Sunsets and new dawns

We were back at Half Moon Bay this past Friday. In the middle of a change of seasons and the Autumn Equinox with the full moon looming near, the water was a bit tumultuous. The waves came in from several different directions, and with varying intensities. It was as if the ocean was being a bit whimsical or quirky. To me it spelled "winds of change".

As we were grappling the waves, ushering our kids towards safety and stepping gingerly in the icy cold water when we could to have a bit of fun, we almost didn't notice the spectacular sun. It shone bright in a perfect circle. It created a gorgeous splash of colors in the sky. And as we watched, we could see the rapid descent of the sun over the horizon. We could see it literally go in from a full orb to half. That's when I started filming. It went from half-in-half-out to completely gone in a minute and forty seconds! A spectacular sunset indeed.

After the sun went down, it became dark fairly quickly. We packed the kids up and strapped them comfortably in their carseats. The night was quite dark by this time (I often think that winter nights are darker than summer nights). I took the wheel and began the treacherous drive up winding roads with oncoming traffic on one side and narrow precipices on the other, requiring my full concentration to cross the mountains before merging back onto our multi-lane 280 for the drive home.

All of this happened rather suddenly and unassumingly. But metaphorically it was significant for me. Because on Friday, I completed the last of my activities that I'd planned for my job. It feels like the close of the chapter at my current place of work (over a decade) and at the point that I start looking for my next career move. With much soul searching and a multitude of reasons, I've come to realize that it's time to turn the page, and it's probably best that I come to this conclusion myself rather than have it thrust upon me. So this was the sun going down on my career at my current job.

There would undoubtedly be some dark winding roads that came along with it. But it allows me to wake up to something new.

The next morning I woke up to a fresh dawn and did my last swim of the season before the Cabana club closed. 30 laps! A record for me. And with that, I take a deep breath, brace myself and take a step forward in my quest for that elusive dream job. I hope I don't fall down too hard, sincerely. And I hope that I am able to find my way again. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that I can weather this storm and come out on the other side safe and intact, and ready to thrive.

On anxiety and beyond

I used to say that August is my least favorite month. But I don't even know anymore. I used to be indifferent towards summer, but nowadays I actually kind of prefer summer to other seasons. But I don't know about that either. When the whole year is a ball of stress, seasons and months just seem to blur together.

I have had quite a lot of anxiety over the years and especially during the year 2018 (and a few months before and after). It was triggered by a series of health and family events. I've had an added layer of career related anxiety on top of it, or maybe even at the root of it like a counselor had once theorized. I've always been prone to bouts of anxiety but this past year has been all about identifying triggers, putting coping mechanisms into place, and finding ways to keep going and finding joy even while living with anxiety.

I think that the idea that helped me the most is that the goal is not to get rid of anxiety, but rather to find a way to manage it. This thought was freeing, since for those of us with anxiety we tend to go in an infinite loop - what if getting rid of anxiety is a bad thing? What if that anxiety is actually helping something? What if getting rid of it makes us overconfident and arrogant and invites negative incidents, and so on. But having it stop us from doing the things we need to do to succeed creates more anxiety since we remain in this uneasy inertia of stagnation. The idea of managing it is that we accept that it's around (almost like a familiar known face in our lives), that it serves some purpose (maybe keeping us humble, or grounded, or whatever) AND that it doesn't cause debilitating issues - that we can still lead a fulfilled, happy, successful, productive and well-rounded life. It also makes us more vulnerable and relatable as people, and empathy and caring are what humanity is all about.

I'm quite proud of the strides that I have made in the past year. I have managed to keep my kids home and also my career going. I have been able to support my spouse through a major career change. I have been able to reenter society and socializing to an extent. I have been able to get back into the swing of things with my job. This blog and a few other interests of mine (like music, yoga, swimming) have really helped me blossom. My situation hasn't really changed but I have. The anxiety is there too, underscoring everything, and often making me pause but at least I've been able to keep on moving (thankfully).

Now to get on to the question: how to live with anxiety, but also be positive? I'd like to be someone that invites positivity into our lives, sort of like the law of attraction. It's a fine balance. I find that when anxiety rears its ugly head, it helps me to vocalize it or verbalize it. I do that by confiding to my husband or writing it down (in my journal and sometimes in this blog). I acknowledge it and put it out in the open. And then I try to find something positive to think about and vocalize that as well. It helps me a great deal and I can do more of this (the positive ones) all the while never dismissing the anxiety when it comes, and overall I find myself in a better state of mind.

So at the moment, what am I anxious about?

- My job and stagnation in my career. 

- How sometimes whatever I do at work seems to be a lost cause (not recognized)

- My husband's feeling down

- My kids and their health and behavior

- All of our health - general and Covid

- Our families' health

- Finances

- How other people get to me and live in my head and I'm not able to give them less headspace

- My struggle to express myself often when I have a dissenting opinion - related to self worth perhaps?

- Oh there's a lot more, but let's leave it with these top few

What are the things that excite me?

- Our trip to Half Moon Bay on Friday at dusk - seeing the ocean again, that gorgeous sunlight on the grey water, cloudy skies, slightly chill and foggy weather. My favorite beach weather. It crosses over into a transcendental realm for me. I am lost in this world, partly meditating and partly with music playing in my head. The air and mist around me puts me into a momentary state of bliss. I sometimes sense a wave of transformation and changed perspectives. Yes, this place is and has always been special to me. I didn't realize how much I had missed it when I was back there for the first time this year. Spontaneous trips sometimes turn out well.

- My success with blogging, network automation, finding my clan in the networking world that is outside the bubble of my team, and being seen. It's been great.

- Finding joy in my work. It's been so rewarding and exciting that I am hungry for more. 

- My husband's support. When I told him that this space I'm working in is very crowded and there are hundreds of people who've been working in it for way longer than me, he replied: Yes, but if you start looking for quality work, you'll find there are very few. 

That was reassuring, and also fired me up to focus on quality and not compromise on that when I am working on something new. It's not easy to stand out, we have to put in the work. But if we have the ability to come up with quality work, then that itself is something to feel fortunate about. Being able to have that laser focus again is really exciting.

- Kids are doing well and I am proud of them. I would actually like to be more like them, and it makes me realize that that is a good reflection of ourselves. It is a good reminder to be kinder to ourselves and give ourselves more credit. To watch them thrive, have hugs throughout the day and be free from mom-guilt since we're together at home with no plans to check off is quite satisfying.

- I've been doing great health wise. Yes there is that nagging sore throat, arm pain and other issue that worries me, but overall, I am fit, have lost all the baby weight and more, and am feeling strong. I did 24 laps of swimming for my son's 2nd birthday, one lap for every month. I've been eating healthy, and have been doing some form of exercise all of 2020: with yoga, walks, hikes, swimming. I'm also constantly on my feet running behind an active toddler and lifting him at times.

- All of the above helps with my mental wellbeing to a great extent, and I am proud to have come this far. 

- The fact that I was able to keep my son home for his first two years of his life and be around myself. The time between 6 mo and 18 mo had me shuttling between the office and home but I spent a good part of my day at home with him, and breastfed him the whole time (still do). Not that that is necessary but it felt good to do it for me nonetheless, with the idea of added immunity to him and me, not to mention all the time and money saved on formula and bottles, and my not being much of a fan of dairy based milk. I've invested a lot into breastfeeding and have gotten tremendous returns.

- Yes, I've also been dairy free for almost a year! 2 more months to go. I started off for health reasons and environmental/animal welfare reasons (treading lightly on both counts) and for as long as I can go, I'll stay with plant based alternatives. They make me feel much better overall and I don't miss dairy in the least. I also don't fuss too much about it, like I'll eat the occasional item with butter in it (maybe a couple of times a month), and don't ask others to cater to my dairy-free-ness outside of my own home. At some point, I'd like to remove chicken from my diet but I'm not ready for that yet. 

- Some of the silver linings in the pandemic-driven work environment. I get to attend virtual conferences from home, without having to decide if leaving kids to travel is worth it. I get to fall back on technical content that I create from home, without worrying about physically being at an event to network. All that socializing being virtual and the lack of having to be in the office is a boon for me. No more dealing with traffic, distractions, keeping up appearances, being "seen" at work, etc.

- I've enjoyed all the great music I've discovered in these past few months (shoegaze, dream pop). It's the soundtrack playing in my mind as I work and make new strides, or when I feel a bit discouraged and contemplative and it helps to keep my thoughts flowing and keep me moving.

- My swims. I love that 3 minute early morning walk to the pool. It's my time and makes me feel pumped up. The delicious feeling of the water as I swim. All the ideas that come to me as I enjoy the views around me between laps. The feeling of having worked out and feeling sharp and fit. That sense of accomplishment as I complete my goal # of laps. Having 45 minutes all to myself and for myself. Showering and being ready for the day by 8:30. Allergies being under control. Being able to focus during the day.

Well, what do you know? I ended up writing paragraphs and paragraphs about the positives, and I'd like to get back to work on that note. Let's get this next blog (the technical one) done.

Souvlaki Space Station (Slowdive)

Closed doors brings open minds 

(And I don't want to see you) 

See you smile inside 

(And I don't want to know you)

Just a single post for July

It's been over a month since I've written here, but I haven't stopped blogging.

My big news is that I published my first technical blog on my company website. It's been a huge effort for me, and has been enjoyable, exciting, anxiety-inducing at times, and a learning experience, but it went off very well. I received a ton of visibility with over 2500 views from people in different companies. It's been great to be appreciated by people I don't even know.

Now to get to the revelations

1. I've still got it. I have to brush up on a lot of technical skills, but I can do it, and be good and even better than the average out there.

2. I got a comment that my article was VERY well written and technically great, and it is rare to have a strong combination of the two. The good news that the experts in this technology only have a few years' head start than me. My overall technical background in my field is already strong. So I think that if I stick to this for a couple of years, I can become an expert in this particular area. 

3. I felt excited and enthusiastic about work again and couldn't wait to get started each day. I have a plan for the next few months and a ton of stuff I can get done (if given the chance).

4. Many of the people I work with are truly creating a toxic work culture. I have to drown out the noise, and keep my focus. There is a lot of pettiness, drama and exclusive clubs that hold the reins and suppress all the others. My blog helped me to shine outside of this umbrella and they couldn't stop me (which they had succeeded in doing all these years, sadly).

5. I really don't want to engage in conflict with them or really give it too much headspace (I still struggle with this) because of all the negative karma that my anxiety convinces me that will bring. So I've been nothing but polite and deferential through this process to all of these people. But I think it is grinding their gears even more.

6. The racism and discrimination around me continues to bother me but I have to keep my focus and really shine, and then there will no choice but to appreciate me (by someone, anyone).

7. There's a lot of interesting stuff out there, and good people too. I've just been in this sad little bubble for so long, I lost sight of that.

8. I felt as if I was on mute all this while and am finding my voice again. Reading about racism and privilege these past few months has actually helped me feel validated and helped me refocus my efforts into my work, with a fire lit under me not just to shine but to dazzle.

9. I did my bit with the social media stuff - Twitter this time, and LinkedIn. It's ok, I can actually keep up with it and not get consumed by it. It's the sweet spot where you're not a nobody on social media and have a decent presence, but you're not someone with thousands of followers either, because that shows that you give it way too much importance and are on it a lot. So I suppose I'm cool like that ;)

10. The part that I struggle with is to dwell on things and people's opinions. To over-think and let it fester in my mind. I  have to overcome a lifetime of being undermined, and anxiety about consequences both direct and indirect from speaking up. Part of me finding my voice is learning the skills to say my piece after giving it sufficient thought, and then turning the page rather than obsessing about it. Also to learn to accept dissenting voices and not to let it get to me. To master that skill of indifference when treated poorly by someone and moving on to people who matter. I'll take tips on this if anyone has suggestions.

On the home front, my baby turned two and that was our big milestone. His birthday was perfect with new clothes, toys, a splash pad and a cake that my daughter and I baked and my husband and I frosted. Yummy chocolate cake with Swiss meringue buttercream. It was moist, not too sweet and delectable! All of us enjoyed it. We had mini toasts to go along with it, with red pepper spread and black olive spread.

I'm so excited about all this learning and the progress I'm making, the collaborations I am fostering at work and for the path ahead. I hope I can keep my focus and they let me do my thing, even if they don't help me. Just let me do it please. Please and thank you. 

That's July. We've still not been to see family or to the beach, we're staying home and kids are enjoying themselves.

I almost forgot - all of this focus and control has only been made possible because I started swimming again. I go thrice a week at 7 am to an outdoor pool in my neighborhood (3 min walk) with a reservation system for a lane so there are a max of 5 people on the property at a given time. It's been so great. I hope it stays safe and I can continue it. With that, I'll leave you with Breather from Chapterhouse and go back to my project! Fingers crossed.

Breather - Chapterhouse

Please me, make me happy
Breather, sleeper
Make me happy
Misty, crystal
Blister, eternal
Soft and liquid in the light
Secret otherworldly sight
Passing time in black and white
If only i could dream tonight
On my own
Teenage lessons set me right
Taught me how to dream tonight
Love me warm in cold daylight
Soft as skin and safe inside
Smother silky sin so fine
Make believe that you are mine
On my own
Tears and sorrow set me right
Taught me how to dream tonight

And there we are, wrapping up June

As the month comes to an end, I realize how we've had shifting priorities throughout this time. I met a few milestones this month so I'll record them here - a work anniversary, a blogiversary and a few more such events.

The shift for us has been a heavy focus on work this month. As the county around us opened up and with people ever eager to go out and socialize, we have seen a steep climb in cases in the US. We are also quite worried about the cases in Bangalore and how the healthcare system is overwhelmed.

As an added layer comes all the discussions on racism and equity that are going on around us. In the mix is the political climate to contend with. Sometimes all of it feels like too much. Other times, there seems to be a ray of hope.

I felt a bit defeated and dejected this past weekend. At some level it feels pointless and like nothing will ever change. That we will continue to be where we are and things are getting progressively worse. That racism will always be there and even things like "equal pay" will apply only to the select few. I am worried about how the health crisis will unfold. It is all looking fairly grim at the moment.

For now, the only thing we can do is put our heads down and get to work. We can follow all the "best practices" for our health and keep going, building those skills while we have the time to do so. Knowledge is power and brings with it a certain amount of self confidence. And besides, focusing on work and learning serves as a small respite from the constant deluge of negative news around us.

On the bright side, I discovered Chapterhouse and it's been a breath of fresh air. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PsN_DfnHQU

Pearl - by Chapterhouse

Circle of color
Beautiful girl
Daughter of yellow
Mother of pearl

I used to know her
She gave me the time
Then she just left me
I thought she was mine

On my mind, liquid pearl
Coolest blue, fire world

But I can't seem to
Change her mind

Programmability - what's it all about?

These past few weeks have been very busy for me with work. I got into my groove at work with my new topic of network programmability.

Well, to start with the word programmability - what's it all about? It's about making something programmable, that is for something to be capable of being programmed. So what is being programmed or a program, really? It is a plan of action to a specific end, and a schedule of procedures to be followed.

Most people are familiar with computer programming and writing code. But when you think of networks and making them programmable, it is often tricky to put pieces of the puzzle together. Do you take someone who knows how to code, and ask them to write code for a networking project? I would say no. Do you silo the networking elements and the programmatic elements and hope that you can make them work together? Also, no.

Most networking devices are built with hardware and software. When we talk about network programmability, we're NOT talking about device software. Rather, we are talking about how to use tools and scripts to get meaningful data from networks, and organize this data and manipulate it in the best way possible. In my experience, it takes someone with a solid foundation in networking to figure this out.

Learning to code is something that many of us know and many do not. I did it almost two decades ago, but haven't done a whole lot since. However, I feel that with time and dedication, anyone can learn programming - to an extent. You don't have to have a lot of foundational skills to be able to code. Disclaimer: I am not talking about programming as a job or a career, since that does have huge complexity and requires foundational training. I am talking about learning to program as a tool such as for a blog, a script, etc. It's about syntax and logic and taking care of all scenarios. I do think that one can pick up coding at any age. Side note: I think it's quite unnecessary for kids to learn Python or coding as an extracurricular - why not follow some other interest that would evoke fond childhood memories, and learn your programming language of choice when you're 16 or 21 or whenever (or never)? Now to proceed..

Learning networking is a bigger challenge in my opinion. There are many who work in networking but only scratch the surface. What I found is that in order to do network programmability and do it well, you need to go deep. You need practical examples of networking to understand it well. For me, the key in network programmability is to understand the A to Z and to be able to put it all together - a proper workflow - from a network engineer's perspective. There is a lot of work done in DevOps and it is mostly done by developers. Many have foundational network skills, and have written a lot of code themselves. It is daunting to enter this world, and navigate through all the content. But I still feel that there is a lack of practical networking applications and a networking perspective on it.

In my personal learning journey, I started off a blank slate - well not blank, I should give myself more credit than that. But more or less not very aware of programmability topics. But now it is starting to make sense, and I have all this knowledge that is not documented anywhere. I've had to refer to obscure blogs (not this one, thank you very much), dig deep into config guides and more or less figure it out on the fly as I worked on it (with help).

So now the question is - what do I do with this information? I want to write - blogs, papers, presentations. I want to make videos. I want to try out all my ideas and create. I have a fire lit and I am not sure where to take it. BUT - I am still at the very beginning in a field that is already pretty mature. Covid and childcare and all of our worries are always around, ready to change things in a heartbeat. This always gives me pause in making plans and getting ahead of myself. Anxiety is ready and waiting to kick in. But while I am at it, I really want to make a playbook for network programmability.

I'll use this in my life lessons as well. When something feels daunting, take it apart. What is the goal? How can I start with just a small step? What will I learn when I do this one task - and do it myself from beginning to end? It is going to start to fall into place. Then I can start making a map or a procedure. Share my knowledge - even if with myself - and see where it leads. Recently, I came across a topic that I had learnt and forgotten, and was able to refer to study slides that I had made for myself and have it click again. I want to do more of this, and even share it with a wider audience.

This is something I read recently that is important to remember - "not letting anyone tell me that I'm not good enough". I know, caveats and all, and this needs to be in context. But it's something that spoke to me. I hope that I can keep on going with passion and dogged determination. Staying humble and treating all as equals. But also not falling down too hard if I receive discouragement, but to brush it off and keep my focus. Don't we all?

On BLM and racism

Racism has been on all of our minds and everyone is at a different point in their self-awareness journey on race and privilege. I've got a lot of things to say, and am reading daily and learning more during this time. I've always been actively reading and forming my personal opinions on equity, at least for the past ten years. But there also comes a point when you want to do something about it, and for me that means to speak up more.

Right now, it seems to be the thing to do for every company to denounce the current acts of police brutality and to stand with Black Lives Matter. It is almost a check mark at this time. Every influencer and small business on social media appear to be obliged to show a front to their customers. “I stand with Black people (let’s ignore the fact that I don’t have diverse employees myself), now please buy from my shop!” 

They go on to say, "We've had raw conversations and have taken the first steps to heal, now it is time for action", and pledge their donations or propose policy changes. It's kind of a day late and dollar short, isn't it? I don't think the Black community are at the "healing" stage yet, and you (general you) don't get to decide how they feel.

Our industry is now in the process of changing the language used in technical terms. Things like whitelist and master/slave terminology in computers and networking are being removed. I have always cringed at these terms and wonder why it took company mandates for people to stop using them.

On the other side of the coin are the ones who are saying nothing. Yes, some people “don’t do politics”. People are busy. But I hope many recognize their race-based privilege in being able to go on with their day to day lives, their hobbies, their work, and their busy schedules without missing a beat and not being completely affected and overwhelmed these past few weeks.  

Racism exists all over the world. It is time for country leadership and company leadership to do more than denounce it. This week, many companies provided trainings and resources to employees. They feel that they are doing their part. But, don’t teach it once and call it a day. It needs to be comprehensive and repeated often. Every company needs way more diverse and equitable leadership, because white people trying to come up with a solution just isn’t cutting it. Enough with the figurehead positions for Black people and POC.

Sometimes, I am frustrated at my lack of being seen as a peer at work. This week, instead of breaking my head trying to figure out yet another strategy for not being walked all over, I felt like I needed to speak up. This is unlike me and my people-pleasing non-confrontational self, but I realize that the change needs to begin within us. We have to stop asking for a seat at the table and start expecting it. I drafted an email outlining my thoughts, but it gave me so much anxiety and sleepless nights that I never hit send, and even stopped editing and drafting and burying myself in my regular work. On the other hand, painful reminders of my plight are bombarding me everyday and it is difficult to ignore. But the seeds have been planted, my thoughts are getting organized, and if and when I am ready, I can choose to hit "Send".

As a non-Black POC I am not claiming to empathize with the plight of the Black community. I can only relate to some extent on experiencing racism because of my brown skin, and to having privilege over other groups in my race on account of my background and upbringing in India. Two sides of the coin, so to speak.

Recently, I read about a race-motivated incident in my neighborhood. My husband was disturbed by it, but as for me? I was not terribly surprised and just felt it is another of those situations that we need to map out beforehand how we would respond if we're ever faced with it. It was another family like mine where the woman was Indian (I think) and the man was white. Apparently he got harassed on the street with racist comments. There was an outpouring of support for this family, which was good. But it bothered me that people instantly "approved of" this family where the man happened to be white. No one said "did you do something to provoke this?" and "there are two sides to every story" like they do with other race-motivated attacks. A few were quick to dismiss the racist guy as "mentally ill". 

It is frustrating, but at the same time, as more of these incidents come to light, I hope we start making steps towards progress. 

I am really tired of the people to whom this is all new and who are trying to be showboat allies. I've faced permanent consequences of my race in my life and career and people think they can just wake up one day and show compassion. No, I don't need you to chaperone me in my own neighborhood. I need workplaces to treat us all fairly. We need complete and total police reform - a rip and replace. It's made me very emotional to read about these dads that are being taken from their families and to to have people still clinging to their own misguided beliefs.

On to resources and responses that I could resonate with:

We had an inspiring guest speaker speak to us recently: Bryan Stevenson. He is a prominent American civil rights attorney and has written a best-selling book called “Just Mercy”. In this memoir, he talks about how he appealed the case of Walter McMillian, an African American who was wrongfully convicted and sentenced on a murder charge. There is also a film made about it and it is available for free in the month of June: https://www.justmercyfilm.com/https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7MxXxFu6fI

A few world leaders (Trudeau, Merkel) have talked about how racism exists in their own countries and I think people the world over are making small steps towards a better society.

I liked Ben and Jerry’s statement. While many companies are only now saying “We stand with our Black employees”, Ben and Jerry’s is way ahead of the game and essentially saying “We gotta smash white supremacy”:

https://www.benjerry.com/about-us/media-center/dismantle-white-supremacy

(Eat all their icecream...)

The younger generation seem to be working for a more equitable future. 

The changes are beginning with awareness and education. Let's see how they go with action. I wonder if more people like Alexis Ohanian will step aside to make room for POC. 

I look at my daughter, and I feel this intense anguish at what she might have to go through in life because of her race. I have hope though that our kids' lives will be better than ours. And to all those people reminiscing fondly about their childhoods and how things used to be so much better - no, they really did not. There was discrimination, hate, sexism, homophobia and racism that ran rampant. Every day and every year we are getting just a little better in our society and I hope that we are able to overcome these problems eventually.

Finding my voice

Shoegazing Days is one year old! This is a milestone for me and I'm so happy that I have been able to write this long. It has helped me in the quest to find my voice and speak up, even if it is on a relatively obscure blog such as this one (there I go self deprecating again). Anyway, I hope any of you reading along will join in this celebration with me.

I’ve always been caught up in a dichotomy between speaking up and staying quiet. I can justify both of these choices with surprising ease. I’ve been through the back and forth constantly in my mind for decades!

Regarding speaking up – I tend to think things through a lot and often land somewhere with a strong opinion. I do a lot of reading online and am quite passionate about things like equity for all and have always been. But I tend to appear mild-tempered and neutral on the outside. As we know, neutral is not good when there’s a clear right and wrong. I need to speak up more with my goal of self-expression this year and find my voice.

Regarding staying quiet – this is where my anxiety comes in. I’ve always had a lot of anxiety and speaking up takes up mental energy, especially if it involves standing up against an injustice. This is both draining and contributes to some negative energy or karma coming my way (in my mind). It causes anxiety to rear its ugly head, and make me wonder about what might happen as a result of all of speaking up and if I was better off keeping quiet. I’ve often deliberated if something was worth ruffling feathers and a lot of these feelings are rooted in a lack of confidence and insecurity.

To clarify, I’ve always been able to express myself with ease when it is about something technical or travel-related, for example. It’s the personal and creative expression, and whether to share my opinion or not that are the problem for me.

I know the answer to all of this is: “Moderation, I say” (my late grandfather's wise words), and landing somewhere in between. But it is also a sliding scale and I want to push my limits just a little further over time, as I become more confident in expressing my views and more hardened to criticism. I talk about it often with my husband and realized that staying silent definitely isn’t compatible with where I want to be. I think that expressing myself and learning to do so with ease definitely brings growth.

Another revelation is that those of us who find our voice after struggling to do so, tend to be very strong and relatable when we finally “come out”.

With public speaking: Back when I was 16 and in pre-university college, I stuttered through an embarrassing “declamation” in front of a group of students amongst whom I was definitely a misfit. It made me hide in my corner for years when it came to public speaking and get very nervous when it became a part of my job years later. But now, after doing it for a decade and with global audiences big and small on a wide range of topics, I don’t fear it beyond the usual normal nerves before a big talk. I went through a coaching session and my main takeaway was that I am fine. A lot of public speaking is also about being able to relate to people, and I find that I can do this well. Making eye contact and speaking directly to people is something that comes naturally to me. Yet, people who know me for a short while do not believe that I've traveled the world and have been invited to speak at conferences from all across Europe to Australia to Latin America! (I live in the US). When I feel nervous, I have to remind myself firstly that it is normal, and secondly that I've conducted week-long trainings, done video recordings, and have even stood up in front of a roomful of 300 attendees that paid to attend a session I was presenting for two whole hours! It wasn't a small feat since the person who created the technology I was presenting was actually at the back of the room and watching me present, and I didn't bomb it after all. On the contrary, there was a picture of me in action taken and a tweet that went out about it (wish I could find it now). It was intimidating for sure, and I don't want to downplay the mess I would be in for weeks before an event (and even after, because of those damn scores). But I still went and stood up on stage and and spoke while being projected across wall panels and answering questions while pacing the hall and I came out of it relatively unscathed. That's a win in my book.

With writing: I am the same person who wrote an essay for my English exam in 8th standard and had the English teacher approach me to write for the school magazine. I was sure she’d forget about it and just avoided eye contact all year long. It took her complaining about me to my mom at the parent-teacher conference and my mom forcing me to write it for me to actually do so. After it was published, I hid the magazine from my cousins and other family members because I was so embarrassed about my writing. Well, it’s only taken two decades and writing a few journal papers, a thesis and a dozen publications for me to realize that writing and posting my views is something I’m okay with.

With singing: We used to have singing class in school and an annual exam where we had to follow the teacher by sitting next to her as she played the piano while we sang back the notes to her. After one exam, my teacher yelled at me “Why aren’t you in the choir?”. I waited a whole year for her to repeat that statement, and then nervously went for an audition. I sang in the choir for four years but made sure to blend in and not stand out. The same thing happened in college where a band member seeked me out after I sang in a college competition to audition for a band. After singing in a band for years in front of even a cricket stadium of 22000 and having a CD released, I finally accepted that I could “sing”. I was often pushed aside since I lacked the attitude that involved dominating the room while I was singing: lovely voice but not confident enough was a common criticism. Then, when I was in Houston, I was in this weird mental space where I was able to take the initiative to join the choir but lacked the confidence to stand out yet again. This choir was made up of confident white Americans  with good voices and talented Black Americans with voices from heaven and I was the only immigrant and only brown person, oh I just wanted to hide in a corner and sing. But because I was short in stature and an alto, I suffered through the first row in the choir for two years. I'd look down and see my old worn out shoes that I didn't have the money to replace and see the girl next to me who wore "fancy flip flops with pedicured nails" (yes, that's a thing in Texas) and wish that the ground would swallow me up.

About a year back when shoegaze spoke to me, I realized that this was the missing piece all along. Why did I let myself be bullied into singing Shania Twain for years in the band when 1. I couldn't and cannot stand country music 2. That singing style and attitude is just not me ? I listen to shoegaze and notice the artists getting lost in the music. I watch Rachel (of Slowdive) putting herself on video and she's just herself - no makeup, no fancy attitude, just a normal person. And it is so attractive, and they are so talented! Yes I know, Bowie is the opposite, but his showmanship was very unique and characteristic and that is amazing – he was being his authentic self - not like all of those myriad hard rock bands that do the same song and dance as one another on stage.

Now that I'm finding my voice, I'll try to be more candid and outspoken in my future posts.

My headache remedies

I've been a migraine sufferer for about 15 years. I have been through the phases of taking regular painkillers, prescription medication, identifying triggers, and taking preventative medication for the first few years. Bio-feedback was something that was suggested to me but I never tried it. I also did massages and acupuncture. After a point, I decided to ditch all medication and alternative treatments and learn how to live with and manage my headaches through lifestyle changes.

What type of migraines do I get?

Mine last for several days and involve heavy head and pain all over my head, visual aura and light sensitivity, neck pain and stiffness, occasional upset stomach and sometimes nausea. I also get what I call "frog eyes" where my eyes start to bulge and change shape a bit. On the cognitive side, I usually can continue to function well for important tasks that require my concentration. However, it's the simple decision-making that I struggle with - should we eat now or later? Should I go for a walk or rest? Things like that. It's hard to explain, but if an important work assignment or activity is going on, I can think through it 100% and work the same as I do without a migraine. It's the seemingly unimportant decision-making that screws me up. My aura consists of visual disturbances but I don't see blind spots or flashes of light. During the prodromal phase (the hours or day before the migraine starts), I feel unusually energetic or excited, along with a feeling of hygge.

What is the origin of my migraines?

Well, firstly, mine are genetic. My dad and many relatives on his side of the family are migraine sufferers. I watched my dad deal with them for decades. He treated his headaches by powering through with medication, both preventative and during a headache. He doesn't focus on food triggers which he finds too restrictive to be helpful. Both of these are things I am trying not to do.  I am trying not to take medication and to pay a lot of attention to what I eat. I do have to power through mine as well, though. There's a special kind of endurance that can only be attributed to migraine sufferers. Secondly, the onset of my migraines about 15 years ago happened during the first winter I spent in the US, in Texas. It could have been a combination of the change in food and the weather that brought it on.

What are my triggers?

Here is a list of all my triggers:
1. Food: cheese, red wine, avocados, lentils
2. Weather changes: a couple of days before the weather changes from sunny to cloudy, rainy or cold is usually my trigger point. Pressure changes in the weather might be the cause of this.
3. Stress release: I used to go through years of Saturday morning headaches since this was my stress release point. I also get triggered when any stressful event is eased up.
4. Sleep changes: sleeping more or less amounts than usual.
5. Stress: Goes with point #3, but this is too vague of a reason to be useful.
6. Menstrual migraines: these are easy because I know a cause and an end date for them and that I just need to power through the days in between.
7. Bright lights and strong smells: Ugh. Perfumes and bleach are both my nemeses. Malls aren't a place I ever want to go to.  Enough said.
8. Sometimes dehydration or forgetting to drink enough water during a hot day.

How do I treat my headaches?

Here is my step-by-step plan of dealing with chronic migraines.  These are steps I follow at the onset of a headache.

Step 1. Identify the trigger: Was it a food item? Weather change or other? Once I've done this, I can stop stressing about the question "Why did I get a headache?" and the dismayed feeling that comes along with it.

Step 2. Take some time in a quiet, dark room to recharge. Dim the lights in my home wherever possible.

Step 3. If it's early on in the headache, I sometimes take an Ibuprofen. I do this if I feel that the headache is going to be done and I can move on with my life. But I've tried to avoid pain medication as well.

Step 4. Warm water foot soak. I sometimes use epsom salts or a couple of drops of lavender oil in the bath. I occasionally do the foot soak with a cold pack on the back of my neck at the same time.

Step 5. Hot steamy shower to relax shoulders and neck and get moisture flowing through my sinuses.

Step 6. Yoga, especially for headaches. Alternate nostril breathing and neck stretches. Positions with head down. Improving overall circulation. Cat cow pose. I like to follow Yoga with Adriene's headache videos. Pranayama and shavasana.

Step 7. Rest but don't sleep too much.

Step 8. Drink lots of water for hydration

Step 9. Hot tea. I like to boil water with cumin seeds, ginger, pepper and turmeric, strain and drink. This clears out sinuses and nasal passages. I also inhale the steam of this tea while the spices are in the boiling water

Step 10. Some *weird* remedies, like garlic. I peel a clove of garlic, and chop it up into small pieces. Then I swallow them like pills with water.

Step 11: If it's possible to have caffeine, I drink a cup of coffee. This is only possible for me in the mornings though, due to my current sleep situation with my toddler.

Step 12: I "heal" myself or ask for healing through Reiki. This works for me. The way I do it for myself is to rub my hands together, then place my hands on the part of my body that is hurting. I visualize the pain draining out of my body and vanishing deep into the ground or far out into space. I also do this by walking on grass barefoot (grounding) or hugging trees and visualizing the negative energy leaving my body, and positive healing coming in. It's strange, but my hands are very receptive to this and I can feel warmth right away either from the trees or once I place my (mostly left) hand on an area I am trying to heal. This method has elements of Reiki, visualization, nurturing of self, and the law of attraction in it.


Rinse and repeat steps as needed.

What do I do to prevent migraines?

1. Eat a diet that avoids all triggers. I've even gone dairy-free and I think it helps.
2. Try to regulate stresses and take care of my general well being.
3. Daily yoga
4. Exercise with walks
5. Journaling and gratitude logs
6. Sunlight and Vitamin D
7. Pretend that the headache doesn't exist!
8. Drink coffee in the morning
9. Avoid harsh lights and smells
10. Drink lots of water
11. Listen to shoegaze! Such a perfect genre for migraine sufferers. Ha, you thought I wouldn't sneak that in somehow?!

What music may help?

Whatever you like, but for me it's something like this:

Slomo - by Slowdive


Give me your love, it's a curious love
Give me your heart, it's a curious thing
Our lady of the shipwreck is
Running thru the storm
Her skirts blown back, hands to the fore

My love and I go
It's a curious woe
Like dreamers at dawn
Awake but not yet
You give me your heart
It's a curious thing
Give me your love
It's a curious love

Transmission - what it means today

The word "transmission" could spark different thoughts in each of us. To me, it signifies transmission of electromagnetic waves from transmitter to receiver like in a radio or television, or Tx and Rx of packets from sender to receiver, also known as source to destination, in networks.

Today is the 18th of May and is significant to me because it is my grandfather's birthday. He was a big source of transmission of knowledge, life lessons and values to me. It is also the anniversary of Ian Curtis of Joy Division's passing, which brings the song "Transmission" to the forefront.

Transmission, as we are painfully aware of in today's world, refers to transmission of the virus from person to person, or community spread, the thing that the whole world is working on to combat. Transmission also brings to mind motor vehicle transmission to me, something my grandfather was passionate about. We happen to be working on getting one of our old cars operational again this week in time for a drive for my husband's birthday. It's another one of those examples of how everything in life is intertwined and related.

As for me, I am going to listen to Transmission by Joy Division on full blast, to try to drown out some of the voices of dissent for the world's lockdown, and focus on work today. I'm going to work on transmission of telemetry data. I hope to restart my yoga and go for a drive in honor of my grandfather. I am not going to stress about when I do it, but I know I will get to it soon. I suppose with this, I'll hit all modes of transmission this week.

About the lockdown, I still believe it was the right thing to do and for the most part was implemented well. I even believe it should continue until the testing and tracing is in place. I agree with how our governor Gavin Newsom has handled the crisis so far. My stressors are for the people that complain about it, and are not worrying about containing the virus. The ones that will go out without any precautions and put hundreds of others in harm's way. I shake my head at people's view of "freedom". It is almost as if people are fighting for their freedom to go out and get infected. They complain about not being able to buy clothes, not being able to eat at restaurants, and claim to want to support local businesses but are actually just bored. All of a sudden, mental health is becoming important to those who dismissed it before. They organize protests and petitions to protect our kids' mental health by doing drive by car parades, and give them the prom and graduation experience they deserve...aren't there other ways of taking care of our teenagers' and all of our mental health, that do not involve large gatherings?

At the core of all this, many are are realizing that their choice of place to live and their choice of profession is not compatible with the pandemic. They rant against the lockdowns, thinking that if only the lockdown is lifted they could have their old lives again. They regret shunning those "office jobs" in place of pursuing a freelance job. Their small businesses are sadly not sustainable during this time, and they are turning back to IT or office jobs that they don't enjoy. They are mad at "techies" for having those jobs...never mind that the tech industry is what is enabling the world to work from home, and remain connected through it all, even giving those very same people a platform to rant on. Besides, many "techies" put in decades of study and work to build these products, and often live in VHCOL areas with its own set of financial worries. Who is to say if this is temporary and those small businesses can thrive again, leading to a happy set of people? Who knows where the corporate world is headed? We don't even know how temporary or permanent these changes are going to be.

Many people think they are the only group who are wronged and want to "open up the economy". Sure, allowing people to shop, attend religious services, have social gatherings and eat at restaurants during a pandemic will definitely restore incomes to pre-pandemic levels. Not. How about we acknowledge that all of our professions are important? That we need small businesses, freelance jobs, the tech industry, construction, artists, retail, the service industry, as well as several more, to remain a fully functioning society? Besides, within every industry, there is such a broad range of people in it.

The feelings are real but the current state of affairs is just so unfortunate. I don't think that those who seem to be "less affected" are really privileged or spared from all this, to be honest. All of us worked towards and made choices that have landed us in perhaps differing circumstances. But even as well situated as a person may appear, they may still be affected by the virus or the pandemic in devastating ways. My hope is that everyone focuses on how we can actually contain the virus, and get from one day to the next as a society.

For today though, please listen to this song below very, very loud. Thank you!

Transmission - Joy Division

Radio, live transmission
Radio, live transmission
Listen to the silence, let it ring on
Eyes, dark grey lenses, frightened of the Sun

We would have a fine time living in the night
Left to blind destruction, waiting for our sight
We would go on as though nothing was wrong
Hide from these days, we remained all alone

Staying in the same place, just staying out the time
Touching from a distance, further all the time

Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance to the radio
Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance to the radio
Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance to the radio
Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance to the radio

Oh hey, it's May

I just realized that I hadn't posted at all this month. We are almost at mid-May. The past few weeks haven't been great, to be honest. We started working on getting our toddler to sleep through the night. With this neither my husband nor me have been sleeping well. He takes on night duty but gives the baby to me very early in the morning. I sleep pretty late by the time the house work is done and other kid is in bed. So in all, I don't get much sleep. Add in sleep deprivation for my husband in the day, and I am carrying an extra load there too.

Why are we still doing it? The only benefit we found is that toddler seems to be sleeping decently. He also doesn't need to be fed at night which is a big deal to me. My nursing cycle seems to have adjusted to this more or less. He also hasn't been complaining if my husband goes to him at night instead of me. So in all, maybe this is the best we can get with our kids being poor sleepers? I know, its the parents' fault and all that. But I guess this may be the best we can hope to achieve.

So that leaves us with some recovery to do. We are wondering what our nanny's return to work may look like, and when to safely do so in order for all parties to be comfortable with it. There's no good answer, and we've explored all the laws and benefits we may apply for as well. The short answer is that we need childcare at some point, so we can focus on our work and our health, but need to determine when we are willing to open ourselves up and her to that risk of resuming work. It all comes down to achieving that delicate balance between health, convenience and finances.

Mother's Day was nice. I got flowers from husband and daughter, and a little craft that she did. She sang me a song, we had ice cream together and played with the kids in the garden. Husband made a nice brunch of eggs, salad, toast and a dinner of thai curry chicken and rice. It was very special indeed.

Work awaits me, and I still have this big problem and question mark surrounding it on how I will take my career forward and whether I will be able to do so.

While I started off saying it hasn't been great, it has actually been quite alright. I haven't managed to do my daily yoga, which is why I might be feeling "off". We definitely had some good moments in there, including family walks, good weather, a few nights of good sleep in between and catching up with friends over the phone or video.

In other news, we had been enjoying Kraftwerk these past few days. My toddler got hooked to it, after I happened to play it one day. After a few days of listening to them on loop, we were sad to learn the news about Florian Schneider. I came across it in a post about Bowie, who was apparently good friends with them. We listened to Bowie's V-2 Schneider that evening to pay a tribute to both artists. Radioactivity is my toddler's current fave, and Autobahn seemed to be Bowie's. Such a mark some of these artists make on us. I first heard Kraftwerk at a magic show near my home in India when I was a teenager, where the magician did his thing to The Robot!

Gosh, now that I read these lyrics again, it is as if they were talking about Covid-19 here!

Radioactivity by Kraftwerk

Stop radioactivity
Is in the air for you and me
Stop radioactivity
Discovered by Madame Curie

Chain reaction and mutation
Contaminated population
Stop radioactivity
Is in the air for you and me

Radioactivity
Radioactivity

On lows and learning

Sometimes, our day just doesn't go our way. Mine started out alright and I got in my yoga, a walk and about half an hour's work, along with a lot of time with the kids. And then it went downhill. Tired, unproductive, and overwhelmed were the themes of my day since this afternoon. There doesn't seem a recipe for success, we keep stumbling and falling. I know that eventually I will get up and dust myself off and keep going. But sometimes I just need to stay here for a little bit, you know?

Firstly, my home life is off balance. Yeah, pandemic. But even otherwise, sleep has been an issue in forever. Tired zombie days have been aplenty. How have I even remained a functioning person, I sometimes wonder.

There's a trifecta that I need to get working for work. First, I need the time to focus on my work. Second, I need the knowledge and skills for my new project. And third, I need to be given the right opportunities and enabled to succeed (and actually succeed, not just have the tools in place for it). My cup is not full enough on the three aspects or even at a sustainable level. Today's low made this even more apparent to me. Tinnitus and a migraine sneaking in added to my heavy feeling.

But now to get to the learning. I didn't even realize about these three cups that I need filled. I can now break it down. I know what I need to do, even if I don't know how.

The time aspect is something that I will have to change my personality for. I am a pleaser, and tend to feel under-entitled to my time that I spend on work. I have to fix that, and strike up a better balance. I also need to sleep better and find ways to power through the day productively. I have to change some of my habits, like reading less on my phone and working more. And actually working, not just preparing or laying the ground work.

The second aspect is about gaining knowledge and skills for my project. I don't know if I will be able to stay with it until I get good at what I am doing. I do know that I have some abilities and that I have crossed this kind of a bridge before. I just don't know if I can do it anymore. That remains to be seen. Somewhere deep down, really deep, I know that I can do this and I also have a fire lit that makes me want to prove myself to myself. But, so much has changed since the last time I did it, that I don't know if I will do it this time, even if I can.

And the third aspect, I don't have a high level of confidence in. The broader environment and field I am in are great. But within that I am not sure I am set up to shine. But there are some changes going on, so I will have to see how it goes, and if it doesn't go well determine how long I'll be stuck.

With all of these, I am reminded again to be thankful. But I know that it is possible to be thankful, while at the same time identify problems and sort out what can and cannot be fixed.

So that is that. I think this day isn't very salvageable. So I'll just go through the motions and start over tomorrow. Or next week. I feel like a walking zombie. Sleep has been poor. Mental energy has been sucked out. My T is so loud that it is deafening (tinnitus). I'll stop and remind myself that I am still doing a lot, even if it is invisible. And then I'll try again tomorrow.