The end of the decade

"The end of an era... ". If you’ve watched Friends, as a lot of us growing up in India in the 90s did, you are probably taken back to the episode where the term “the end of an era” was used when one of the roommates moved out so the other’s boyfriend could move in.

We are now in December 2019 and I realized that we are close to the end of this decade. Recently, my daughter had a tantrum, and when we were getting ready for bed, I asked her if she was done being upset for the day, and she replied that she was. I went on to ask if she was done for the week, the month, the year and the decade and she was quite amused when answering in the affirmative. I then realized that this signals the end of the decade of the two-thousand-tens/teens?

I don’t want to go back and reflect upon everything in this decade, but the significant ones were meeting my husband, getting married and having our two children, buying a house, making career advances and traveling the world. These are all those achievements we make on paper though, and many of our peers have been through the same ones. This is not to diminish them, but this is not really what I want to write about. There were also significant lows that went along with these highs. There are a few friends who feel that they have “nothing to show for” who probably didn’t meet some of their family goals. And that is painful and gut-wrenching feeling. For many of us who did do the above, we also went through painful and gut-wrenching times and may still be living some form of them.

What I would like to remember are some of the changes that might happen to everyone. For me, my taste in music definitely evolved. Growing up, I was mainly exposed to sixties music, eighties mainstream pop and classic rock. There was a bit of metal thrown in, and some techno to really grate your nerves. This was oh-so-boring and unimaginative. The vast majority of my friends listened to Bollywood music which I do not like. This past decade is when I started exploring my own tastes more, and realized that I like new wave, shoegaze, and a bit of post punk and dark wave. This decade was also when I ran my first half marathon (at the very beginning) and two kids and a year of bed rest later, I am now back to my activity level and weight that I was at, at the start of the decade. I am quite proud of this fact. My eating habits have also evolved – I eat a very unique diet that is a blend of Indian and European and American food, with some global influences (Asian and Mediterranean, and Mexican for example), but with a healthy twist. I have my migraines largely under control (they are not debilitating anymore) and a new problem of tinnitus which I also have reached a point of managing through flareups. I have been to French classes and improved on my language skills. I have also done a ton of traveling and travel planning and am definitely enriched from these experiences.

A significant step for me was that in the eyes of my family, I emerged as an independent person with my own identity. I also realized what type of a parent I am, and it is quite different from what I had envisioned. For instance, I had always pictured having a daughter but I am not that mom that goes looking for the cutest outfits and dresses her daughter up with matching bows. I do like to dress her for her birthday but most of the time, it's what is practical for all of us. Secondly, I did extended breastfeeding with my kids (delayed the introduction of dairy as much as possible) and have gone through great efforts to make this possible. I didn't realize how strongly I would feel about continuing to breastfeed once it was working for me, and not to stop just because my baby reached a milestone (not judging others that don't breastfeed, but at the same time taking the liberty to be proud of what I was able to do). I am always concerned about them eating healthy food and being strong. I am also trying to inspire confidence in them and am a good listener (trying to be better), rather than talk over them and force them to be in line. I think the term for it is attachment parenting. We cosleep as well, and haven't done any form of sleep training. We give them plenty of outdoor time and free play time, with no scheduled activities yet. We don't have hectic social lives and spend lots of time in active parenting and engaging with our kids. I thought I would be one of those parents that teaches their children how to behave and lays down the law. But I learnt that it is a two-way street and I learn more from them than I teach them. I follow 'how to talk to kids' books to try and do more of re-phrasing instructions in positive ways, than to punish. It is work in progress, but I am just trying to explain my parenting philosophies. So I don't quite view parenting as a "sacrifice". It is difficult but it is a choice we made, and we are so much more enriched from it.

My current stage in life is one in which I have a lot to be grateful for. However, for some reason, every day starts and ends with a feeling of resentment and disappointment. This is due to my career and being “left behind” (yes, I know we are all in charge of our own destiny, but that is a discussion for another time). I have to unravel this and process it and find my way out of it to greater job satisfaction and I don’t think I will be able to rest easy until then. There are the underlying health anxieties that also surface at the wrong times (it's never the right time though).

With that, I’ll conclude this post. I have a birthday party to plan and Christmas to think about and I am actually just waiting for our regular routine to resume. Since I mentioned the word December in the beginning of this post, the song “A long December” has been playing in my head. I don’t particularly like or dislike it but I don’t want to think about the next year as being better or anything. I am sort of living by the day and in the present. “And it’s one more day up in the canyons…” – The Counting Crows