good stuff.

- Getting organized in the home. 

A look back at my self-expression milestones and where they leave me

After writing the last post which was honestly written in a moment of feeling blah, I went back and read my January 1st post from last year. I had set out with a few goals around self-expression and had taken on a new project: network programmability. With this new chapter, I had set myself some personal and professional goals. 

Surprisingly I hit all of my goals in the self-expression category! Well maybe not too surprising, because I very consciously worked on them over the year. I hit many of my goals for self-expression, most notable being my technical blogs at work and my family blogs. I always have a soft spot for this blog, but no-one in IRL reads it, and I think it's still a bit too raw and journal-like. But I love it nonetheless. The professional blogs were a joy to work on, and I learnt so much from the process. I really enjoyed writing them and was able to promote my work, my company, technology and myself. I am hopeful that those efforts are still helping me during my current search.

This brings me to my word of the year. I was toying around with positivity, self-assurance and confidence. I hesitate to use the first and last among these words because of my anxiety. What if I state that from here on I'm a positive and confident woman - start practicing it - and get cocky and bam! some misfortune hits. See how my anxiety works? So self-assurance is sort of the safe word there that lets me get the idea across but still keeps me grounded, like it's a good quality to have for ourselves. Where I really want it to go is 

-- To be more carefree around my family. To let them see me laugh, to stop obsessively worrying (yes, worries will be there), to let burdens roll off my back a bit more easily and to stop taking on others' baggage. 

-- To feel empowered at work. I really hope that this is something that works out for me. I am seeking it out but it is also very situational in nature.

-- To let myself enjoy things a bit more. Find more pleasure in the activities we do and the good moments. Make the highs feel higher, essentially, so I can ride on them for longer.

-- To continue yoga and breathing because that's what it's all about.

-- To read and learn a ton because knowledge and diligence are extremely empowering to me and drive me forward.

-- To keep regular stock of things I've made progress on to feel more self confident. 

-- To work on a cleaner and more organized home. I think storage space and organizing is where I need to focus this effort on.

With that, let's bid this post adieu and hope that I can tackle these tasks one by one.

January Post

It's the evening of January 2nd as I type this. It's been a strange week for us where one day sort of merged into the next and we lost track of time. I suppose that's a good thing because we spent so much quality time together, just the four of us.

Our weeks were extremely busy, with my job interviews and follow-up taking most of my time in December including the early part of Christmas week and this past week. I've learnt a lot through this process and have been working double shift, it feels like, since the hiring process is long drawn and multi stage in my field.

On the home front, we celebrated Christmas in a very low-key manner. We bought a tree just three days before Christmas and decorated it in the garden. The decorations remained up only for a few days since it was scheduled to rain. We have been enjoying the tree in our garden still, minus all the decorations (I kind of like it this way). We had gifts for the kids as well as each other. We didn't do any special meal or cookies or desserts and it was such a relief! But we ended up spending so much time together, playing, walks, relaxing and talking.

As usual, I don't really feel the need to mark the new year with a lot of lofty goals, and don't really believe that "2020 is over" really matters. For one, nothing really changed between Dec 31 and Jan 1 other than the calendar. And for another, most of the people ranting about how bad 2020 was with quarantine, were mostly inconvenienced and didn't experience irrecoverable loss or grief. I can't imagine people who experienced loss saying "thank goodness that terrible 2020 is behind us, happy 2021!" Because the loss remains, as does the gaping hole it leaves. 

But with all that said, I do understand the need to have hope. To feel like we're turning the symbolic page to new beginnings and plans. I don't think there's much of a difference between resolutions and goals but I think we all have things we want to try to change. 

I'm trying to do the 30 day yoga journey again this year. Let's see how it goes. There are a lot of things up in the air for us and I am working on them one at a time. I'll have to try to be more positive and less anxious through it all when I can. 

So here goes, this post was a bit of nothing really, but I felt like writing since it's been a while. January and the winter in general are really tough months for all of us, so I am going to go one step at a time and my next target is to get through the next week. There's even been a lull in music for me, I've been listening to the same old same old and so I have nothing new to add.

Looking for inspiration with music and books at the moment.

Nerves and Knots

 As the end of the year draws to a close, many are lost in Christmas-related activities, looking forward to some downtime and harboring hope for the new year.

Over here, it's been a mish mash of a bunch of things. We are trying to get some Christmas things going - gifts for the kids, crafts (which I didn't do any of myself), gifts for friends and family's kids. I suppose there will be downtime as well and thinking of the new year.

But when you're in the midst of a job search, and doing it in the midst of grief and a pandemic, everything else is a distant second. I can only long for a scenario of having only "regular" problems brought in with social distancing, lack of activities, work-life balance and irritable kids. But instead I seem to be living on a different plane altogether, and trying to still keep day to day going.

Kids' books come to the rescue for me. Often when I'm reading to my daughter at night, those few minutes of reading a story are my solace in the day. Snuggling close to her, the day's heavy lifting done and getting lost in a book are a very comforting feeling. Most of the time, I read on auto-pilot while my mind is racing about a job, but some elements of the story still seep into my consciousness. There are then the morals that come with these stories that stick with me through my tough moments during the day.

"How I long to sail", said the tiny snail.

This was one of the quotes that inspired me about a year ago. But today, it's another line from the same book (The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson) that sticks with me:

"I must not fail", said the tiny snail. 

This is the determination with which I handled one particularly grueling set of interviews. It is nerve racking going through the process - initially just giving it a shot, then crossing a hurdle, starting to have hope and worried it will get shot down, and then continuing to keep going. My fear is to get into something that I don't enjoy or that is a negative for me in the overall scheme of things. Just be focused on what you really want right? Well, I am to an extent. I've done all the homework it was possible to do beforehand, but while in the middle of the job search, I've also have to refine my goals. This led to me pursuing things I later felt I was not a good fit for, and also leading me to question how much I should delve into this idea of a "good job", and the big what-if, what if I don't get the job I want.

It's a process that often has my stomach in knots but I turn to one of my daughter's books again. "I didn't look up, I didn't look down. I just kept going, one step at a time, until I was no longer afraid". - After the Fall (the story of how Humpty Dumpty got back up again).

So with that, I guess I'll just keep going. And prepare for the next step ahead.