Nerves and Knots

 As the end of the year draws to a close, many are lost in Christmas-related activities, looking forward to some downtime and harboring hope for the new year.

Over here, it's been a mish mash of a bunch of things. We are trying to get some Christmas things going - gifts for the kids, crafts (which I didn't do any of myself), gifts for friends and family's kids. I suppose there will be downtime as well and thinking of the new year.

But when you're in the midst of a job search, and doing it in the midst of grief and a pandemic, everything else is a distant second. I can only long for a scenario of having only "regular" problems brought in with social distancing, lack of activities, work-life balance and irritable kids. But instead I seem to be living on a different plane altogether, and trying to still keep day to day going.

Kids' books come to the rescue for me. Often when I'm reading to my daughter at night, those few minutes of reading a story are my solace in the day. Snuggling close to her, the day's heavy lifting done and getting lost in a book are a very comforting feeling. Most of the time, I read on auto-pilot while my mind is racing about a job, but some elements of the story still seep into my consciousness. There are then the morals that come with these stories that stick with me through my tough moments during the day.

"How I long to sail", said the tiny snail.

This was one of the quotes that inspired me about a year ago. But today, it's another line from the same book (The Snail and the Whale by Julia Donaldson) that sticks with me:

"I must not fail", said the tiny snail. 

This is the determination with which I handled one particularly grueling set of interviews. It is nerve racking going through the process - initially just giving it a shot, then crossing a hurdle, starting to have hope and worried it will get shot down, and then continuing to keep going. My fear is to get into something that I don't enjoy or that is a negative for me in the overall scheme of things. Just be focused on what you really want right? Well, I am to an extent. I've done all the homework it was possible to do beforehand, but while in the middle of the job search, I've also have to refine my goals. This led to me pursuing things I later felt I was not a good fit for, and also leading me to question how much I should delve into this idea of a "good job", and the big what-if, what if I don't get the job I want.

It's a process that often has my stomach in knots but I turn to one of my daughter's books again. "I didn't look up, I didn't look down. I just kept going, one step at a time, until I was no longer afraid". - After the Fall (the story of how Humpty Dumpty got back up again).

So with that, I guess I'll just keep going. And prepare for the next step ahead.

Celebrate in the midst of uncertainty

 It's really a strange balance when you have kids and have to "life". Ideally, we'd all be immersed in our day to day lives, activities, work and finding things to do together which we enjoy. I think that's the purpose of life, to be able to make a better world for ourselves and others, that we can feel content and fulfilled in.

Well, what do you do when you have to keep things going on for your little ones, but you're breaking into a thousand pieces inside? You make a choice to keep on keeping on. To acknowledge your feelings, and that it's okay to feel worried, anxious, and uneasy in general. And also to remember that you have strength, resiliency and a perspective that allows you to keep your kids' world and yours to an extent with little joys.

So the bad and the good again. The job situation is really stressful. It's beyond debilitating to have to keep these balls in the air, interview (I've had close to 50, between interviews, hiring manager calls, recruiter calls and references/industry contact calls). I've done well on some and poorly on others (actually just one so far, but it's eating at me because it's for a job I really want). It's also nerve wracking to keep all the communication positive, motivated and sincere, when in reality you're struggling with it all. So let's agree that this whole process is not easy, and that it's normal to feel anguish through it all.

The grief and losses and pandemic are just casting a dark feeling over it all, and it's really difficult to plod through these weeks. I remember the summer when I was enjoying my work, loved ones were still with us, my swimming every morning and spending time with the family. It was idyllic when compared to what I'm going through now.

But hey - there's still tons to be grateful for. The fact that I was able to network, interview. The knowledge I've gained through this whole process. The possibilities are still there. And I'm still capable, motivated to be in the field I am in, and willing to be all in and work with a positive attitude.

The kids - well it's one of their birthdays today. I am going to go off to bake a cake. And then bring them some joy with gifts (presents were all handled by my husband and family members, thankfully, and thanks to Amazon). We may do a walk or bike ride or drive through of the neighborhood to check out Christmas lights and decorations. We will fill them with some activities for them to enjoy their holiday season. They're also the ones keeping me and us sane, so really, I have to be grateful for that. Also for my husband, without whose support I would have crumbled at this time. He keeps me afloat literally. 

I've also got a lot of opportunities to learn, grow and prepare and I'm going to make full use of them. I hope that with this, I am able to cross this hurdle and overcome this awful feeling and just be able to have a pleasant day to day again. Yes I know, it's all in my attitude, but I've got to give myself grace on that too.

Choices and consequences

 Good morning blogosphere.

It's been a hectic few weeks, to say the least. I've been busy beyond measure, and running on empty a lot of the time. We're managing to keep the boat afloat at home with the kids, and still do some enjoyable activities with them from time to time. It's exhausting but is also our saving grace and our slice of normalcy in our otherwise rollercoaster life.

I'd done this thing where I listed out some of the negative thoughts on my mind, followed by the positive and seeing where it left me. The idea being not to block out the worries but to give them a space to exist and then move on to the positive things which would hopefully give me a better perspective.

So here goes. What am I worried about?

- The grief from losing two of our loved ones. The permanently altered family landscape. The loss of the loved ones themselves and what might have been. The pain that the rest of the family is going through. The isolation and depressing feeling. The feeling that it will never go away really, to let us feel carefree again.

- The job search. I've been fortunate to have made progress on that front. But the timing is not quite great, I think? The jobs I had my heart set on - I'm at an initial stage of the process so I don't really know if they will pan out. Meanwhile a couple of others are looking promising but I'm not sure they are the right choice for me now. But choices is good, yeah? It is also extremely confusing, stressful and keeps me up at night.

- The worry that I won't be able to be successful in a job, even if I find one. I know I need to buckle up and deal and power through. But it's still scary to embark on something new, in the middle of this pandemic.

- Worries about childcare with our beloved and trusted nanny moving away. I don't even know how to take care of my kids fulltime and work and even begin on the process to find new and safe childcare.

- Worry about the pandemic and safety and health...how things may unfold and this winter ahead and spring, and beyond. I think I've been depressed and I am not sure if I'll get out of it.

- Deja vu of 2017 fall when things started going downhill falling like dominoes. I just want to stop this train of bad stuff and invite some good for a change.

- Worry about my husband coping with the loss, stress of life and hoping we can both come out of it.

That's a lot, to be honest. Let me go on to the positive.

- The outing that husband and I did about a week ago. We went to a beautiful scenic place by the ocean, did a hike in the marsh land, and went back up to the beach to spend a day out. The drive, hike and overall time spent was priceless (sans kids). A bonus was that it took us back to a time a few years back, when many things were right in our world.

- I cut my kids' hair and it turned out great. It's such a relief to be able to do that and for them to look well taken care of

- Gifts and plans for my daughter's birthday. While we will be spending it at home, with just us, she is excited and we managed to get her things (along with family sending some) that will fill her with joy.

- Hopefully a financial benefit, with all the severance and possibilities.

- The ability to get a break from the toxicity that was my last job. To be free from it all. To be moving towards something better and not settling for being treated less than. To be free from the hypocrisy and struggle of having to motivate myself despite everything around me. To also end on a semi-supportive note.

- To be isolated and not have to deal with worries about gatherings during this time. To be in semi lockdown to feel a bit safer

- To have opportunities for jobs even during the pandemic

- I'm glad that I am someone who thinks things through without getting flustered and does what I think and not what others do (these were not my own words but reminded to me by a relative). That I am smart and have a lot of work experience.

- I am glad that I have loving supportive family and friends.

- I am glad to be exited and passionate about the field I am working in, and learning new things still excites me.

- I am glad to be able to put things in perspective, that I think things through with their potential, their value and not just a superficial view of things.

- I am glad to have possibilities to explore with my spouse living in a great place, with opportunities here in the US, maybe even in Europe at some point. I've got a great multicultural background that I get to live everyday instead of just looking at from the outside. The ability to pick up new languages, new skills, live a colorful life with a variety of activities and interests. The ability to go against the grain - I've done it before, many times, to power through adversity even while feeling every bit of the pain because I care, and the possibility to arrive at a solution that works the best for all involved.

- I have the ability to be a good source of comfort and advice to my friends and family. To put things in perspective and encourage them. To love them and cheer them on in ways unique to our relationship. To be a pillar of support.

- I have lots of things I enjoy. From cups of coffee, to hikes, to reading books to music to singing. From traveling to dreaming and all things in between. From enjoying working, truly being excited about it, to making strides in what I'm doing, to helping make a difference to others. 

- I have the ability to be a great manager/boss for example, to my nanny. I've taken steps to thank her for her service and support her in her next venture, and be a support to her in her life because she's the same for me.

- I have a lot of potential in my kids which I'm grateful for. Being a mixed family sets us apart a little bit not just because of the basics but because we live our different cultures everyday. We hope we can come up with the best of both worlds and all others as well and give them an opportunity to catapult themselves into a happy and enriching life.

- I have the humility to know my limitations and also know when to highlight my strengths and when to retreat, to be a listener and to choose my words carefully when I speak. I've also got the ability to reach out and speak to a range of people.

- I've got the values that people want to work with. The cooperative, sincere, motivated, humble, striving for intelligence, and being fair and equitable. 

- I know that my walks, yoga, journaling, hikes, running and eventually maybe swimming (summer) are all going to help my mental health. I also have ways to work on technical topics to help myself stay motivated. 

- I have a supportive husband whom I'm grateful to have by my side while making these hard decisions about career, the ability to change gears if things don't work out (being in the silicon valley), and the gut feeling that I have to fall back on or lead me forward whichever that may be.

- In all, I know I'm in a great place to come out of this hole. I am doing the work. I don't have a crystal ball to say how and when that may happen but I can only try and have to keep the faith that it will all work out. 

My anxiety is ramping up

 These past few weeks have been really trying. There have been some ups for sure, but we have had a few tragedies and it's a hard pill to swallow. After my father in law's passing, we went through a few weeks of tough times - with the sadness, the separation, the longing for what might have been and managing the day to day through it all, in the middle of a pandemic.

Thankfully my husband's international travel went ok - but we had to deal with potential lockdowns, paperwork, many precautionary Covid tests, masks, quarantines, me solo parenting and working, and lots of isolation (for him, on both sides of the trip). We made it through all of that, and then I focused on my job search.

I was making progress on that front and as my last day of work approached, I fell into quite a lot of moping and frustration. Then on my last day of work, after I had finally signed papers and logged off - I cried it out. As I was just preparing to turn the page starting the following day, we got some devastating news from India and grief and tragedy struck again.

I've been in a state of shock and not really processing it all. At the same time, I've had job related meetings and interviews that I've put up a front for. Tomorrow I have to present to a panel for a job. It's all so surreal. I haven't prepared nearly as much as I need to. I realized that with all my presentation experience - I hadn't presented at all for nearly 3 years. I don't know how so much time passed - and how I will snap back. But what gets to me is that we have to keep going on, and I don't know how.

Why is life so hard, and day to day so challenging? I can't even bear to think of the grief of my family back home. I can't even be there. I'm just pretending to "function". While I was trying to work today, I just broke down and got consumed by the loss. There's just a knot in my throat, in my stomach, that's taken up residence there. And at night, the nightmares begin.

In all of this, my husband and I took a long drive and did a walk together in nature. Some respite from it all. But all I want to do is to turn back time and write this chapter of the second half of 2020 differently. Very differently. 

So where does it leave me with gratitude practice? With yoga? With running? Nowhere really. I know I have to get back to these things, but I hope they come to me. Gratitude - yes there's still a lot to be grateful for I know, when I look at my kids for example. But, I feel like this time when I think of gratitude (even though I am in reality grateful for those things I have), when I try to write them down, it feels like I'm giving myself a consolation prize, like it could be worse. Anyway, I will eventually figure it out, and get back to praying, being grateful, meditating, and exercising, because even in the face of suffering, we need those things to cope and weather the storm.

With this, I will get down to work, because what else can I do? I'll work on the slides, read up on some content, and try to do my best in these 15-20 hours I have left. And if it goes okay, great, and if not, I will learn from it and know how to improve for the next time. All I have to do now is put in the effort and focus, I'll get back to "life" in about a day's time.

Being true to ourselves

I've had the past ten days to truly be by myself. While my husband is traveling, I have been busy managing the home and going through the grief. There's a lot to keep me busy and I've also been taking care of financial and logistical organization during this time.

When we talk about being true to ourselves, of course all of us want to live by this principle. But with today's world of endless streams of information, internet access, less in-person interaction and more social media, the definition of "ourselves" becomes a bit murky. I've always been wary of social media, having notably stayed off all of it between 2012 and 2019. Because of this, I've had the feeling that I was "left behind" in a few ways, mostly in my career. 

But 2020 rolls around, and with documentaries like The Social Dilemma, many are beginning to realize just how much their lives are driven by social media. There was a shift around 2012-2013 when more social media interactions moved to smartphones and that time period marked a change in the world as we know it. It's created a different version of people, the kind that while they're doing things, are thinking about that next social media post that they're going to post about that very same thing. It's created customized news feeds that tell you exactly what you want to hear and show you the rabbit holes that you cannot stay away from. It's created pandemic deniers, conspiracy theories, human rights violations, narcissistic personality disorder, increased rates of depression and more. After this come the notifications. It's a life of endless clicking and scrolling over what is, frankly, mostly spam. While the mind is spinning from this mundane exercise, the person feels momentarily satisfied at the good number of likes or whatever, only to check in a few minutes later and see no new notifications and feel oddly dissatisfied again. And so the cycle repeats.

I've seen the behavior of my toddler after a little while with the phone. I sometimes give it to him locked in the Spotify app and he scrolls and clicks on random tracks to play (well, not so random, he seems to know what he's doing). After about ten minutes of this, when I yank the phone away from him, he's irritable for a quite a while after. I know it's not been good for him. And I give it back to him to get that momentary peace the next day, traded for an hour or more of bad behavior. This shows me that firstly, I probably am as irritable after being on my phone for a certain amount of time. And secondly, that even though logically we know that it's bad for us, we continue to do it (addictive).

Well, now it's becoming evident that being "left behind" isn't all that bad - it means that I've preserved some sense of myself during that time period when I was completely off social media (7 years) and then partially off it (1 year) - and that I have the self awareness to have realized it early on and put a stop to it. Yes, I know, many on social media have perfected the art of finding a good balance of real life and virtual life, but most of us have fallen trap to our smartphones to varying extents.

For the skeptics, if you think it doesn't apply to you allll that much - that you're just on it for friends and family or work, blah blah - why don't you try deleting it off your phone for a bit, even if you cannot make the commitment to deactivating social media like I did? Maybe start with just Facebook if you must keep the others on? This is what I did yesterday. At the very least, remove notifications on everything including email (I've always had notifications off).

So here are a few things I have to do as part of my digital and job detox (read on for ideas if this might apply to you):

- Delete 1 social media app from phone for a month (more if possible). I did this to save space initially, but kept it off just to see how it feels without it.

- Remove all notifications

- Quit job - haha, this only applies to me. I have a "choice" but it's more like a strongly recommended exit and I decided to take it and not prolong the inevitable.

- Delete chat programs for work from smartphone. Only see them when at PC. Done.

- Push all of that data on to a location that you don't have to deal with it anymore. Start with a fresh slate on a home PC.

- Get out of the house everyday. In my case, I go sit at the creek nearby and listen to the sound of the stream flowing and just stare into space while the thoughts (and sometimes tears) flow.

- Work out - this goes with the above, I walk or run. And I'll do yoga.

- Choose two tracks. One should be a professional one and the other should be any other interest than your main profession. If you're an artist by profession for example, choose a non professional interest as your second one, that could be singing or yoga or anything that will not find it's way to your professional life. Then, try to advance both of these separately. 

In my case, I'll choose to learn and prepare for interviews in computer networking. I really enjoy it, it gets me excited, so as I learn more, I'll feel more confident and empowered and fulfilled (regardless of interview outcomes).

And the non professional track will be singing and writing. I'll continue writing, and also figure out how to even get started on the music aspect. 

Then check in every week, month, and quarter about each of these tracks.

- Sleep - I'll finally give a decent shot at getting my zzz at night and you should too.

- Don't read the news until noon. And filter for important stuff rather than going down rabbit holes.

- Organize paperwork and home. So once you detox and declutter, that would invite a lot of headspace for positive thoughts.

- Learn how to let things go. I tend to give too much headspace to negative people and things. And also to take things personally which I should just brush off and move on from. Develop a thick skin and stick to my single minded goals - get a job. Don't let yourself spiral into unnecessary thoughts.

- I've always been one of those people that is "struggling" while others appear to be having fun and living the good life. Well, I realized that I have all the ingredients to live that good life and I'm going to actually do it without guilt. I have to stop watching my life from the sidelines and actually play the lead role that I'm given in my life. 

- Read more. I really wish I can get to doing this and read more books. But it'll have to wait until I can figure out the sleep thing first. Then maybe I can get around to doing more reading.

Let's see how this whole thing goes.

Integrity

Often when we are in times of crisis, our lives become a clean slate. We are down to the core of things that matter. We do not care about appearances and extraneous stuff anymore. With this, in some ways we are able to see clearer than before.

There is no doubt that the grief overshadows a lot of our thoughts and feelings. However, during this time, I've come to realize that it's important to focus on the things that matter.

The world around us keeps turning even though our lives came to a standstill. With this I can sort of step outside myself and watch in slow motion things unraveling around me.

I realized that I really need to stop doubting myself and my choices. Many of us need this reminder. Some of us of course need to be told to step back from "me me me". As for me, I fall into the former category.

There are lots of toxic elements around me that I've allowed to hold me back. I have to untangle myself from the control they have over me.

My work choice is becoming clearer. It's going to hurt as hell not to have a job and not to "belong" to an organization. But it had become so toxic and negative that I found myself at odds with it all the time. It's time for me to have a fresh start, and even if corporate culture inevitably degrades into "this", I deserve to give myself a better chance at it this time around.

There have been family members who've not been very empathetic. I guess they don't really care, or maybe they don't have the emotional intelligence to understand. But there've been other family members I could lean on. They've been the same ones who've had my back before, and the same ones who didn't - I didn't learn my lesson I guess.

There's this incredible sense of loss - loss of a loved one, loss of a person of inspiration, loss of what might have been, loss of a grandparent to my children, loss of my husband's carefree nature, loss of my job, loss of my livelihood, loss of our health insurance in a pandemic, loss of the feeling of inclusion in this country, loss of family support, loss of being a happy mom for my kids, loss of financial stability, and loss of a reliable future.

If I dig really deep, I can see the potential for some gains. I hope this loss will teach us to treasure the moments we have with our loved ones, and to make them count and be enjoyable. To not waste those moments on people that are toxic to us. To stand for what's right and make smart choices. To strive for better situations for ourselves.

When I wrote that post about the sun setting on my career that that there might be dark days ahead as I navigate this - I never imagined this level of grief and pain. It's a weight I didn't expect to bear, at least not now. But there it is - and we have to pick ourselves up and keep working. While the world tries to drag us down, we keep working on the goal and towards that next step. After all, my family and kids' futures depend on it. There's no time to lose, I must get to work.

Grief

 This past week has been a very difficult one for my family. The first part of the hardships was something I was anticipating and was already trying to put a positive outlook on with the help of my gratitude practice. So anyway, that came to fruition, the layoff part. And in the midst of a pandemic, I will be embarking on a job search.

The grief though hit us out of the blue. My father-in-law who had had a health issue over the past few months suddenly took a turn for the worse and within less than a day he was no more. This had my husband in utter grief and me as well. He was a special and unique person, and a great father in law to have - kind, welcoming, intelligent, and for me the best part was he made me feel welcome and important. I'm really going to miss him.

I'm also now manning the ship at home with just me and the kids and it's been crazy. I've spent the weekend crying with my toddler being the one to comfort me and say "please don't cry". I am feeling terrible for my husband who was always trying so much to be everything for everyone to a fault. He really didn't deserve this sorrow, he deserved tons of happiness and an easy life.

So in the midst of our grief, I decided to write because of a few reasons.

1. The 28-day gratitude practice that I followed ended mid-week last week, and shortly after our lives came crumbling down. Did I not do it correctly? Was I "tempting fate" to be thankful for these things that hadn't happened and "will them to happen" and then not have them happen? Or do I draw the conclusion that this was beyond any of our control and the only way out of it is to continue gratitude and being thankful?

2. I am glad that I reached a point that I was actually grateful for everything we had and have and was thankful for them when I had them.

3. The job search is daunting. My biggest fear is what if I start spiraling (already am) and not be able to come out this. I'm trying to regroup and keep working hard. But at the same time I would like to allow myself to feel my feelings and "sit it out". I really don't know where I'm going with all this.

4. I don't care anymore about politics, racism, social justice, pandemic, all of it. I mean, I know these are valid issues and deserve to be solved - but I feel helpless and cannot devote headspace to them. It's only caused us worry and sadness and none of it is getting better, just worse.

5. I started running and was really fit after all that swimming over the summer. Now - I can't bring myself to even down a cup of coffee and cant sleep, cant eat, nothing. It's awful going through grief and constant tears.

6. I will just hope for some peace for the family. 

7. My job was a source of stress for me, for my husband and for my kids. They've only known a stressed mom and I think they deserve better. They are still young and have had lots of love so I think they're okay, but I need to do better. While life stresses are going to come and go, this was one constant and extreme that was toxic and I'll have to see what it does to me to be free from it.

With that I'll sign off. Solo parenting and running the house is going to be hard. I'll also have to figure out all my legal paperwork and health insurance and do all of that. I hope husband is safe from exposure and has strength. My heart just hurts thinking about him and the pain he is going through. I suppose if we were to feel grateful for something, it is to have people we love like that in our lives. I really am thankful for him.

October - the last quarter of the year begins

This month has started off very strange, which is hard to achieve during an already tumultuous year.

Anyway this is the month of "voluntary" layoffs, ongoing health crises, wildfires in CA and political shake-ups.

In the spirit of positive thinking and gratitude I do want to note a few things:

1. When you get your fresh air taken away, you have a renewed appreciation for it when AQI returns to normal. We rejoiced yesterday when for the second or third time in the last month we were able to get back to "green" air quality after being forced to stay indoors for days due to the smoke from the CA wildfires. It was pure joy to see blue skies, the greenery around us and to enjoy breathing fresh air and be outdoors again.

2. I have now been dairy free for a whole year! I think I started on September 30th or around that week, and it's now been a year of it. I enjoy my dairy-free-ness immensely - the energy, the lack of bloatedness, being less prone to seasonal allergies, feeling happy for doing my share for the environment and animal welfare, and overall feeling good. I really don't know why our diets were so dairy-heavy to begin with. I do want to be mindful of the almond milk I consume as well - it takes a lot of water to grow almonds. But I've made huge strides in my environmental consciousness and I'm grateful to have the awareness and means to do so (our local Whole Foods carries a variety of dairy-free alternatives and delivers as well).

3. The job situation. After years and years of breaking my head about it, it has been so freeing to realize that I must move on from where I am. There's been a bit of comfort-zone complacency, fear of the unknown, feeling under-qualified and Stockholm syndrome keeping me where I am. It's not been all bad though - I've had some pretty great opportunities, support from surprising corners, a growing network, and gained a lot of knowledge. Also, even though I really wanted to change jobs earlier, the timing wasn't quite right to do so (both logistically and practically, not making excuses), so here I am, now embarking on this next step.

4. I started Rhonda Bryne's gratitude practice from "The Magic" based on a blog where I read about it a few years back. I've been doing some form of gratitude and imagining positive outcomes (very guardedly however), but this book makes you consciously do it for 28 days. I'm now at Day 26. It's a good practice to follow in general and I'm surprised at how appreciation for things around me now comes naturally. Today, my heart was full when I saw blue skies, beautiful flowers and greenery while on my run.

5. Fitness - This year is the first year I've sort of managed to do some sort of exercise all year long. This is significant for me because for most of 2018 I was on bedrest. I exericsed on and off in 2019. This year, I've done yoga, walks, swimming and some hikes. Now that the pool is closed for the season, I'd like to start running. I still consider myself a beginner so I'm starting with Couch to 5K again - today was week 1 day 1!

6. Kids are learning a lot. Toddler's now talking quite a bit and proving to be quite advanced in his learning. My daughter is learning her letters and writing and he can now recognize all the alphabets and count as well as her. Daughter is also doing great and learning so much. Makes us really proud, and grateful for it all.

7. We're really grateful we are able to work from home and that we've been able to do so all along. It's actually been hugely productive for me professionally and I've achieved a lot in terms of projects, milestones and learning. I hope to be able to continue this.

With that I'll end with a huge feeling of gratitude for all we have, support systems and the workings of many things in the background to enable us to have what we do.

Sunsets and new dawns

We were back at Half Moon Bay this past Friday. In the middle of a change of seasons and the Autumn Equinox with the full moon looming near, the water was a bit tumultuous. The waves came in from several different directions, and with varying intensities. It was as if the ocean was being a bit whimsical or quirky. To me it spelled "winds of change".

As we were grappling the waves, ushering our kids towards safety and stepping gingerly in the icy cold water when we could to have a bit of fun, we almost didn't notice the spectacular sun. It shone bright in a perfect circle. It created a gorgeous splash of colors in the sky. And as we watched, we could see the rapid descent of the sun over the horizon. We could see it literally go in from a full orb to half. That's when I started filming. It went from half-in-half-out to completely gone in a minute and forty seconds! A spectacular sunset indeed.

After the sun went down, it became dark fairly quickly. We packed the kids up and strapped them comfortably in their carseats. The night was quite dark by this time (I often think that winter nights are darker than summer nights). I took the wheel and began the treacherous drive up winding roads with oncoming traffic on one side and narrow precipices on the other, requiring my full concentration to cross the mountains before merging back onto our multi-lane 280 for the drive home.

All of this happened rather suddenly and unassumingly. But metaphorically it was significant for me. Because on Friday, I completed the last of my activities that I'd planned for my job. It feels like the close of the chapter at my current place of work (over a decade) and at the point that I start looking for my next career move. With much soul searching and a multitude of reasons, I've come to realize that it's time to turn the page, and it's probably best that I come to this conclusion myself rather than have it thrust upon me. So this was the sun going down on my career at my current job.

There would undoubtedly be some dark winding roads that came along with it. But it allows me to wake up to something new.

The next morning I woke up to a fresh dawn and did my last swim of the season before the Cabana club closed. 30 laps! A record for me. And with that, I take a deep breath, brace myself and take a step forward in my quest for that elusive dream job. I hope I don't fall down too hard, sincerely. And I hope that I am able to find my way again. Keeping my fingers and toes crossed that I can weather this storm and come out on the other side safe and intact, and ready to thrive.

On anxiety and beyond

I used to say that August is my least favorite month. But I don't even know anymore. I used to be indifferent towards summer, but nowadays I actually kind of prefer summer to other seasons. But I don't know about that either. When the whole year is a ball of stress, seasons and months just seem to blur together.

I have had quite a lot of anxiety over the years and especially during the year 2018 (and a few months before and after). It was triggered by a series of health and family events. I've had an added layer of career related anxiety on top of it, or maybe even at the root of it like a counselor had once theorized. I've always been prone to bouts of anxiety but this past year has been all about identifying triggers, putting coping mechanisms into place, and finding ways to keep going and finding joy even while living with anxiety.

I think that the idea that helped me the most is that the goal is not to get rid of anxiety, but rather to find a way to manage it. This thought was freeing, since for those of us with anxiety we tend to go in an infinite loop - what if getting rid of anxiety is a bad thing? What if that anxiety is actually helping something? What if getting rid of it makes us overconfident and arrogant and invites negative incidents, and so on. But having it stop us from doing the things we need to do to succeed creates more anxiety since we remain in this uneasy inertia of stagnation. The idea of managing it is that we accept that it's around (almost like a familiar known face in our lives), that it serves some purpose (maybe keeping us humble, or grounded, or whatever) AND that it doesn't cause debilitating issues - that we can still lead a fulfilled, happy, successful, productive and well-rounded life. It also makes us more vulnerable and relatable as people, and empathy and caring are what humanity is all about.

I'm quite proud of the strides that I have made in the past year. I have managed to keep my kids home and also my career going. I have been able to support my spouse through a major career change. I have been able to reenter society and socializing to an extent. I have been able to get back into the swing of things with my job. This blog and a few other interests of mine (like music, yoga, swimming) have really helped me blossom. My situation hasn't really changed but I have. The anxiety is there too, underscoring everything, and often making me pause but at least I've been able to keep on moving (thankfully).

Now to get on to the question: how to live with anxiety, but also be positive? I'd like to be someone that invites positivity into our lives, sort of like the law of attraction. It's a fine balance. I find that when anxiety rears its ugly head, it helps me to vocalize it or verbalize it. I do that by confiding to my husband or writing it down (in my journal and sometimes in this blog). I acknowledge it and put it out in the open. And then I try to find something positive to think about and vocalize that as well. It helps me a great deal and I can do more of this (the positive ones) all the while never dismissing the anxiety when it comes, and overall I find myself in a better state of mind.

So at the moment, what am I anxious about?

- My job and stagnation in my career. 

- How sometimes whatever I do at work seems to be a lost cause (not recognized)

- My husband's feeling down

- My kids and their health and behavior

- All of our health - general and Covid

- Our families' health

- Finances

- How other people get to me and live in my head and I'm not able to give them less headspace

- My struggle to express myself often when I have a dissenting opinion - related to self worth perhaps?

- Oh there's a lot more, but let's leave it with these top few

What are the things that excite me?

- Our trip to Half Moon Bay on Friday at dusk - seeing the ocean again, that gorgeous sunlight on the grey water, cloudy skies, slightly chill and foggy weather. My favorite beach weather. It crosses over into a transcendental realm for me. I am lost in this world, partly meditating and partly with music playing in my head. The air and mist around me puts me into a momentary state of bliss. I sometimes sense a wave of transformation and changed perspectives. Yes, this place is and has always been special to me. I didn't realize how much I had missed it when I was back there for the first time this year. Spontaneous trips sometimes turn out well.

- My success with blogging, network automation, finding my clan in the networking world that is outside the bubble of my team, and being seen. It's been great.

- Finding joy in my work. It's been so rewarding and exciting that I am hungry for more. 

- My husband's support. When I told him that this space I'm working in is very crowded and there are hundreds of people who've been working in it for way longer than me, he replied: Yes, but if you start looking for quality work, you'll find there are very few. 

That was reassuring, and also fired me up to focus on quality and not compromise on that when I am working on something new. It's not easy to stand out, we have to put in the work. But if we have the ability to come up with quality work, then that itself is something to feel fortunate about. Being able to have that laser focus again is really exciting.

- Kids are doing well and I am proud of them. I would actually like to be more like them, and it makes me realize that that is a good reflection of ourselves. It is a good reminder to be kinder to ourselves and give ourselves more credit. To watch them thrive, have hugs throughout the day and be free from mom-guilt since we're together at home with no plans to check off is quite satisfying.

- I've been doing great health wise. Yes there is that nagging sore throat, arm pain and other issue that worries me, but overall, I am fit, have lost all the baby weight and more, and am feeling strong. I did 24 laps of swimming for my son's 2nd birthday, one lap for every month. I've been eating healthy, and have been doing some form of exercise all of 2020: with yoga, walks, hikes, swimming. I'm also constantly on my feet running behind an active toddler and lifting him at times.

- All of the above helps with my mental wellbeing to a great extent, and I am proud to have come this far. 

- The fact that I was able to keep my son home for his first two years of his life and be around myself. The time between 6 mo and 18 mo had me shuttling between the office and home but I spent a good part of my day at home with him, and breastfed him the whole time (still do). Not that that is necessary but it felt good to do it for me nonetheless, with the idea of added immunity to him and me, not to mention all the time and money saved on formula and bottles, and my not being much of a fan of dairy based milk. I've invested a lot into breastfeeding and have gotten tremendous returns.

- Yes, I've also been dairy free for almost a year! 2 more months to go. I started off for health reasons and environmental/animal welfare reasons (treading lightly on both counts) and for as long as I can go, I'll stay with plant based alternatives. They make me feel much better overall and I don't miss dairy in the least. I also don't fuss too much about it, like I'll eat the occasional item with butter in it (maybe a couple of times a month), and don't ask others to cater to my dairy-free-ness outside of my own home. At some point, I'd like to remove chicken from my diet but I'm not ready for that yet. 

- Some of the silver linings in the pandemic-driven work environment. I get to attend virtual conferences from home, without having to decide if leaving kids to travel is worth it. I get to fall back on technical content that I create from home, without worrying about physically being at an event to network. All that socializing being virtual and the lack of having to be in the office is a boon for me. No more dealing with traffic, distractions, keeping up appearances, being "seen" at work, etc.

- I've enjoyed all the great music I've discovered in these past few months (shoegaze, dream pop). It's the soundtrack playing in my mind as I work and make new strides, or when I feel a bit discouraged and contemplative and it helps to keep my thoughts flowing and keep me moving.

- My swims. I love that 3 minute early morning walk to the pool. It's my time and makes me feel pumped up. The delicious feeling of the water as I swim. All the ideas that come to me as I enjoy the views around me between laps. The feeling of having worked out and feeling sharp and fit. That sense of accomplishment as I complete my goal # of laps. Having 45 minutes all to myself and for myself. Showering and being ready for the day by 8:30. Allergies being under control. Being able to focus during the day.

Well, what do you know? I ended up writing paragraphs and paragraphs about the positives, and I'd like to get back to work on that note. Let's get this next blog (the technical one) done.

Souvlaki Space Station (Slowdive)

Closed doors brings open minds 

(And I don't want to see you) 

See you smile inside 

(And I don't want to know you)

Just a single post for July

It's been over a month since I've written here, but I haven't stopped blogging.

My big news is that I published my first technical blog on my company website. It's been a huge effort for me, and has been enjoyable, exciting, anxiety-inducing at times, and a learning experience, but it went off very well. I received a ton of visibility with over 2500 views from people in different companies. It's been great to be appreciated by people I don't even know.

Now to get to the revelations

1. I've still got it. I have to brush up on a lot of technical skills, but I can do it, and be good and even better than the average out there.

2. I got a comment that my article was VERY well written and technically great, and it is rare to have a strong combination of the two. The good news that the experts in this technology only have a few years' head start than me. My overall technical background in my field is already strong. So I think that if I stick to this for a couple of years, I can become an expert in this particular area. 

3. I felt excited and enthusiastic about work again and couldn't wait to get started each day. I have a plan for the next few months and a ton of stuff I can get done (if given the chance).

4. Many of the people I work with are truly creating a toxic work culture. I have to drown out the noise, and keep my focus. There is a lot of pettiness, drama and exclusive clubs that hold the reins and suppress all the others. My blog helped me to shine outside of this umbrella and they couldn't stop me (which they had succeeded in doing all these years, sadly).

5. I really don't want to engage in conflict with them or really give it too much headspace (I still struggle with this) because of all the negative karma that my anxiety convinces me that will bring. So I've been nothing but polite and deferential through this process to all of these people. But I think it is grinding their gears even more.

6. The racism and discrimination around me continues to bother me but I have to keep my focus and really shine, and then there will no choice but to appreciate me (by someone, anyone).

7. There's a lot of interesting stuff out there, and good people too. I've just been in this sad little bubble for so long, I lost sight of that.

8. I felt as if I was on mute all this while and am finding my voice again. Reading about racism and privilege these past few months has actually helped me feel validated and helped me refocus my efforts into my work, with a fire lit under me not just to shine but to dazzle.

9. I did my bit with the social media stuff - Twitter this time, and LinkedIn. It's ok, I can actually keep up with it and not get consumed by it. It's the sweet spot where you're not a nobody on social media and have a decent presence, but you're not someone with thousands of followers either, because that shows that you give it way too much importance and are on it a lot. So I suppose I'm cool like that ;)

10. The part that I struggle with is to dwell on things and people's opinions. To over-think and let it fester in my mind. I  have to overcome a lifetime of being undermined, and anxiety about consequences both direct and indirect from speaking up. Part of me finding my voice is learning the skills to say my piece after giving it sufficient thought, and then turning the page rather than obsessing about it. Also to learn to accept dissenting voices and not to let it get to me. To master that skill of indifference when treated poorly by someone and moving on to people who matter. I'll take tips on this if anyone has suggestions.

On the home front, my baby turned two and that was our big milestone. His birthday was perfect with new clothes, toys, a splash pad and a cake that my daughter and I baked and my husband and I frosted. Yummy chocolate cake with Swiss meringue buttercream. It was moist, not too sweet and delectable! All of us enjoyed it. We had mini toasts to go along with it, with red pepper spread and black olive spread.

I'm so excited about all this learning and the progress I'm making, the collaborations I am fostering at work and for the path ahead. I hope I can keep my focus and they let me do my thing, even if they don't help me. Just let me do it please. Please and thank you. 

That's July. We've still not been to see family or to the beach, we're staying home and kids are enjoying themselves.

I almost forgot - all of this focus and control has only been made possible because I started swimming again. I go thrice a week at 7 am to an outdoor pool in my neighborhood (3 min walk) with a reservation system for a lane so there are a max of 5 people on the property at a given time. It's been so great. I hope it stays safe and I can continue it. With that, I'll leave you with Breather from Chapterhouse and go back to my project! Fingers crossed.

Breather - Chapterhouse

Please me, make me happy
Breather, sleeper
Make me happy
Misty, crystal
Blister, eternal
Soft and liquid in the light
Secret otherworldly sight
Passing time in black and white
If only i could dream tonight
On my own
Teenage lessons set me right
Taught me how to dream tonight
Love me warm in cold daylight
Soft as skin and safe inside
Smother silky sin so fine
Make believe that you are mine
On my own
Tears and sorrow set me right
Taught me how to dream tonight