Diary of a Dairy-free Dame

Pic of the creek on our Saturday morning walk

Day 1 Dairy free and Goals

Today is September 30^th (at the time this post was written) and is a date I have chosen to go dairy free. Goals are to remain dairy-free for the following durations:

1.     Today

2.     3 days (until Oct 2^nd)

3.     1 week

4.     2 weeks

5.     3 weeks

6.     1 month

7.     1.5 months

8.     2 months

9.     3 months

10.  Re-evaluate

This is my ten-step program and I am excited to try it out. It also signals a fresh start. Today is a half yearly point for me, and is also the beginning of Navratri (technically the second day), which is a nine-day period to signal the triumph of good over evil ending with Vijayadashami or Dussera on the tenth day of the festival.

From Wikipedia, this is the significance of the second day is as follows:

“Day 2: Brahmacharini

On Dwitiya, Goddess Brahmacharini, another incarnation of Parvati is worshiped. In this form, Parvati became Sati, her unmarried self. Brahmacharini is worshiped for emancipation or moksha and endowment of peace and prosperity. Depicted as walking bare feet and holding a japamala and kamandal in her hands, she symbolizes bliss and calm. Blue is the color code of this day. Blue colour depicts tranquility yet strong energy.”

So far, the day is quite ok in the sense that I don’t feel too tired or any pangs craving milk or milk-based products. I wonder when I will start seeing the benefits of cutting out dairy. I am going to give myself some grace this week on this new routine.

Day 2

Today is day two of me being dairy free. Yesterday without realizing it, I ended up eating a few pieces of my beloved paneer dish (cottage cheese). So unfortunately, I wasn’t dairy-free. My husband reminded me that it was still a huge change from how much dairy I was eating previously and is therefore very significant. I cooked palak paneer (cottage cheese in a spinach sauce) for dinner and picked out the paneer pieces and replaced them with aloo fry (sautéed potatoes with chili powder and turmeric, yum!). I enjoyed my dinner quite a bit. I am still counting yesterday as a dairy-free day and today as The Day I am Completely Dairy Free. Let’s see how it goes. I have no cravings so far, and am actually seeing some clear spaces in the fog that my mind is in – yay. My coffee (Illy espresso) with oats milk or almond milk still tastes yuck, but I suppose I will grow used to the taste presently.

Day 3

Today is Day 3! Once I get through today, I will have made it to goal #2 above! Yesterday, I thought I had a slip up when I ate Panda Express’ orange chicken. It’s listed in the ‘could contain dairy’ category and I was crushed when I learnt about it, because it could so easily have been avoided. However when I started to look into it more logically, I realized that the disclaimer was only to mention that it was possible it had traces of dairy in it, which matters to those that are severely allergic or sensitive to dairy. It does not actually have dairy as one of the ingredients. So whew, I continued to be dairy free yesterday. Today marks day 3 and I actually feel fine. No cravings so far, and I even put away the Belgian chocolate (Côte-d'Or)  that my husband brought home last evening from a European friend, shaking my head “No”. I am quite proud of myself. Last night was a night with very poor sleep, the baby woke up at 3:30 am after soaking through his sleep sack and I didn’t get a chance to sleep after that. However I am still awake, functioning (using the term loosely but that’s ok), and at work today. I have yet to decide about ghee and what to do about it. It is clarified butter, but is still dairy. It still involves bothering a cow and ethically does not help any if I eat it. It also wouldn’t count as a complete cleanse if I eat ghee since trace amounts of dairy will make it in to my diet. However, it is clarified butter and this means that not only is it lactose-free since all the liquid part is removed, but the clarification process also removes casein which is the problematic protein in milk. Also, there are several items in my freezer (rotis and frozen meals) that contain ghee and/or yogurt so I’ll have to decide whether to toss them or not. My plan is to cut out ghee as well from my diet and doing a complete cleanse in order to correctly evaluate my body’s response to dairy. After I am able to do this, in December perhaps, I can re-evaluate my health and see if it makes sense for me to reintroduce it into my diet both to add a layer of flexibility and to take advantage of all the other nutrients that ghee has to offer.

Day 4

Hello, day 4! I know that this is probably overkill and I am updating too often, but I really want to track this well. I don’t want to sensationalize or catastrophize and deduce that I am feeling amazing or like crap already because it may really be too soon to tell. There are so many other factors that go into it. I don’t want to be overly invested in the results to the point that I convince myself that I see a huge improvement and it was the dairy that was the cause of all my problems! I will just leave it at this: I don’t feel a huge change in either the positive or negative direction so far. I don’t have huge cravings which is great. I am tracking my weight and there’s no change there. My goal is to not gain or lose weight but to get to a better level of physical fitness and energy (and boy do I need it, with two high-energy littles ones to look after and a career and myself to nurture). I won’t lie, I am also secretly hoping (there, I said it) to see improvements in my skin, migraines and tinnitus. It’d be nice if the ulnar nerve pain and sciatica that sometimes flare up were taken care of as well. I know that realistically I should not invest too much into this to avoid being disappointed. But I am curious and it helps me remain motivated in staying dairy-free. I do feel a tiny bit more energetic. I also know that while I may have cut out dairy, my diet is not really healthy yet – I still tend to eat fried stuff like chips and some of my substitutions involve tossing veggies in oil so to serve as a snack or a quick side. I also haven’t exercised much this week compared to the impressive record of running, hiking and swimming last week. Oh well, not to worry, and that concludes my update for today.

Day 5

Made it through the work week! This week was significant in three ways. I had a meeting with a colleague and a career coach, and figured out what I want to do job wise. Secondly, dairy free. I like that I can have the willpower to do this. And thirdly, we booked a getaway next week which will be our first road trip as a family of four!

We had catered lunch at work and it was nicely marked with food allergy labels including two dishes that were dairy free and vegetarian. It was weird to eat them without being able to enjoy the bread but I didn’t miss out on much. We went out for dinner and I ate a chicken fajita sandwich with fries. I can’t wait to reach the one-week milestone.

Day 6 and Day 7

This was the weekend. I think I stayed dairy free quite easily. We had been invited to Navratri lunches both on Saturday and Sunday. For Saturday I was able to pick out paneer and avoid ghee on my rotis and abstain from any sweets (since they would contain milk or ghee). Sunday’s lunch was catered and I did not feel like asking the hosts about my diet. So I chose items which are normally prepared sans ghee (for example, I avoided the bisi-bele-bhath which is normally made with ghee, but ate the vegetable kurma) and hoped for the best. I avoided sweets again and I think this is a good added benefit to my new diet – I have ended up avoiding sweets and desserts and now feel the temptation less and less. With that, goals 1, 2 and 3 achieved!

Ch-ch-ch-ch Changes

Deer walking alongside us on our morning walk

It’s been a while since I wrote a blogpost, and part of the reason is that I am avoiding facing the fact that it is Fall. I’ve just been trying to extend summer in my mind, and the reason is not that I associate summer with vacation or hot days or anything like that. I have just had a rough go with autumn and winter for the past three years, from a health point of view for myself and my family. So this time around, I am attempting to change a few things…

1.     Worries about family’s health – there is not much I can do about it, but I will try to keep the anxiety at bay or at least remain functional through it, by practicing self-care and with counseling

2.     Keep my daughter at home for the fall and winter. That way, we can protect her from the ongoing ear infections to an extent, and not have to go on allergy medication or antibiotics or explore ear tube surgery to handle it. This may also keep us from falling ill often.

3.     Keep working on my job and career to get where I want to be. Based on the realization that my work anxiety underscores a lot of my health anxiety, dealing with it should help with my overall outlook

4.     Start Vitamin C supplements

5.     Go dairy free – starting as a test between October and December and then re-evaluate

6.     Exercise in some fashion – maybe walks and runs for a start, with occasional swimming if I can find a place to swim

7.     Keep working on baby’s sleep and trying to get more shut eye at night

8.     Yoga more often, and to begin with, buy a rug/mat

9.     Try to work from home when possible

10.  Do things to keep my spirits up – tbd

11.  Music – both listening and singing which help with the mind and body

It’s been a new beginning of sorts, these past couple of days…more like an ending if I look at things that way, but doesn’t an end signal a new beginning or some such wisdom like that? I realized that it is time for me to stop isolating myself and get back on the F social media bandwagon, in order to further my job prospects and connect with a local moms group. So that has been… awkward and unsettling. Then, I heard back from a job that I was pursuing, and I didn’t get it. So I suppose I feel a bit of rejection from that. And thirdly, while out on my “run” (I use the word loosely, since it was 25 minutes of mostly walking with a 7-minute break for meditation on a park bench thrown in), I dropped my phone on concrete and the screen shattered.

However, all of it is actually ok. The social media thing, my plan is to use it as I need it and not get caught up in it. The job – my goal was not just to get that job but to get to one that is right for me. I was already unsure if this particular opportunity fit the bill for me and about the timing of it, so it is actually fine that it worked out this way as long I continue to make progress on the job front. And the screen shattering was cathartic of sorts. I have been carrying around this phone from my pre-wedding and kids days, wondering if I should upgrade it or not. I ordered a new phone and am trying to think that it’s a new chapter that I am beginning to write.

I am surprised that I was able to dust myself off and start all of these things as quickly as I did. I usually spend a lot of time agonizing about decisions. I was able to quickly decide and get back on  Facebook (after seven years!), do a short assessment of the job situation and move past it with my next steps, and order a new phone in a matter of minutes without spending hours and days pondering over the choices. My husband helped, but isn't that how a relationship is supposed to be with each of us being a sounding board for the other? I am secretly glad that the endings in this case were decided for me, and the choice left to me was only to turn the page to a new one and not remain wallowing. As always, I am utterly intimidated, but the important thing is that I continue to try and do things along the way. And if I say so myself, I should be rather proud of that fact.

Changes - David Bowie

Still don't know what I was waitin' for
And my time was runnin' wild
A million dead end streets and
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
How the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-ch-changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-ch-changes
There's gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

Labor Day weekend

The Hagiwara Japanese Tea Garden in Golden Gate Park

This past weekend was a long weekend due to Labor Day. On Friday, we were able to get back together as a family after my husband returned from a business trip. We went for a swim in the evening, and all four of us got into the water. Our baby enjoyed splashing around and was thrilled to be in his father's arms. I was relieved to be able to release the pent-up energy from the week and swam a total of 30 laps! That was quite a record for me, and I am glad that I could achieve it at least once this summer.

On Saturday, we decided to catch up on all of our housework and went to the pool again in the evening. On Sunday, we spent the day at San Francisco. We had lunch at Dosa on Fillmore and enjoyed the brunch menu that they had to offer. Feeling full and with our taste buds satisfied, we walked a bit in the adjoining Japantown Center mall and took in all the sights and sounds in the mini-Japan there. We then drove up to Golden Gate park and visited the Japanese Tea Garden.

The Japanese Tea Garden is the oldest public Japanese garden in the US and has been a part of Golden Gate park since 1894. It was built by a Japanese immigrant and gardener called Makoto Hagiwara and is also called the Hagiwara garden, with the street being named after him. The garden has Buddhist and Shinto influences and contains about 3 acres of trees, rocks, ponds, pagodas, gates and a teahouse. It is designed to have a calming effect and slow people down, and that is exactly what we did when we were there.

When we visited on Sunday, the garden was quite crowded and that took away from the experience a little bit. But the environment soon took over and we enjoyed being around all the greenery it had to offer. The sound of flowing water, the bamboo trees, the beauty of the garden and the energy around it were very pleasant all around. My sister and I remembered our grandfather when we saw the lotus flowers in the pond. And of course, there were the Japanese lanterns around the zen garden as well. I feel like there are a few recurring themes in my posts and in my experiences. Some of it is pure coincidence (since this place was suggested by my sister) and some of it is because there are certain things we gravitate towards, being what we enjoy. We walked around the garden and then sat down together at the tea house and sipped on some tea and chatted for a while. I enjoyed this experience a lot, along with the few calm moments when I stepped away to feed my baby near a small fountain of water (pictured below).

Calming corner of the garden

After the Japanese tea garden, we drove home and were fortunate to have both the kids fall asleep in the car after a long day out. We were able to enjoy the drive and chat a bit on the way back home, stopping at the Indian store on the way to prepare for the next day.

Monday was Labor day and was also Ganesh Chaturthi. We had bought a small Ganesha for the puja and I washed and arranged all of my puja items together. My daughter and I picked a few flowers from our garden for the puja and then lit lamps while singing Ganesha songs. She was very excited to dress up for the puja. We then cooked lunch and decided to relax a bit in the afternoon. In the evening, we went on a bike ride on a nearby trail and stopped at  a park for the kids to play. Both of the kids went in the “Bee”, the bike trailer attached to my husband’s bike. I was getting back on my bicycle after over four years – the last time I had ridden it was pre-kids! But I was able to manage the short ride, and it was a great experience to go out together.

As we get back to a short work week today, I am reminded that we are now in September and that it is technically Fall. However, I would like to consider summer to go on until about the 20^th of this month, and then start Fall in my mind. While Fall used to be my favorite time of year, it now triggers my anxiety. I absolutely dislike winter the most, however. I will have to find a way to make it through the next few months, still preserving humility as a foundation, cautiously stepping forward while striving to be better, and continuing to look for ways to bring a positive energy home to the family.